Learning To Live

Here's an update on the Dating Situation.  Last night I went on a very good first date! Yay me! I didn't know such a thing existed.  Usually they are okay, or awkward and then I dump the guy by the end of the week.  I don't think that's going to happen this time... but we'll see.  It hasn't been a week yet.  My dilemma is this: there are too many guys.  Right?  Who ever thought this would happen to ME?  I'm the sick girl who can't get a date - let's mend that - I'm the sick girl who can't get a SANE date.  There was that guy who said we could have kids and the surrogate would be his 2nd wife and she'd live in a different wing of the house and help me raise all our children.  He was a winner.  The kid with no job living in his mother's house.  So too many guys.  I have three other guys who want to meet me.  I want to stop communicating with guys just because this is getting overwhelming.  I'm supposed to be ...

Here is a reason I rejected someone. The question is "What are you most passionate about?" His answer: "I love sports but I am probable most passioniate about helping people, thats a big reason why I want to be a police officer. Probable sounds a little too good to be true but it is." Your spelling skills leave a little to be desired, PROBABLY.

So I'm going to post funny profiles, awesome reasons for rejection and other crazy things that happen during my eHarmony experience.  Here is my first online "we can't date because" rejection: "I'm having fun emailing you too... but i must say, i'm really bummed about the anti-kitty thing... Cats are such a huge part of who i am, and my identity, and there's no way i could ever be without them running freely around. That's not exactly a good thing when they're kinda life-threatening to you :( Beyond that.... there's no easy way of saying it, but it frightens me to enter into a potentially serious relationship with someone having a serious illness. For the last almost 30 years i've grown up watching my mother take care of my increasingly disabled father. I won't get into the details - but... i know its not something i could do." The second part I understand... and that's fine with me.  I wouldn't want...

Last night I watched the latest episode of "Glee." Spoiler alert, in case you haven't seen it yet. In the show there is a character in a wheel chair. There was a wonderful scene where he is singing "Dancing with Myself" and he's dancing. It was expressing how alone he often feels and how he deals with it and moves on. At least that's what I got out of it. Maybe it was because earlier in the day I had been discussing with a good friend the perils of dating when you have physical and/or mental issues. The scene made me particularly happy because in my life I am trying to learn to be happy by myself. I'm trying to learn to be my own best friend, my own significant other, my own support. Trying to find my own happiness doesn't make me any less frustrated with many people in the "normal," "healthy" population. A good friend of mine recently had a relationship end because the guy couldn't deal with her 'unresolvable ...

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to our show. In this evening's production of A Rant, the part of The Crazy Woman will be played by moi, your host. The rank of the day is on dating. I usually rant about my lack of it, but tonight I really don't care so much about that. I really am irked by the abundance of dating-like-things going on around me, and yet no one wants to call it dating. There is no middle ground. Either you are dating, or you are not dating. It's like when recently one of my friends said she is "sort of sleeping with this guy." I asked her if she is or if she isn't, because this is a pretty black or white area. Either you have fucked him or you haven't. And if you don't know you have a whole different set of problems. I think dating is like that. More of an on-off light switch than a dimmer. You can't be "dimly dating" - or maybe that's all that I ever do. Maybe that's my problem. All my relatio...

Here I am staring at my computer screen past midnight when I really should be sleeping. I am hoping that the typing doesn't wake my mother because in fewer than eight hours I have to be awake and giving myself another dose of IV antibiotics. *le sigh.* One more day and then surgery. So I was drifting off to sleep and I started to have what I call "The Dating Nightmare." It only happens when I'm falling asleep - and maybe it's because my bedtime meds aren't working fully yet, but it sets off a round of anxiety where I wind up standing in front of the bathroom mirror picking at my skin. Tonight I decided to stop picking and start typing. Tonight for some reason I was reminded of the last relationship I tried. Maybe ya'll remember it - but for those who don't, it went something like this: Boy is scared to date me. Says he wants a casual relationship because he is scared to date. We date for six days. I say that I would like something more substa...

Let's talk about these things in reverse order. I realized I was still depressed. I'm not the type of person who cries very often. I know that I'm having problems when I cry for stupid reasons. We upped my dose of my depression med, and I'm doing much better - so far. I was with my family over the weekend, and that always makes me feel better. We'll have to see how I'm doing by the end of this week to see if the meds are helping. I have only had to take small naps or no naps and I've been able to get a little done today - like the dishes, and unpacking a little. Hopefully I will be able to continue getting a little done every day - and then someday it will all be done. (insert insane laugh here because it will never be all done because I am so good at making a mess). I want to dance. I watched all the So You Think You Can Dance I missed while I was in Europe/busy before Europe... and I want to dance like that. I decided that if they get that pill t...

Don't. That's my only suggestion. Don't do it... even if the older man seems great and in emails you get along wonderfully and you know his age, and it "doesn't matter." Inevitably you will find yourself in a hotel bar talking about his wife and three kids. END INTERNET DATING.

Tonight I had a splendid bubble bath and a good political conversation. We'll leave it up to you to decide whether they were at the same or different times. I feel really good after my bubble bath. I got all the salt off my skin from being outside so much. One good thing about the salt loss that occurs in CF is it ends up on my skin and then acts as an awesome exfoliant. My skin is all soft and silky and I love it. I also found a website - the Sundance Channel - with insect porn by Isabella Rosalini. I found the like at http://formerlyfun.blogspot.com . I know I linked that in my last post too, but she has some really great stuff. You can find the insect link there. It's probably easier than me looking it up again. I feel really good with my silky skin and my self-esteem boost. Yesterday I was made the bad guy in a nasty situation where the guy cheated on his girlfriend with me - and she thinks it's my fault. She blamed everything on me, and wouldn't listen to ...

"We hurt so many people unintentionally why do we do it on purpose?" That phrase was spoken to me by my 8th grade teacher, and he told me that a very wise man once told him that. That very wise man was my father. I have always tried to live by that saying. I hate to see anyone get hurt. I have this response to seeing my friends or people I know getting hurt. When I see them getting hurt I go into "overprotective" and "must string up and castrate the bastard" mode. Since that is how I view things, I don't get guys. Seriously, I don't understand them at all. I know so many guys who have committed unspeakable acts - cheating, lying, lying about the cheating, sexual assaulting a friend of mine, hitting on friends who I view as little sisters (it'd be great if the Dance Triumvirate of Evil would leave the 18-year-old girls alone), and I just want to get rid of them all. My black list of guys keeps growing - and once you end up on my black lis...

Today I got to page 1 of Dooce.com Yay for me. Now I plan on composing a well-written email to Heather Armstrong about blogging and writing a book and how she did it. My problem is I'm on a very small income - focus on VERY small and the government doesn't allow me to work to earn more. Long story, something I won't blog about in detail. But anyways, I need to figure out how to get my message to more people. To get the numbers on this site higher. To get published. To write a column or help edit things or do something else I'm wildly unqualified for. Today the girl across the hall came in (and I think she'll be back, but I'm going to have company, so she should avoid me, which will be good). Anyways, she came in and every time she comes in I tell her she needs to be on oxygen. There are many reasons I see this. Many reasons I keep telling her. She is confused and her speech slurred and gasping for breath and she's clumsy - and those are signs of ...

Old habits die hard. When I got bored, I immediately wandered on over to Dooce.com to try and finish reading all of the archives. Like I've said before - I will be tragically sad when I finish. Hopefully she is a blogger like me - one who updates many times a day so as not to disappoint. This is probably my favorite entry ever I especially LOVE this paragraph, because Heather Armstrong laid out all my hopes and dreams in one paragraph: "But last night was filled with such joy, such brilliant, tingling happiness, the kind of experience that is so fulfilling that you want everyone you know to go through something like it. And so today I would tell my friend, look, you need to go out, find some guy who loves the way you look in the morning, can forgive you when you lose your shit, thinks that the smell of your neck is better than a football game, and then take that guy and have a lot of grueling sex, over and over and over again, so much that when you roll over next to him wit...

So I'm pretty sure this is post 35 for the day - and I know no one is going to waste their time reading all the silly thoughts I had while sitting in a hospital bed for two weeks - which is why, when I get some more strength, I plan on working on/finishing my book instead of writing blog entry after blog entry. I can't get the image of two phrases out of my head ,"He likes me more than he ever liked her," and the part about the sugar water and hypoglycemia as a reference to being "supportive." Not the same thing. And I don't know why I can't get them out of my head. Maybe it's because I'm so afraid I will never find someone who wants to put up with the CF and the hospital and... well... me. And I write about that a lot. Probably too much. You are probably banging your head on the desk right now telling me to shut up about the dating already! I'm in the same room I was in when I had my surgery in last year. The room when I so desperat...

So I was talking to my good friend here in the hospital, and last night she couldn't sleep because the annoying friend (for lack of a better term) was coughing so hard. Annoying Friend was coughing so hard she was throwing up, and my good friend was scared. Scared because she doesn't ever want to be that sick. And I identify with that feeling. This morning when I woke up and my pulse o2 was bad, all I could think was "I don't want to be on oxygen at night." You think dating is hard now, try saying, "I can't stay over at your place, but you can come to mine. Oh, and by the way, I have to wear oxygen all night so I can breathe." S-E-X-Y. The definition of sexy. And I'm watching more Grey's and a husband is told that his wife is dying of cancer and has about 4-6 months to live, and he doesn't want her to know because he doesn't want her to worry about dying because she's so happy currently. And I'd like that option with dati...

Right here in River City - With a capitol T that rhymes with D that stands for DUDE. Dude I've got trouble. Lots and lots of trouble. First, as if you didn't notice, I'm having a bit of trouble with a couple of friends of mine. It mainly has to do with the fact that I can't find a guy who wants to be supportive of my CF - they are all scared as hell (except Chris - from now on in my blog, when I generalize about the male species I am talking about everyone except Chris, and sometimes Dad and Darin because they too are acceptable as male species). But in reality, Dad and Darin don't count as part of the rest of the male species - Darin is Gay, so therefore he's almost a girl anyways. He's a feminist at heart and knows my CF and what I've been through. Hell, he's had to live alone during high school because my parents had to take care of their dying daughter (I lived, by the way, in case you were wondering). And Dad, he's a Jedi. He is so w...

Chris S. is right. THIS IS MY BLOG AND I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT! BOOGER!!! BIG GREEN HARDENED BOOGERS!!! POOPY DIAPERS!!! GEOREGE BUSH IS A DUMBASS WHO ACTUALLY SAID TO THE POPE, "AWESOME SPEECH YOUR HOLINESS!" VOTE HILLARY!!! See... I can say WHATEVER I WANT. Don't read it if you don't like it. I, much like Fox News am completely biased and tell things the way I want the world to see them. It's called spin. I spin things my way, and that's how it's done. Boy sent me an email. I laughed. It said, among other things, "noticed you left practice early today. are you doing okay?" NO I AM NOT OKAY, DAMNIT!!! I am agreeing with my the comments I've received - that friends wouldn't have done this to me. This is my spin, damnit. And I'm going to say whatever I want and it's going to feel AMAZING... I am not going to try to be friends with Boy. It's my life and hopefully he will stay the fuck away until I say otherwise. Lik...

I don't need fixing. Can't anyone be with me and just let me be me and accept that I have to do certain things to stay healthy (like treat it as a full-time job)? Why is this such a hard concept? Being my friend isn't easy either - are girls (and Chris S.) just better people in general? Is it the motherly-ness that allows them to love me despite being sick? Sarah Lynn put it best "Being your friend doesn't hurt any less." Take it from a girl who knows - we've been friends since kindergarten and she was there through elementary and middle school to tell me to eat my lunch - and she would tell my mom when I wasn't eating my lunch. She's a great best friend. The best best friend. Everyone but Keaton is allowed to comment here - I already got your opinion and I didn't like it. Let's get some others.

I'm finally going to write about it. I mentioned it here and here. Where I left off was saying that my friend - probably the best one I have right now in this town - told me that she wanted to talk to me about something. The second I read the email that said that I knew what she was going to say, but I was hoping it would be something better like "I'm dying of cancer," or even better, "I'm dying of cancer and sitting here with you Carla is going to kill me." I'm pretty sure I would have gotten over those faster. So we met at Noodles and she told me - she's dating Boy. So now Girl and Boy are dating. How fucking perfect. I felt completely betrayed - and still sometimes do, like when I think about how when she said that when Boy and I started dating she liked him - and then I realize that she was dating someone else at the time. In my mind, I am the only one allowed to have my cake and eat it too and I guess Girl missed the memo. Actually,...

If I could, I would go to CF Group every week. Those people really GET me. I love them. Tonight we talked about pets and many things not related to CF. I learned and realized some things today - besides the fact that I have a migrane right now and need to go take something for it... On dating- I know what I want, I know what I need, and I'm not going to settle for anything less. I will not put myself in a situation where I have to "take care of" the other person. It would be stressful on me and make my own health worse. I know the kind of support I need in a partner and I'm now willing to wait until I find the right person. I can't "make" the right person. I need to "find" the right person. Right now I'm in a place where my friends are great and I have enough of them to support me and help me and my family is fantastic. Let's stand up and give them a round of applause - they are that good. And my therapist is amazing. I want...

On this brilliantly lovely day I have been reading dooce.com (linked on the left...), and this was written by Heather Armstrong (a Goddess among writers) on her blog: "For quite awhile during Leta’s first few months, I wasn’t sure what I would be coming home to at the end of a work day. The summer of 2004 was pretty bad, and I tried to be positive and upbeat, but ultimately I learned I couldn’t fix her. I think this is the biggest male-who-is-a-significant-other delusion; that we can somehow fix it. Learning this is fundamental to dealing with a person who suffers from a mental illness. I had to learn to accept and support. This was difficult and something I’m still working on." It's what her husband said in an interview several years ago, and it really hit home with me because I had a conversation with Boy where he said he "can't fix me." And I pretty much yelled at him, "I never asked you to." Because it really pisses me off when people think th...