Learning To Live

The Bean, Luca-Bean, Luca-Bug, Buddy, Bug, Mr. Big, LLBean (Little Luca Bean), Mama's Teddy Bear. Luca. So many nicknames for such a sweet little boy. Today you are two, Luca-Bug. I never knew that two could feel like such a big number - so old. It's cliche to say, but I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. It was a cool, cloudy fall day - and I thought it couldn't be more beautiful because I was thrilled you were finally going to be born. There had been lots of waiting - lots of walking around with Mama to try and get you to come into the world, and none of it worked. Not even seeing David Sedaris and laughing that hard could cause Mama to go into full labor. He signed a book for you - and when you're older, I hope you read it and enjoy it as much as I have. It's a funny book. But back to the story of you. Mama was in labor at the hospital on the 13th of October - which happens to be the birthday of my best friend since kindergarten, Sarah ...

I have had a few awesome conversations recently.  Have fun! The mind of a five-year-old: Maddy: Do you still have your tattoo? Me: Yep! Maddy (exasperated): Ah, when is it going to wash off!?! Me: Never, it's a special forever tattoo, remember? Maddy: FOREVER? Like, even when you're 69? Me: Yes Maddy, it'll still be there when I'm 69. This made me think, "Ew.  My tattoo will be all wrinkly and weird when I'm 69.  But I will still want it there."  And I figure that's the point - if you still want the tattoo when you are wrinkly and it is wrinkly and unrecognizable, then the tattoo was worth it.  I'm thinking of a second tattoo - and I can't decide.  What I really want is big and complicated.  A simple version is just the word "Breathe."  I'd really like to have a vine intertwined in the letters and a rose at the top, and on each leaf and/or petals have the first initial of each of my angels - CF and otherwise, possibly ...

I'm having a bad day. I'm lonely and having trouble getting over what happened this morning. I don't know if it was a true flashback but i didn't like it. So I'm going to take a nap. Here's me ready for my nap - O2 and all. -- Carla's on the go! Post from her iPhone.

It's early morning and I'm sitting on my couch knitting.  My needles clicking fast - trying to finish one scarf so I can finish another.  Suddenly, I burst into tears.  Only for a moment do I sob; then the tears just trickle slowly down my face.  I know what started the flow of tears, but I'm not sure why they started.  I'm watching last night's episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" and it's heavy on the PTSD issues.  A scene where a character falls to the floor in fear and can't move - I remember when that would happen to me - but I don't start crying yet.  The fallen character's best friend rushes to her side and holds her hand to pull her out, to calm her fear.  Now my sobs start.  I wish someone had been there to pull me out - that someone had recognized what was going on.  I remember a best friend calling me ridiculous because of my fear.  I had collapsed on the floor in front of her and she told me I was faking it.  That made ...