Learning To Live

May is busy.  I am attending 2 graduations, Great Strides, and trying to balance work and my life.  This spring feels like my graduation - a graduation into life.  I'm being thrown into the realization I'm an adult and I'm not so sure I like it.  When I was little I used to say that I wanted to stay a kid forever.  I'm sort of realizing why that wasn't such a bad idea.   I'm a grown up.  Are you serious?  You've got to be kidding me.  I'm still 7 and running around the backyard with my friends.  I'm playing with dolls wanting so badly to be 12 so I can babysit.  I'm still 12 and can't wait to be 16.  I'm 16 wanting to be in college.  I'm living in the dorms.  Am I really turning 25?  Why do I no longer consider 25 an adult? The other day I was driving my car around, listening to new music and enjoying the nice weather.  Then Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up" came up on my iPod and and as the song played I c...

I am inspired by songs. I always have been. "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones has always played a big part in my life. It's a very important song to my family, especially to me and my father. I think we are the sentimental ones. When I was a senior in high school I had to choose a quote to put under my picture in the yearbook. Out of all the songs I knew, for what I was going through at the time the lyrics to "You Can't Always Get What You Want" seemed most appropriate. I couldn't fit all I wanted, so I chose, "But if you try sometime, you might just find You get what you need." I think of that quote a lot - especially when I am sad or have a bad day. I try and think if I have what I need. If I do, then I try and let the things I want go. I try and focus on what I really need - my family, my friends, and my lungs. I try and tell myself that when I lose one of those things then it is time to worry. But so...

This is me complaining because I won't complain anywhere but here. I don't want to lay on the couch in pain anymore. I am tired of rotting my brain with stupid television (yes, I've already watched everything worth watching... twice. Honestly, I've seen nearly every episode of Law and Order. That is how much television I watch). When I read my book I fall asleep. I'm tired of sleeping all day, eating dinner, maybe doing something in the evening - but usually waiting by myself in front of the television until it is 9pm so I can go to bed. I want to dance again. Well, I'm still dancing - I just dance until I nearly pass out from pain. GOOD STRATEGY, Carla. Well, fuck you, voice of reason in my head. I want to sort the rest of my stuff so my house is organized. FUCK I'm so close - and I can't finish it. I want this to go away. It's not something that was in my CF contract. I got it out and looked. Pelvis pain is NOT in there. Dying from lung dis...

... and I mean that. This is truly how to become completely neurotic. Since I am a neurotic nightmare, the next list is not in any order of importance - except they are all key steps on the road to being neurotic. 1) Hold onto that dream you gave up on three years ago because of your health. That's right. PRETEND you are going to graduate next spring with your masters in Chemical Engineering. 2) Go ahead, in your mind change your name so you can become (or rather, pretend to be) the person you wanted to be before you got this sick. Yeah. Think of yourself with a new name. 3) Commence internet search to find a date - a guy that isn't cheating on someone, who cares about you, who wants to live with you - the future chemical engineer with the different name - forever. 4) Actually go on date with a guy you met on internet. Make sure he is the same age as the teacher who stalked you in high school. 5) Think things could go somewhere with said much older guy because you're...