Learning To Live

First, a very Happy 24th Birthday (today) to my best friend since Kindergarten, Sarah Lynn. I love you! One year ago tonight I was helping another best friend push. And push and push and push. She pushed herself to the very limit, and I'll never know how she found the strength to do it. I don't think I could have. While I didn't actually witness the moment of birth of my (honorary) nephew, Luca, just being there for the whole experience was something I will always treasure. I know that my body isn't strong enough to carry a child (not to mention that my mind isn't healthy enough to be without my happy pills), so being around the strength, pain, and most importantly the love of the process of childbirth was a true gift. I wandered the halls of the hospital that night, waiting for Chris, Kyra and New Baby Luca to return from the recovery room. It was so quiet - but a happy, peaceful quiet. I've wandered many halls of hospitals late at night. I loved being ...

"Well it's my birthday, too, yea." It's my 23rd birthday. Usually, I don't like my birthday. That's not true. I love my birthday. I love celebrating that I have beaten cystic fibrosis for another year. I love celebrating my life. If it were up to me, I'd have a huge blowout EVERY year. Such as it is, I don't celebrate by birthday ON my birthday in the last few years, because my mother refuses to wish me a happy birthday. It started when I was 17. She canceled my birthday. She didn't cancel a party or something grand we had in the works to celebrate. She canceled the actual day. She didn't speak to me all day and refused to wish me a happy birthday. And then the next year, when I turned 18, she did it again. Last year I thought we were good. My parents came down the weekend before my birthday and we went out for a birthday dinner. I'm pretty sure she wished me happy birthday at the dinner - but before they left, she got into a fi...

I'm having problems. Problems of the emotional sort. Today sucked. Sucked so bad I went and spent $200 on NOTHING. Well, I bought toilet paper, but that doesn't really count. My goal was to go to the store and buy toilet paper, but I found myself wandering around Target aimlessly adding things to my basket. And that added up to $200 - how did I do that? I know how I did that. I sat at home mopey about having to sleep so much because of my sinuses, sort of glad that I had no reason to shower today because I had the day off, and then I was thinking about my mother. And oh, the damage that woman has done. I don't know why, but it has really hit me harder this time. I think I'm figuring out why I do things and a lot of it is Mom. I hate to say that. I hate to be the kid who blames things on her mother, but I can't help it. Mom has screwed me up. You would be screwed up too if she canceled your 17th and 18th birthdays. Yes, she canceled them. And it's a...