Learning To Live

 These are the beautiful words Kyra wrote about one of my recent posts.  After her comment, I will write a little about what she said.   Kyra S. has left a new comment on your post " Mental Me ": Someone once said "Just stop feeling that way!" Yeah. Right. I'll get right on that. I know it is hard because of your anxiety to just let it be unresolved (this is from a card carrying member of the anxiety club) but realize that you can. And every time your brain comes back to that "Oh no, I can't take it place" just reply calmly "Yes I can, cause I've nearly died and if I can survive that I can survive this." And just pretend you believe it. Your friend may never be willing or able to understand mental illness. Its hard for people sometimes when on the surface someone seems so healthy. Realize that your brain is fundamentally different than someone without PTSD. (And if anyone contradicts you, send them to the head...

So I thought I told everyone this was done. I did that, right? The whole bashing me and Toni commenting thing was over. Right? I swear I may have mentioned that once, twice or a million times. Anyways, she IMed me this today (I am aware some of you advised me to block her, but I always feel really bad about blocking people - some of you may remember the "Blocking Alex" attempt of 2005. I felt so guilty about blocking him on facebook that I un-blocked him and re-friended him. He never even noticed that I had blocked him in the first place. Right. I could have many things to say about the whole Alex thing, but I'll move on and go back to talking about Toni, hopefully for the VERY. LAST. TIME. ...and I'm so fucking serious about that.). I'm also including what I wrote... Maybe I was a little harsh, but I don't think this girl understands how little I even care about what she says. It no longer has meaning to me because she has made a complete fool of he...

It's amazing how one person can make you doubt yourself. One person you have never met, one person who really knows nothing about you can decide to judge what you write about yourself on the internet and make you doubt yourself. I've decided that Toni is done commenting here. From now on all her comments will be deleted. I have decided not to moderate comments and I no longer want anything to do with her, so I will delete comments as I find them (they are all emailed to me). SO, if you see anything she has written feel free to comment or ignore it, whatever. I will ignore it and then delete it. The debate whether my mental issues are real or not is OVER. Way more than over. No one else is going to be allowed to doubt me either. I will shut you down so fast you won't know what happened. Thanks, Carla

I don't know what to do with my blog. I've been thinking about the complaints I've gotten for the depressing nature of my blog... and yeah, I re-read the whole thing, and I was obviously depressed the entire time I was writing, until it got better. I can tell the week where my meds started to work - I changed and people continued to give me shit. The one person in particular who was giving me shit is younger than me. She has CF and is going to school and lives with her parents. I don't know her except through a few online conversations and postings in a group's discussion board. I don't know where she thought it would be a good idea to anonymously bash me and everything I said for more than a month, but that's her business. There are so many things I could say - I could defend my PTSD and my depression because they are real and exist. She "doesn't believe in most psych-illnesses" (yeah, she texted that to ME, the daughter of a PSYCHIATRIST...

I figured it out, and well that sucked. So I lost a "friend" I met online. We've never met in person and we've never talked on the phone. That's right. She drunk dialed me once, but other than that we don't know each other. I'll write more about this later. Include some of the direct things she said to me in a Facebook message. I'll be commenting on how she doesn't believe depression exists and that what I've been through isn't bad enough to cause PTSD. Because she's an expert. And I'm considering blocking all anonymous comments. You will have to leave a name of some sort in order to comment. On 2nd thought... I won't write more about this later.

Someday I'll give up... but now that I think I know who "Anonymous Carla Basher" is, I have a couple more things to say. 1) Thanks to those who defend me :-) It makes my inbox interesting to go through, and uplifting. 2) To Basher, who posted this and other things: "And if you truly knew who I was, you would realize that even friends see how pitiful you are, and not only enemies. I know ENOUGH about you to back my judgments, so I don't feel bad saying them to you because you honestly do need to grow up and start dealing with your emotions better than you do. -A former friend a.k.a. Justified Anonymous Carla Basher." I only have so many friends with CF - most of whom I've met online and have never met in person. Most of whom I don't know. Most of whom don't know me, don't interact with me on a regular basis, and never really know me. There are a couple girls who I've talked to more, and a couple guys. Since three of the four people I...

Some people may not understand why I let the Anonymous Carla Basher keep bashing. Why? Because it's really fun for me. This time, he/she/it quoted.... wait for it.... no keep waiting, this is good.... he/she/it quoted HANNAH MONTANA. Right. See you laughed along with me. How old is this kid??? "In the words of Hannah Montana: "Life's what you make it." Lets see how many more conditions you can list... The pity factor is rising and rising. Maybe you should just tell us about dancing and singing and happiness instead of complaints and sadness. You are the one making your life seem so bad. If you would just stop looking at all the negativity and focusing on all of the bad, then it would not be so irritating. " If I irritate you, stop reading. How many times have I said that??? Quite a few. But now, this amuses me. The online fights with people who don't know me and just judge me by what I write really amuse me. I'm pretty sure this blog isn...

To the CFer who keeps commenting here and stating his/her opinion on how I don't know how to live my life... stop reading my blog. This was a fun comment: "I never get post-hospital depression. Usually when I am out of the hospital, I'm a bit overjoyed to be honest. My hospital IS structured. Don't act like your hospital and life are so different from mine. Essentially we are the same people except I know how to deal with life and you don't. " Yes, I am overjoyed too... and then I'm overwhelmed for a couple days. Fuck you. We are NOT the same people. If you also suffer clinical depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, restless legs syndrome, fibromyalgia, and diabetes then you can tell me we are the same. Also, I don't go around telling people how horrible they are at living their lives. And this blog is a glimpse into my life. A glimpse on how I deal with my CF and various other bullshit that I deal with. Usually I don't tell you ...

I need to acknowledge this comment: "Well, I haven't been in the hospital for the last, (what was it, 12?) days. So, I can't claim post-hospital depression. But I do have a little Post Great Strides blah's going on. We raised a ton, had mediocre weather, and had a lot of people show up to support us. So why have I been on the verge of tears, if not in tears since we got home? I guess it's because of all those people, not the cf'ers or the cf families, but all the people who came to show their support and write thier checks. All those people got to go home feeling really good. They helped out a GREAT cause. They had a nice day at the zoo. They get to go to work tomorrow and talk about how nice it was. And they're done. They don't have to think about cf again until next year. We're sentenced to life with it. Nice attitude, huh? Pardon my momentary self pity. It's nothing a good night's sleep won't cure. I just wanted to let you know that I...

I enjoy the comments where the writer has the intention of tearing me apart - and that might be one of the only statement I have made without any hint of sarcasm on my blog. I'm a big fan of sarcasm. We're tight - just like me and Karma. Honestly, I'll point it out again - the criticism makes me giggle because, wait, who's blog is this? Oh, is it mine? Right. It is. And since it is mine, do I have the right to say whatever I want? You mean I can do that? And these people can't stop me? Even if they write mean comments over and over I can keep writing this the way I want to? Oh yeah... I forgot that part. This is my little space and you don't have to read what you don't like. So today I checked my email and got this gem from Katherine: " I feel the need to say! I wake up early every single day of the week,sick or not and go to wrk, then i come home and walk 2 to 7 miles a day. then shower then eat all through out the day trying to get in 5 treat...

Chris S. is right. THIS IS MY BLOG AND I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT! BOOGER!!! BIG GREEN HARDENED BOOGERS!!! POOPY DIAPERS!!! GEOREGE BUSH IS A DUMBASS WHO ACTUALLY SAID TO THE POPE, "AWESOME SPEECH YOUR HOLINESS!" VOTE HILLARY!!! See... I can say WHATEVER I WANT. Don't read it if you don't like it. I, much like Fox News am completely biased and tell things the way I want the world to see them. It's called spin. I spin things my way, and that's how it's done. Boy sent me an email. I laughed. It said, among other things, "noticed you left practice early today. are you doing okay?" NO I AM NOT OKAY, DAMNIT!!! I am agreeing with my the comments I've received - that friends wouldn't have done this to me. This is my spin, damnit. And I'm going to say whatever I want and it's going to feel AMAZING... I am not going to try to be friends with Boy. It's my life and hopefully he will stay the fuck away until I say otherwise. Lik...