Thursday, October 14, 2010

Mr. Big Turns Two

The Bean, Luca-Bean, Luca-Bug, Buddy, Bug, Mr. Big, LLBean (Little Luca Bean), Mama's Teddy Bear.

Luca. So many nicknames for such a sweet little boy.

Today you are two, Luca-Bug. I never knew that two could feel like such a big number - so old. It's cliche to say, but I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. It was a cool, cloudy fall day - and I thought it couldn't be more beautiful because I was thrilled you were finally going to be born. There had been lots of waiting - lots of walking around with Mama to try and get you to come into the world, and none of it worked. Not even seeing David Sedaris and laughing that hard could cause Mama to go into full labor. He signed a book for you - and when you're older, I hope you read it and enjoy it as much as I have. It's a funny book.

But back to the story of you. Mama was in labor at the hospital on the 13th of October - which happens to be the birthday of my best friend since kindergarten, Sarah Lynn. I didn't know how I felt about you sharing her birthday - but I know she's been such an angel in my life, it must be a good sign if the 13th was to be your birthday. You were born after midnight that night, so you are a 14th of October baby. And Luca-Bean, the 14th is a great day too. You have become an angel in my life. I can't tell you the number of ways my life has improved since you were born. Mainly, there are more giggles, hugs, kisses, and silliness. And I love being silly.

I can't imagine what the last two years would have been like without you. You

make me laugh harder and with such pure joy. I have taken hundreds of photos of you - I'm afraid I'll forget what you were like at each age. You have grown and changed so fast!

I wanted to do something really special for your birthday, but there is nothing I could do that would come anywhere near being as precious as what your mama did. You can see it at - search for montage, I think. Luca, I cried watching this montage. Many of the photos are ones I took - like the first photo of you where Baba is holding you. And at the park with Mama. And the second to last photo was taken at my One Year IV Free Party. Hopefully you'll never have to know how sick Auntie Carla was or why that party was so important. Hopefully, there will be many more IV Free years!

The song Mama used in the montage was a song I put on the Lullaby CD I made for you - one of 10 CDs I made for your 1st Christmas. I want you to love music. I want you to be passionate about dance. Most of all u want you to be happy. So don't worry about what I want you to be - be whoever you want to be.

Always know that I am here for you, Bean. You can tell me anything. I'll help you through anything.

"I'll love you forever and always because you are my Dear One." - Barbara M. Joosse

Happy 2nd Birthday!!!

Auntie Carla

Monday, October 11, 2010


I have had a few awesome conversations recently.  Have fun!

The mind of a five-year-old:

Maddy: Do you still have your tattoo?
Me: Yep!
Maddy (exasperated): Ah, when is it going to wash off!?!
Me: Never, it's a special forever tattoo, remember?
Maddy: FOREVER? Like, even when you're 69?
Me: Yes Maddy, it'll still be there when I'm 69.

This made me think, "Ew.  My tattoo will be all wrinkly and weird when I'm 69.  But I will still want it there."  And I figure that's the point - if you still want the tattoo when you are wrinkly and it is wrinkly and unrecognizable, then the tattoo was worth it.  I'm thinking of a second tattoo - and I can't decide.  What I really want is big and complicated.  A simple version is just the word "Breathe."  I'd really like to have a vine intertwined in the letters and a rose at the top, and on each leaf and/or petals have the first initial of each of my angels - CF and otherwise, possibly living angels too.  But that is a lot of people.  An INCREDIBLE number of people.  I think I'd have to limit it to my angels who are no longer living.

Again, with the five-year-old:

Maddy: What are you doing?
Me: Knitting.
Maddy: What's that?
Me: I use yarn... this string stuff is called yarn, to make things like scarves and sweaters.  This is going to be a scarf. 
Maddy: Oh.

Two minutes pass...

Maddy: Are you done knitting yet?
Me: No honey, knitting takes a long time. 
Maddy: Like a day?
Me: Sometimes, but sometimes many days.
Maddy: I don't like knitting.

Five minutes pass...

Maddy: Are you tired of knitting yet?
Me: No, kiddo, I really like knitting.
Maddy: I don't like knitting.

We were watching a movie, so I thought I'd work on a scarf pattern I've been wanting to try. And while I'm talking about knitting - I took photos of many things I have knit, so hopefully I will be posting those on the craft blog soon.  ALSO, I have scrapbook photos, and I should take photos of the shoes I just put sequins on for Halloween.  They turned out better than I expected!!!

This is possibly the most random conversation I have ever had - if you can even call it a conversation.  It's an online conversation between me and a friend from high school.  His parents were family friends, so I knew him when I was really young.  This is all that was said:

R: Purple?
Me: Orange?
R: Muave?
Me: Burnt Sienna?
R: Aqua marine.
And then he signed off...

I think that conversation is even more random and unintelligible than most of the conversations I have with my 2-year-old nephew.  Luca is more clear with what he wants to talk about.  

Last night Luca was here and again he asked, "Where Gammpa Buce?" and "Where Gammpa Buce go?"  I love that he loves my dad.  I loves that he calls him "Grandpa" because I don't know if I or my brother will ever have kids of our own.  It's hard to explain to him that he doesn't live with me - that he just comes to visit a lot.  
I love conversations that make me laugh :-)

Friday, October 1, 2010

The new nap

I'm having a bad day. I'm lonely and having trouble getting over what happened this morning. I don't know if it was a true flashback but i didn't like it.

So I'm going to take a nap. Here's me ready for my nap - O2 and all.

-- Carla's on the go! Post from her iPhone.

Holding Hands

It's early morning and I'm sitting on my couch knitting.  My needles clicking fast - trying to finish one scarf so I can finish another.  Suddenly, I burst into tears.  Only for a moment do I sob; then the tears just trickle slowly down my face.  I know what started the flow of tears, but I'm not sure why they started. 

I'm watching last night's episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" and it's heavy on the PTSD issues.  A scene where a character falls to the floor in fear and can't move - I remember when that would happen to me - but I don't start crying yet.  The fallen character's best friend rushes to her side and holds her hand to pull her out, to calm her fear.  Now my sobs start.  I wish someone had been there to pull me out - that someone had recognized what was going on. 

I remember a best friend calling me ridiculous because of my fear.  I had collapsed on the floor in front of her and she told me I was faking it.  That made it worse.  Sometimes, I thought I was making it happen - but then why couldn't I stop it?

My tears stream because I needed that one person to confide in, one person to tell me it isn't my fault and to tell me I could do something about it. 

I went to college still 'crazy' and I still regret things I said and did to people.  I needed so much help and it only got much worse before it got any better.  When I finally got help, I found a person - a few people, but one person in particular - who gave me the strength to come forward.  This person, A, still inspires me today.  I believe she went through much worse, but she was able to help me.  A says I helped her too, and I hope I was able to be her pulling hand as much as she was mine.  Sometimes when I have a bad day or a PTSD nightmare I want to rush to her side, hold her hand and make sure she's really okay. 

I have more mature friends now - most likely because I'm older.  My very best friend Sarah Lynn and I are much closer than we were in high school - we drifted apart during those four awful years.  My more mature friends understand what happened and some even help pull me out when I have a bad day or a relapse. 

But I have all these 'what ifs' rolling around in my head.  What if Sarah Lynn and I hadn't drifted apart?  Could she have been the one to hold my hand and pull me out?  I know she could be that person now - but what about then?  What if my other friends had been more supportive - or had payed attention?  What if my parents had asked why I was so angry, or why I was hurting myself?

I'm crying because of the 'what ifs.'  Because maybe if someone had held my hand and pulled me out, I wouldn't still have problems. 

The tears are gone.  Wiped away.  I remember I can't change the past, only the future.  And as I return to my knitting and the PTSD-heavy episode of "Grey's," I know I want to surround myself with the friends who would be there for me - and I always want to be the person willing to hold your hand when you need it. 

My Blog List

Site Meter