Saturday, January 30, 2010

Still Not "THE" Post

That's right. This is not the positive, humorous post that I am still planning to write. This is a rant. This is my frustration spilling out onto my blog because I'm tired of crying on the phone to my dad.

I have endometriosis. And a bunch of other things including fibromyalgia. The fibro is bothering me today and kept me from going to a dance practice I really wanted to attend. So instead of dancing I sat on the couch watching stupid television, and I took a nap. And now I'm out of stupid television so I am watching HGTV on my Saturday night because I am JUST. THAT. COOL.

My insurance company has denied the shot that keeps my endometriosis under control. We appealed and they denied it again. And boy am I pissed. And worried. And crying. I found out last night while at a dance and I just wanted to burst into tears. But how do I explain that I want to stay in menopause despite the knee issues and the Brillo-Pad hair on my chin. I don't have the pain. The all-consuming keeps me on the couch pain. I remember that pain. It was not a good time.

And now I'm having all sorts of issues with the fibro, and I'm scared the endo will come back because that might be the only option I have. To stop getting the shots and do something less effective to prove that I need the shots. AW, MOTHER FUCKER.

I want ALL the pain to be gone. I have a better time with my lungs than the pain. I feel like I was born with the lung problems and they are my "destiny," but the rest of this shit is just that - bullshit I don't need.

And I think my rant is going to end there. I might just go to bed because I'm so frustrated with being frustrated. I'm frustrated with dealing with pain. I'm frustrated with getting through things. I just want it all to be a little less painful. Thank you and goodnight.

Meds, Meds, Meds

This isn't the original post I wanted to put up, but this will do. I need to make a list of my medications- I have a general one, but in the last few months I've had several changes. There are a couple I don't know the generic name of OR the dose. And for those of you who know me, I've known all my meds by heart since I was about eight.

There is also a part of me that is a little embarrassed to post my medications, doses and what they are for. Me, the giant "I AM DEPRESSED AND IT'S OKAY" person, is ashamed that I am mentally ill. I'm embarrassed because I know people will judge me for the psych meds I am on. But I need to feel secure that my meds are mine and my choices and make me feel better and it's no one's business.

And so for now, my list of medications will remain my business because maybe I'm not quite ready to shout from the rooftop all my problems. And because do ya'll really care? I have one friend who asked to know - so maybe I'll make a list for her and a list for me because I need the practice - I know I NEED to know all my medications. It's for my health!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Back At It... maybe

So I'm back. Where I was, I don't know. But I think I'm back. I might be back and able to blog again. I'm at least going to try. My goal for today is to post something important. And then maybe I'll have other things to say in the near future. Hopefully.

In the meantime, I would like to say, I have an amazingly cute nephew!!!

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