Friday, August 28, 2009

To my millions

Dear fans and friends,
My Internet may or may not be dead for a long time. I hate typing on th iPhone. Especially long posts. Blarg.

So while I'm thinking of entries I'd like to write, I hope I don't forget them before my Internet works again.


-- Post From My iPhone

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Your Voice

I have a strong urge to watch home movies from when I was a little kid. I want to hear your voice. I know hearing your voice will only make me sad, so I stop myself. I'm 23 years old and I don't understand. I don't understand why you are the way you are or how I ended up here or why I have all these confusing emotions.

Sometimes, I want to write about everything honestly. I want to write about pain and destruction. I want to talk about floods of tears and shaking in fear. I want to be honest. I want the world to know the truth.

Parts of me are afraid if I write honestly I will lose any chance of ever hearing your voice again. I want to hold onto the possibility of you sitting by my hospital bed after surgery and giving me hugs every night before you leave, because there are some things I can't imagine doing without you.

When all this first happened I could never imagine doing home IVs by myself. To be honest, I couldn't imagine doing much of anything without talking to you, first. I talked to you multiple times daily. I used you as a crutch to limp along. As I am finishing my first round of home IVs without you, I am free. I feel alive and happy. I know I can do anything - even if I have to do it without ever hearing your voice again. And that knowledge and belief in myself should be enough to allow myself to write freely about things I need to write about.

But most days, I would rather hear your voice, so I don't write honestly.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

You Are My Sunshine

Dear Internet,
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... Not really, but it is severely nice to be sitting at my desktop computer using the INTERNET. The one that connects to the outside world and does things OTHER than bring emails to my phone and send twitter messages FROM the phone to the internets, where I ASSUME they are published. But only if I'm in a good reception area.

My brother keeps telling me I need a new modem, but I SWEAR I'll keep limping along with this one until I can no longer get it to work EVER, and then I will buy a new one. Then I will unpack it, and glare at it because it is not working until my brother comes to plug it in. Mainly, because it is dusty under my desk and why get dirty when I don't have to? Once Darin plugs the new thing in I will jump and giggle and probably post about my new found ability to do all sorts of things on the internet, like listen to music, download it, watch TV and movies, and read all those Mommy blogs I have been missing.

Kate Gosslin, you may just have to be my connection to the Mommy Blog world until I get my internet-skilled brother to hook me up again, literally. (If you didn't know, Kate Gosslin is going to host a week of The View. Why? I don't know. But I'll be watching! But I always wonder where those 8 cute kids are when she's all over TV.)

This is all I've got right now. The INTERNET IS CALLING.... mainly that part that fills my brain with new music!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

This Week

This is going to be one of those boring posts where I talk about my life.

I love living my life. It's a really fun thing to do! Have you ever tried living your life? I hope you're having as much fun as I am!

Now I will stop talking like a Dr. Seuss book.

This week I worked 17 hours. Can you believe it? I did it. I survived. I'm also talking as if this week were over and it's only Thursday. Today I took a total day for myself and stayed in my PJs all day. I took naps when I needed it and ate stuff. I didn't overeat- I'm just getting the hang of this "diet" thing, AND I'm starting to lose weight, so I don't want to jinx any of that.

I really enjoy that the hardest part of my day is deciding what to eat so I stay in my "allotted number of calories" for the day. I really miss my friend Eab at this point - she was really good with this stuff. She knew Weight Watchers like the back of her hand. I could use her guidance. Except I don't cook. So that limits my foods, somewhat. Fruit bars are great. And cheese sticks.

I feel like I let down a friend tonight by not showing up for something - but I also feel that he is a big boy and can survive on his own. How do you think I got to know everyone there? I showed up by myself often - because at the time I couldn't get these exact friends to go with me. And I really needed a night at home.

My mother called today to yell at me about something. I didn't get to the phone on time, so I just got the voicemail. I'm really glad I didn't answer the phone. I feel bad enough, and all I heard was the voicemail. I think I have a "no answer" policy if my mother ever calls again. And she will, if only to yell at me more. Thus, the "no answer" policy.

Lately, I feel like a real human being. I feel successful and capable, responsible and self-confident. All those things everyone has seen on the outside for all these years, I'm starting to feel that way on the inside. Some of it is the treatments I'm going through to help my pain issues, and some of it is I'm rid of most of the anxiety my mother causes. Yes, I just admitted that in a blog entry. On the Internet. For the WORLD to read.

Now if only I could write about it in my personal journal, maybe I'd make some leaps and bounds in progress.

So things are good. My main complaints are that food has too many calories, and the guy upstairs makes too much noise. By the way, if you happen to be the guy living above me, your music is too loud. Your surround system is TOO LOUD. Your patio door is TOO LOUD. Your shower makes it sound like the ceiling is going to cave in on me. Your subwoofer shakes things in my house. You go to bed too late. Your noise keeps me up at night. And in the morning, if you could NOT walk while you get ready for work, that'd be great. Your walking wakes me up. Thanks.

NCIStealing my Life

NCIS is one of the few crime solving dramas I haven't watched with obsestivity. I now have USA network in HD, so I am obsessively DVRing all the episodes they play.

Right now I'm watching an episode where Abigail Breslin ( the genius actress from Little Miss Sunshine) plays a blind girl. This is one of the best episodes of television I have ever seen. And it was worth blogging about.

-- Post From My iPhone

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Up too late

So I'm up too late. I should be sleeping because I babysit at 9am. But while I was in the shower, I was able to work on extracting a booger. Yes, I'm talking about boogers now.

I could feel this booger causing pressure, but I didn't know how to get it out. Rinsing my nose hadn't budged it, so I decided to dig around and mine me some boogers.

I was pretty sure this booger was in that little space straight back in your nose - the space you can barely reach with your little pinky because that's the only finger that fits. Well this booger was there - but so far back I could barely touch it - and I've got long nails.

So it's me, versus the booger. And when I say booger, i know most of you are thinking the consistency of snot. But in order for something to cause that much pressure, it's more the consistency of rock. So i'm rooting around poking at the pressure-causing rock booger and I'm not getting anywhere. It's frustrating. I've been blowing out my nose as hard as I can to see if it will move forward just enough for me to grab the edge so I can pull it out, but this booger ain't budging.

I stomp my foot in frustration as I blow out my nose, and when I stick my finger back in to continue my vain attempt to dislodge this thing I notice it has moved! Not much, but I can almost grasp the edge to pull it out. So this time as I blow out my nose as hard as I can, I jump up and down, and what do you know? I free the damn thing. It shoots out my nose into my hand.

I am so proud- and my head feels better too! Because I'm so proud, and just to show you how incredibly large this SOB was, here is a photo of the biggerst booger I've ever gotten out sans surgery. Enjoy.

-- Post From My iPhone

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Can Life

Today I did a load of laundry. The entire load from start to finish. And yesterday I finished a load I started Sunday. That is two loads of laundry in three days. To me, this is a sign of my new life. I am calling it "The Can Life" because I CAN do anything I need to do.

This is not about me striving to do all the things I want to do - although, there will be a lot of that still. This is about me striving to do the things I NEED to do. Pouring my meds on the day they need to be poured. Emptying the dishwasher when it's done. Loading dishes after every meal. Doing the laundry when I have a full load to do. Showering. Making my bed. Cleaning. Fixing meals. Exercising. Living my life successfully and happily.

"The Can Life" is about me finding who I am by doing things. I will take out the trash and send in the parking ticket for review because those things need to be done. This may fall apart a little when I get sicker, but hopefully not too bad.

I am exercising because I can. I take the stairs because I can. I walk up and down State Street with my friends on a Friday night because I can. And I only have to ask them to slow down once or twice - and it was because my feet hurt.

I feel much better about myself and my life. Why? Because I CAN!

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