Learning To Live

I have had a few awesome conversations recently.  Have fun! The mind of a five-year-old: Maddy: Do you still have your tattoo? Me: Yep! Maddy (exasperated): Ah, when is it going to wash off!?! Me: Never, it's a special forever tattoo, remember? Maddy: FOREVER? Like, even when you're 69? Me: Yes Maddy, it'll still be there when I'm 69. This made me think, "Ew.  My tattoo will be all wrinkly and weird when I'm 69.  But I will still want it there."  And I figure that's the point - if you still want the tattoo when you are wrinkly and it is wrinkly and unrecognizable, then the tattoo was worth it.  I'm thinking of a second tattoo - and I can't decide.  What I really want is big and complicated.  A simple version is just the word "Breathe."  I'd really like to have a vine intertwined in the letters and a rose at the top, and on each leaf and/or petals have the first initial of each of my angels - CF and otherwise, possibly ...

Last Saturday was an amazing day! Chris, Kyra and Luca   met my parents and me at an apple farm near my house.  My goal for this year was to be with Luca when he got his first pumpkin - and he picked one out!  And after we were all exhausted from picking apples and pumpkins, we went for dinner.  One of my favorite things was watching Luca interact with my parents.  He calls my dad "Gampa Buce" because 'r's are hard.  And of course, my favorite was saying goodbye and hearing him say, "I Love You." I had so much fun watching him pick apples and eat apples and pick out a pumpkin - it's hard for me to put into words.  So here are some photos! Luca's first bite of an apple he picked :-)  My Cutie in the wagon  Kyra and Luca headed towards the pumpkin patch  Luca pets a goat  BIG PUMPKIN :-)  Luca finds the perfect pumpkin!!! His FIRST pumpkin :-)  Luca inquires about a troll in the store.  I Love You, Bea...

"You Are My Sunshine" is the state song of Louisiana. I think I was really supposed to be born there. I absolutely love it (except for the fact that there is all that DAMN humidity. I think I'd go north - or way west to Hawai'i for the summer). And my dad lived there until after the 9th grade. "You Are My Sunshine" is a song my mother couldn't listen to when I was a child because of the connotations and the fact that I have cystic fibrosis. Today I am in a very dark place. I've been in this dark place for awhile now, and I'm doing my best to fight my way out. But there are days I want to give up fighting and trying to live my life and I just want to go to sleep until it's all over. It won't be over until I fight my way through, but try using logic with CRAZY. It doesn't work. Last week I had to check myself in somewhere where I could get more help. I thought about a psych ward, but that's expensive and I wanted to...

First, a very Happy 24th Birthday (today) to my best friend since Kindergarten, Sarah Lynn. I love you! One year ago tonight I was helping another best friend push. And push and push and push. She pushed herself to the very limit, and I'll never know how she found the strength to do it. I don't think I could have. While I didn't actually witness the moment of birth of my (honorary) nephew, Luca, just being there for the whole experience was something I will always treasure. I know that my body isn't strong enough to carry a child (not to mention that my mind isn't healthy enough to be without my happy pills), so being around the strength, pain, and most importantly the love of the process of childbirth was a true gift. I wandered the halls of the hospital that night, waiting for Chris, Kyra and New Baby Luca to return from the recovery room. It was so quiet - but a happy, peaceful quiet. I've wandered many halls of hospitals late at night. I loved being ...

Dear Luca, Happy 5 months!!! I've been wanting to write you another letter, but I only found my productivity yesterday. I can't believe how big you are! I'm sure we will never stop letting you know that you were so big - a very, very big and very special baby. My favorite nickname for you right now is Mr. Big. It's from a TV show that will probably be forgotten by the time you are old enough to understand this, but in the TV show Mr. Big was a kind of "dream man." He represented all the main character was looking for - and to me, Luca, you are that important. I never dreamed that I would get to help raise a precious child. You bring so much joy to my life. It's hard to express in words how much you mean to me, kiddo. I can never spend enough time with you. I like to give your parents enough family time, but if I could have my way I'd have your parents move upstairs so I could see you everyday. I love watching you grow! Every time I see you ...