Learning To Live

I want to scream from the rooftops "I'm ALL BETTER!!!" I want to dance and spin and jump up and down BECAUSE I CAN! I am loving the song "Defying Gravity" (the Glee version). The lyrics are speaking to me - in parentheses are my thoughts/reasons why I love that line! Defying Gravity Something has changed within me (I feel better physically AND mentally! Finally!) Something is not the same (I'm not so crazy) I'm through with playing by the rules (CF should keep me from doing things) Of someone else's game (CF is NOT my game) Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep (Let's stay awake!!!) It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap! (I'm Leaping back into life!) It's time to try Defying gravity I think I'll try Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I am defying gravity And you wont bring me down! (No one will bring me down!) I'm through accepting limits ''cause someo...

I found this video today. I usually watch Momversation videos because I am with children a lot, I enjoy the panelists, and it's just a really well-done site. This video hit home. I feel I can never do enough for depression and mental illness. Mental illness is horrible. I've said this before, but I have very little trouble living my life with my physical illnesses - my cystic fibrosis and my diabetes (not to mention the fibromyalgia, endometriosis, chronic migraines and something I'm sure I'm forgetting). I really don't mind them so much. I have to take medicine and do treatments, but those are okay. Sometimes I get angry or sad because this is the way my life is, but for the most part, I accept it. When I am not sufficiently medicated for my mental illnesses (PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc.) I am a complete mess. It's hard to put into words the difference between physical and mental illness, but I'm trying. Mental illness is all-consuming. You can...

Today I found productivity. Today I found me. I had been hiding - somewhere deep inside because the depression had taken over. It takes a lot of energy to fight the depression (and medication doesn't hurt). Finally I feel like a person again. I feel like I am back and enjoying things and I have goals and desires and normal worries. I don't have the all-encompassing self-doubt and worry and worthlessness. I no longer feel like nothing I do will get me anywhere. I feel like I can move the world - and that's how I like to be. Today I re-started my quest to make a big impact on the world. I became productive again. Today I set out on a quest I started last summer or fall. I had a bag (think kitchen trash bag) full of papers that needed to be sorted. I sorted them all and threw away most of it, and organized the rest into piles and then put them away. I finally put my decoupage magazine holders to use - I use one for papers and notes I have on things to write about fo...

First, I lost my "Women for Hillary" button. This makes me terribly sad - as does the speed at which my computer is typing. I'm typing about a sentence faster than my computer can handle and it's pissing me off. But back to the button. Maybe it's time that I give up on my Hillary button - but still, I love that button. I went to MST3K night tonight, after having slept all day. Literally, I woke up at 7:30am, ate breakfast, wandered around my house aimlessly, and then went back to sleep. I woke up at 1pm, wandered around, ate lunch, wandered around, went back to sleep. I woke up at 6pm, had dinner and then went to hang out with people. I really didn't find hanging out with people that enjoyable. It helped some, but then I realized how much fun I wasn't having. There was back rub exchanging going on and I just sat there. I didn't say anything, I didn't participate, I just sat there knitting. And then I found myself sobbing on the way home. ...

I'm not a fan of January. Maybe it's all this cold weather, or the lack of sunshine, or the fact that it feels like I am living at the north pole, but whatever it is: I. Hate. January. It is possible my hatred will continue into February and possibly March if the weather doesn't stay above about 20 degrees on a regular basis. I'm doing well lung-wise, and I'm getting better at doing things around the house. I think I'm having problems emotionally. January does this to me. I become bat-shit crazy somewhere between November and January. Call it seasonal depression, call it nutty - I don't care what you call it, I just know that I don't feel quite right and I want to fix it. I'd like to fix it before the anger inside me boils over and I go on a screaming rampage. Sadly that anger will probably end up misplaced and directed at someone I really don't want to be mad at if I don't figure this out. Thanks for listening to this brief announcement...

Is there a place I could go where I'm in therapy for a week straight? They force me to get out all my issues and work through them in one week, and then I'm better - like, almost normal except for all those psych meds I'm on. I think they need to make a place like that. I think they have one - it's called a mental institution, and I'm not that crazy, yet.

I have two friends conspiring to save my soul. I know one thinks that if I accept God into my life, I will get better. Good thinking. I think I have written about this before, but I noticed a post on Facebook about me and it just irked me. My soul is good. I do my own spiritual thing - what I need to get through my CF and the troubles I have. I take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Some people may not agree with the way I do it, but my way works for me and I'm happy. I've gotten myself through depression so far - and not to mention all those setbacks like, oh, dropping out of college, not being able to have a job because of my "disability" - I don't really like calling it that, but I guess that's what it is. I have gotten through being on oxygen and thinking I was near the transplant list several times - and I have bounced back and continued to work on all the things I love. I love the CF Foundation, I love babysitting, I love my ...

I'm feeling better- I was just tired and overdosed on bad CF stuff. That end-stage blog stuff is hard to deal with, but I feel it's important. Not only for other CFers, but for the public to see how desperately we need to raise money to help these kids - the kids who may not get a chance to see high school - or even middle school. While high school may not have been my favorite period in my life, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I did some amazing things in high school - some things I think every kid should get to do. I went to Paris with the Marching band, just to name a major priceless thing I did. I played clarinet in Fiddler on the Roof, and piano for the Swing Choir. My mentors from high school are the greatest role models a teenager could have. I find these CF kids inspiring and I look up to them, even though I am older - but at the same time, I would do anything to trade places with them, even for a little while, so they could be happy and worry-free. So t...

Today is a bad day so far. Maybe it's because I've done basically nothing. Or maybe it's because I'm having a bad day in terms of depression. Does anyone know if with depression there are good days and bad days, even when you're on your therapeutic dose of medication? I hope not. I want just good days. I want Sunshine and Lollipops. Maybe I'm sad because I keep finding new blogs about little kids who have died from CF - at like, age 12. I hate that, but why can't I stop reading? The medical stuff I've found out is maybe too much for me. I'm now trying to digest what end-stage CF looks like, because I've never physically been near a friend who was end-stage. The two friends I've had die in the last year weren't extremely close friends, so I wasn't there near the end. Now I have read what end-stage looks like, and I know enough to know that it is bad. Very, very bad. And maybe I'm finally scared for me - but even more so,...

I feel good! I knew that I would! So Good! So Good! ...Right. I'm doing good. I have kept up with the dishes, and this weekend will do some laundry and pour my meds (under the supervision of my parents, because I probably wouldn't do them unless I was being watched). But the dishes, yes. I have kept up with them. And the showering - I've showered all but one day this week - and it's okay to skip a day every now and then. I'm just proud of the dishes, the watering my plant, and the showering. That in itself is an accomplishment. Now I need to work on pouring my meds on my own, (I can order and pick them up still - I never failed there), and doing my own laundry. Then we will work on the mess that is my home. I will get this place organized eventually! And someday I will put all my clothes away and clean my place - put all the crap that is lying around away. I know I'm doing better. And I think it's because I feel like I have a job. I can't go int...

Let's talk about these things in reverse order. I realized I was still depressed. I'm not the type of person who cries very often. I know that I'm having problems when I cry for stupid reasons. We upped my dose of my depression med, and I'm doing much better - so far. I was with my family over the weekend, and that always makes me feel better. We'll have to see how I'm doing by the end of this week to see if the meds are helping. I have only had to take small naps or no naps and I've been able to get a little done today - like the dishes, and unpacking a little. Hopefully I will be able to continue getting a little done every day - and then someday it will all be done. (insert insane laugh here because it will never be all done because I am so good at making a mess). I want to dance. I watched all the So You Think You Can Dance I missed while I was in Europe/busy before Europe... and I want to dance like that. I decided that if they get that pill t...

I found this here , (formerlyfun.blogspot.com) and found it very amusing - and pretty much true. It's another new blog I've found and I enjoy. I need a new hobby. "Nothing" is a pretty good hobby, but I don't know how much more "nothing" I can stand. So here it is, The Upside of Depression: 1. When you call to see a doctor and they ask why, when you tell them you've been feeling sad, they will get you in RIGHT away. 2. You finally did something to render your mother-in-law speechless for now, and just a little afraid of you forever. 3. Skimping on outfit changes and showers means less laundry, lower water bills. 4. Crying burns calories. 5. Suddenly, you're getting high fives for getting up in the morning. 6. Apathy and mood swings makes you feel like a teenager again. 7. Doing Nothing is a cheap hobby. 8. Your new expressionless face is eradicating your forehead wrinkles. 9. No one asks you why you are adding chocolate chips to your cheese om...

I don't know what to do with my blog. I've been thinking about the complaints I've gotten for the depressing nature of my blog... and yeah, I re-read the whole thing, and I was obviously depressed the entire time I was writing, until it got better. I can tell the week where my meds started to work - I changed and people continued to give me shit. The one person in particular who was giving me shit is younger than me. She has CF and is going to school and lives with her parents. I don't know her except through a few online conversations and postings in a group's discussion board. I don't know where she thought it would be a good idea to anonymously bash me and everything I said for more than a month, but that's her business. There are so many things I could say - I could defend my PTSD and my depression because they are real and exist. She "doesn't believe in most psych-illnesses" (yeah, she texted that to ME, the daughter of a PSYCHIATRIST...

Because some idiot posted this: "Jesus christ. Nothing makes you happy, like ever. Suck it up woman. " The walk did make me happy. I just came home and felt really crappy from all the things I had done today - way too early in the morning - and well, I don't know if you've seen any of the photos, but I AM smiling and HAVING A GOOD TIME. And just for that... my next post will be photos from today to prove I have the ability to smile. I loved being with the people who love me. I loved walking with them and joking with them. They are great people. And any time I get to spend with Sarah Lynn is a good time. I'm going to build a boat, and take Darin and Sarah Lynn hostage and move them to a desert island. Because sometimes, they are the only people in the world I want to spend time with. Sometimes, but not today. Today I got to spend time with little kids - and hold Josie and make her giggle. "Is Josie going to ride the bus" "Yes!" "Is...

So I have this post-hospital depression thing going on. It doesn't kick in until I realize that I'm going to be all alone again, and well, I hate that. Today was Great Strides. We raised a ton of money, but it was so cold it wasn't very fun. Plus all that walking sucked. Royally sucked. I don't know what to do about Italy - I guess I have to practice walking??? This was the first year at the walk my whole team didn't stay together and I guess it bothered me. I'm going back to my room to watch more TV (yeah, like a lot has changed since the hospital - still spending time in bed watching TV... except now I can't order my food - I have to get up and get it). Blah.

This week has hurt a lot for many different reasons, but I've also learned some very important things. I have learned how I like to be. I have remembered that I like to be the one doing the helping, not the one that needs all this help. But when I need the help - I know who has my back 100%. I have learned how much people - even strangers - can care. I have learned exactly why I write this blog. I write this blog because somewhere out there is a person who is depressed, or who has CF, or is diabetic, has been victimized, or just feels sad, and somehow my blog will hopefully help them. Maybe it will inspire someone to express him or herself in a healthy way - or at best help them see what therapy and medication has allowed me to become. And when I work through this depression I will be who I was again, but wiser and with more to give. I have learned that although the depression meds aren't yet helping much, it doesn't mean I have to fall to pieces and hide. I am stro...

I'm eating goldfish crackers and peanut butter - it has become my staple meal. I just don't feel like eating anything else and I know I'm losing weight and they are going to yell like crazy at me at the hospital - hopefully the words "feeding tube" will not come up because I am not that thin yet. I know I guy who is 38 (I thought he was my age, whoops!) who has CF, and to the best of my knowledge doesn't have a feeding tube. Okay I didn't word that right - he is the skinniest person I know - which doesn't help lung function - it hurts it, and he doesn't have a feeding tube. So hopefully they won't threaten me with one yet. Goldfish and peanut butter. There is something comforting in them - maybe because my mom used to feed them to me all the time when I was a little kid. Today has sucked. Royally. I went to dance practice, and there weren't many people there and Coach asked if my boyfriend was going to show up. And I looked at him l...

It's a bad day - and it's only 12:06. I've been up since 10. Today I'm depressed and don't want to go anywhere or do anything but lay in bed and sleep or watch TV. At least I have the energy to watch TV. I have these hopeless feelings again. I can't make them go away. Just when I think my med is working I get these feelings again. My brain is sick and it has taken all of me with it. I have to go to dance practice. You have no idea how badly I want to stay home. I want to curl up and not deal with anyone for at least a couple days. I also don't want to go to the dance this evening because the people who keep me going and are my solid pillars won't be there. I won't have any pillars to lean on and it's scaring the crap out of me. Somewhere around here is a piece I wrote after the last funeral I went to. I was working the table at the dance and I wrote it. Now if I could just find it, I would type it up and post it here. I found it, so her...

So this Great Strides thing always picks me up every year - it reminds me that people care, blah blah blah, but THIS year. THIS year I feel LOVED. Very very loved by my dance family. My dance family - they are family to me, the people I am closest to and see most often in this town. So, one of the members of this dance family convinced the UWMBDA council (which I'm a member of, I just can't make the meetings b/c they are scheduled on Sundays between 2-4 and my nurse comes then) to hold a benefit for CF. They did this without me knowing and yesterday Brent surprised me. It's honestly the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. It's not that hard since we have weekly dances anyways, and they just decided to donate the proceeds from one of the dances to CF - and now I'm working on getting things to raffle off. Gift certificates and the like. It's that someone thought to do this for me... I feel so loved. I found this out, and then right away had to leave ...

On this brilliantly lovely day I have been reading dooce.com (linked on the left...), and this was written by Heather Armstrong (a Goddess among writers) on her blog: "For quite awhile during Leta’s first few months, I wasn’t sure what I would be coming home to at the end of a work day. The summer of 2004 was pretty bad, and I tried to be positive and upbeat, but ultimately I learned I couldn’t fix her. I think this is the biggest male-who-is-a-significant-other delusion; that we can somehow fix it. Learning this is fundamental to dealing with a person who suffers from a mental illness. I had to learn to accept and support. This was difficult and something I’m still working on." It's what her husband said in an interview several years ago, and it really hit home with me because I had a conversation with Boy where he said he "can't fix me." And I pretty much yelled at him, "I never asked you to." Because it really pisses me off when people think th...