Sunday, August 31, 2008

Keeping My Shit Together

So far, so good :-)

...I'm proud of me. I've been organizing my stuff. I've been brushing my teeth. I've been doing my treatments. I've been having tons of fun. I'm really happy.

Friday, August 29, 2008

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

CHRIS got a job offer!!!

...I plan on linking his name to Chris and Kyra's blog... but first I need to search my email and find the link again. Really need to update things around here.

But Chris and Kyra are staying in town!!! LOVES IT!!! I'll get to be a full-time honorary aunt! (And not to mention spend all that time with two of the greatest people in the world!)

Congratulations to Chris and Kyra and Baby!

And yes, congratulations to me because I'm really excited about this! I'm probably never going to get to have kids of my own, and my brother hates kids so I probably will never be a blood relation Aunt. I guess I could be an Aunt by marriage maybe someday if I ever find someone marriage-worthy, but the point is I love kids and I want to be around them all the time. I want to be a mother - but I'm just as excited about being an honorary Aunt :-)

I want the special bond you have with kids when you're around them all the time - yes the babysitter relationship is great if you see the kids all the time, but it's not like family. Kids don't usually cry for their babysitter - they cry for family.

Congratulations!!!

Oh The Brother

Why the HELL does it take my brother more than an HOUR to shower... he's been in there for more than an hour - I've watched all the TV I had on my DVR, and he's still not done. I can shower in 10 minutes, towel dry my hair (which is INFINITELY longer than his) and be done. 15 minutes MAYBE if I have to shave my legs - it's still much closer to 10. If I do my makeup and hair for a special occasion it will take me 1/2 an hour. That's it. I have makeup and hair curling and it will take me at MAXIMUM 1/2 hour. This is ridiculous. Stupid boys.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Update on Moving Away

I'm feeling better about people moving away/not moving away. It looks like Chris will probably get a job here - not going to jinx things - so I hope they will be staying in town. I want to live close to my honorary nephew!

I was pretty much freaking out that night... and now I've realized how many of my friends are still here - and tonight I made some new friends that could turn out to be really good friends - and they are fairly settled here, so I'm not worried. Tonight assured me that somehow if everyone moves away I will just keep in touch and make new friends here. Where ever there are people I am bound to make new friends.

To quote a cheesy Girl Scout song "Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold."

I always wondered why the new friends couldn't be gold too. Dumb Girl Scout Song.

Thoughts from an Insomniac

Facebook is funny - I just looked through my 500+ friends (yes I know that is RIDICULOUS, but they are there), and then I looked through all the people that came up for my high school in a search (why, I don't know - I was bored). I noticed oh, like ONE person who had un-friended me and it very nearly bothered me.

The fact that someone I hate un-friended me bugs me, though - This guy I'm talking about actually blocked me on Facebook! Can you believe that? Someone would block ME? It's good to know that I'm as big of a pain in his ass as he is in mine. At least I'm not predatory.

The fact that my dance partner from last semester un-friended me bugs me. Douche bag. I think it's probably because he's friends with the dick wad who blocked me. Well, as long as Dick Wad calls Douche Bag in the middle of the night when he's suicidal and drunk, I don't care. As long as he no longer calls ME.

After searching through all the people who ever went to my high school I only found one more that I would enjoy being Facebook friends with. Whether she even remembers me or would want to be my Facebook friend is debatable.

Aw... I've been blocked for the first time on Facebook. Good for me.

Aw... the late-night CRAZY BITCH email. I hope I get a response so I can blog about it. I think I start half my battles so I can blog about them. Good for me.

Okay - now looking for publishers until I crash. Hell I may not even sleep until I go to the doc this morning. Good for me. I'm going to royally fuck up my sleep schedule. Hell, I may even try not sleeping for a few days and see what happens. Woot. I'll let you know.

WHAT IS WRONG??? I SHOULD WANT TO SLEEP!

Insomnia

Insomnia of the worst kind. This is the "Jump out of bed you have so much to do!" insomnia. Not the, "Man I'm tired but I just can't fall asleep" insomnia. Then, at least I am content to stay in my bed eating Popsicles until my blood sugar is high enough that I fall asleep (don't worry, it's not really dangerous, just not good in the long-run).

This is the "why don't I get out of bed and use those dorm decorations I made like two years ago to decorate the back of my bedroom door, because that's a GOOD idea for 2 am!" This is the "Let's finish cleaning that mess in the living room that was the contents of THAT desk - and then move on to the front closet - and remember to move all the stuff from your CURRENT desk to the family room to sort THAT stuff - especially the stuff on top of the desk - because I want to get rid of that. OH, and how about cutting apart magazines to finish the back of the bedroom door project? That sounds like a good project for 2am."

How do I turn my brain off now that it's back on?

I've been dormant for most of the summer - rotting my brain on television and movies - and usually falling asleep during the movies. My brain now is screaming "YOU FEEL HEALTHY! LET'S GET OUT OF BED AND DOOOOO SOMETHING!" So I'm out of bed doing stuff...

I have to be up at 6am... right. I'll probably crash around 4am and be SOOO screwed tomorrow. It's okay, I think. I can sleep the rest of the morning and still get things done in the afternoon. Good plan.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Project Get My Shit Together Day 1

I got my shit together. It's official. I ordered meds, I picked them up, I poured my meds. I did my treatments, I brushed my teeth, I cleaned out the desk in the living room (well started... looks like the front room of my house is a two-day project). And as a reward I went to my friend Tracy's Lia Sophia party tonight. Spent too much on jewelry, but I've decided to get rid of all my non Lia earrings because I'm so damn allergic to them. I'll keep the special ones - like the ones I bought in Hawai'i, but other than that my earrings are gone. If you'd like some craptacular used earrings let me know!

I'm proud that I've got my shit together (well for today). Now this will be Project: Maintaining Put Together Shit. Please submit better names if you have one.

I'm so glad I went to Tracy's tonight - I met some great people, some great opportunities and have already been invited to a Girls' Weekend!

I got some really amazing compliments from Tracy - mostly about how I handle my CF and myself in general, and it just made me feel great. I'm glad that I am becoming the person I want to be - if I'm not mostly there already.

Tomorrow I'm going on a QUEST. A QUEST to look for publishers. I'm diving in the deep end blind here - and I mostly know DON'Ts of the publishing world, but I may go ahead and commit a few of them anyways because I really think my book needs to be finished. I really need to get my message out there.

Life is Fun!

I need to go to bed - Dr. Appointment at an unholy hour tomorrow morning.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My New Life

I've decided to start over. Right now. From now on I'm doing things right. I am healthy right now and I really want it to stay that way as long as possible. I've decided there are several things I must do daily to maintain this health. These things are (in no particular order):

1. Brush my teeth. I'm hoping my wisdom teeth will come in and I won't have any more infections and I won't have to have them out before January, if at all. I know brushing your teeth daily doesn't sound that hard, but sometimes it is. Sometimes I just hang out in my PJs for hours and then I forget when I get dressed. Sometimes I'm too lazy. Sometimes I'm too sick. Sometimes I'm too sad. I'm not chicken to admit that sometimes I don't brush my teeth every day. But from now on I am going to try.

2. Have chest PT and/or Vest daily. Sometimes I skip my vest or chest PT when I am dancing or busy or gone. I am going to try and do my vest or chest PT every day. Dancing is good for my lungs, but it's not an excuse not to do my therapy.

3. Do saline daily, instead of weekly. I know doing what I'm supposed to - saline twice a day - is a lofty goal for myself, and honestly I feel it is unnecessary when I am doing well. I have decided that daily saline is still necessary, even if I'm not coughing stuff up. So yes, going to do one saline per day.

4. Write in my journal. Somewhere a couple years ago I drifted away from my private journal. I think I found typing easier than writing, and I just got lazy. It was in this time that my mental health sort of fell apart. I know I cope better when I write in my own journal - the journal where I never censor anything I say. My goal is to write every night before bed so that I will sleep better and have better days.

5. Blog something brilliant. This is more of a weekly goal - I want to write one book-worthy piece a week to start. I need to get back to finishing my book - and hopefully I'll be ready this spring to take a class on book publishing.

6. Organize my house. I know this has been a goal forever - but this summer I was too sick to really work on it. I'm now in prime house-organizing shape and I am determined to get it done and decorated if it kills me! I might keep a photo update going on here of things I get decorated and finished :-).

So those are my goals. My lame, sort of ridiculous goals that I must achieve if I want to stay healthy mentally and physically. Maybe I'll give a daily update on how my goals are going.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Congrats!

Congrats to Chris and Kyra! They finished their parenting class this evening and got a certificate! Aren't they supposed to give you a kid when you finish? ;-)

Good to know you two are now certified to take care of your baby! (We knew you'd make amazing parents - but now we have proof in certificate form!!!)

Wheelchair In Bejing

Apparently, if you are in a wheelchair in Bejing, you are allowed to get out of said wheelchair to climb a London bus - don't ask me, ask the IOC. I didn't expect the token disabled person to become UN-disabled only to climb a BUS.

WAY TO GO, IOC.

It also reminded me of that time, on the Air France plane when Dad and I rocked out to the Stones while everyone else tried to sleep. When asked to quiet down by my brother, Dad goes, "BUT IT'S THE STONES!!!"

Why Darin Entertains Me

Conversation between my family:

Me: Someone farted.
Mom & Darin: Not me.
Me: Someone is lying and it's Darin because he can't keep a straight face.
Darin: Stop making fun of me because I'm gay.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

That one that said OW

Yes, i was in so much pain all I could post was "Ow."

Now I am in not so much pain (barely any, really!) My surgery went beautifully! That twitter I sent that said, "Om" was supposed to say "OMG I'm awake" - I just suck at texting on my new phone. Yay for my badness.

I'm still really sleepy, and just gave myself a dose of morphine, so I'm going to be sleeping soon.

Chris and Kyra were here tonight - and I got the greatest Thank You card.

I've been wanting to blog about all the little things I had for her baby shower - which reminds me I still need to change the URL link to their blog... whoops. It's on my to do list.

Okay. Now I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Ow.

The Dating Nightmare

Here I am staring at my computer screen past midnight when I really should be sleeping. I am hoping that the typing doesn't wake my mother because in fewer than eight hours I have to be awake and giving myself another dose of IV antibiotics. *le sigh.* One more day and then surgery.

So I was drifting off to sleep and I started to have what I call "The Dating Nightmare." It only happens when I'm falling asleep - and maybe it's because my bedtime meds aren't working fully yet, but it sets off a round of anxiety where I wind up standing in front of the bathroom mirror picking at my skin. Tonight I decided to stop picking and start typing.

Tonight for some reason I was reminded of the last relationship I tried. Maybe ya'll remember it - but for those who don't, it went something like this: Boy is scared to date me. Says he wants a casual relationship because he is scared to date. We date for six days. I say that I would like something more substantial because I need someone I can count on. He says he can't date me because of my CF. He feels he can't handle the emotional pressure. I call him many names, including "emotional wuss," and then six days later he is in a serious relationship with one of my closest friends. Good times.

To me that read: I can't date you seriously because you have something seriously wrong with you.

Over and over and over I am the only one willing to deal with my disease head on. My mother is afraid of it - so is my dad, and I'm left standing by myself to deal with these things. My parents want to help, but their worrying doesn't help. I treasure the extra time I get to spend with my family because of my CF - it has made me closer to all of them, but at the same time I know how much they hate dealing with my disease.

"Boy," as I have called him in this blog, was by no means the first guy to tell me that they were afraid of my CF. So many guys have said, "I'll sleep with you, but I don't really want to date you."

Sometimes I think it's my strong personality that drives them away. Or maybe it's because I'm not pretty or thin or whatever... but I usually don't listen to those comments. They are stupid. There are plenty of ugly people out there in relationships. Hell, I know a few ugly ones who are happily married. MARRIED. I guess ugly is easier to put up with than sick. You don't have to take care of ugly - and if you really want, you don't have to look at ugly either. You can just close your eyes.

It's harder to close your eyes to my CF. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed. There are days when I can't get out of bed. Days when I can't shower. Days when I forget to brush my teeth. I have other priorities - like my 5 doses of IVs and my 4+ other treatments a day. Shit. Brushing my teeth is so far down on that list I can't even see it.

There are days when I am cautious and don't go outside because it's too hot or too cold or I just don't feel like getting up off the couch. And who wants to deal with that? I don't - why would some great guy?

What's so great about someone to hold your hand when you're scared or someone to wash your hair when you don't have the energy or someone to watch a movie with you when you don't have the energy to go dance - and that someone doesn't mind if you fall asleep before the end. What's so great about that? Why would anyone even want that? It's not like it provides security or friendship or someone to count on.

Maybe I'll just take myself out of the dating pool and commit to being a one-woman show. I've never liked swimming anyways.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Venting

I vent a lot about my mom. I vent it here because I need to get it out so I don't go nuts - and if I take it out on her, she'll explode and make my life hell. So that's why I vent.

I know how lucky I am to have my mom here to help me with my IVs - well, I do all the IV stuff (she will change my dressing), but she does the other stuff. The cooking, laundry, etc. That's what my mom does. Plus, she stays up with me sometimes while I do my late night meds, and she's always up when I get up.

She frustrates me and as I like to say, "cramps my style," but that doesn't mean I don't know how much she does for me.

My mom washed my hair tonight so that I could have enough energy to shower. My mom keeps measuring how well I'm doing based on how many hours I'm awake - and she's just so worried when I sleep so much. It's my sinus pain and pressure that cause me to sleep so much - and there's nothing I can do about it until Friday when I have my surgery.

So yes, I do appreciate all my mom does - I just don't like when I'm ornery and worn out and she tries to yell at me. It's silly.

Home IVs

I hate home IVs. I don't get as much rest as I need. It just doesn't work well.

It's not me, because I would rest as much as I need. The problem is my mother. She hates any clutter in my place - and right now it's pretty cluttered from my re-organization project of the summer (which failed miserably. It's now my "Fall-winter project"). She yells at me. She makes me get up and help organize things. She makes me help with the laundry because she's "not my slave."

Note to self: do it all inpatient because you can't handle your fucked up crazy mother.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Blogging

There are so many things I need to write about... and so little time to do so.

<3 Carla

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Quote of the Day

Me: "I don't want any doctors deciding anything about my medical care!!!"

That's right... I was reflecting on past decisions docs have made, and when I got to Dr. Cornwell saying that I would be "fine" without IVs before my sinus surgery, I said that he shouldn't have anything to say about my care... after all, he's only my primary doc.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Quotes From Mom

Mom: "That's what I'd get if I ever get a new one - a Cabrio."

Me: "A Cabrio, why?"

Mom: "I don't remember."

...I thought she was talking about a car, she was talking about a washer and dryer. We're nuts.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Selling Children

My mother and I were talking about "Jon and Kate Plus 8" - and she hates that show. She says that if she had six babies she would sell five of them. I told her that you can't SELL children... it's illegal. And she goes, "Why not? They would be mine!"

So I told her I would Google it.

And this is what I found. CLICK

ENJOY! I sure got a kick out of it... and I'm hoping it's not real.

Pepe a Fake?

I guess Pepe was a fake. Oh well. At least all that bad crap didn't happen to someone. I thought it was weird that they would transplant someone that was on cardiopulmonary bipass... because you have to be healthy enough to be on the list. I have to admit that the writing was good, and they kept us guessing. The site is now down, but go HERE to read about how it was a fake...

People suck. I can't believe that she had thousands of people hoping and praying for her - including myself, and she wasn't even real.

All I can say is, I am real. I would say "you can't make this shit up," but I guess you can.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Look What I Found!

I am watching the Women's Gymnastics All-Around Competition... and trying to stay awake. I was wondering where all my Europe photos went... and I remembered! They are on this computer! My laptop!

So here are a couple photos, because for a long time I've wanted to post a Daily Photo.


My Favorite Graffiti (well, this and that GIANT graffiti that said, "BUSH GO HOME"). This is going to be blown up and hung above my bed. Walk THIS way!!!


After I took this photo I tried to secretly buy my brother a GIANT flag... but he didn't want a giant one, so I'm glad I didn't buy one. He got a little rainbow flag in Munich.


Don't fall down the stairs, dumb ass! Walk down them.


Deer and breasts ahead... or Deer WITH breasts. Either way :-)

Knut was yesterday! ...the next one says "Flocke is here" or something like it. LOVE Nurnberg. And I really want to know why the hell we spell it Nuremberg in English. STUPID.

Pepe

The Friends of Pepe Blog has ended. I'm sad to see it go, because I'm hooked on her story, and these CF stories become my stories. They are what could happen to me - and I want to know how they end. Pepe is very sick and post-transplant a little more than a month. They are recommending a second lung transplant because the pneumonia in her new lungs is just too bad. I want to know what she decides, what she does, and how it turns out. I know that there is a good chance she could die waiting for this second pair of lungs - she was essentially dead when they did the first transplant. I didn't think she'd make it this far... but now I'm deeply saddened that I won't know how our story ends.

This is what I wrote on the last post:

This has already been said by many times, and I'm sure another CFer has already commented, but FOP, we're sad to see you go. Gina, we hope you continue forward and it only gets better from here. I hope if I am ever as sick as you that I will have friends who are kind enough to keep my extended family and friends up-to-date with what is happening in the hospital.

I know when I am in because of my CF I don't always like to have visitors besides my mom. I even hate having the doctors and nurses see me sick - it's just how I am - so I understand the courage it takes to tell the world how really sick you are.

You, Gina, are in my thoughts and prayers. You are the strongest person I have ever witnessed. I wish I could meet you. Here's hoping for a second pair of lungs if you want them - or for peace in whatever you decide.

Lots of love from another hospitalized CFer,
Carla

***

And it's true. I've been so sick here in the hospital this time I haven't wanted to see anyone but Mom. Mom had to give me a shower yesterday - and I just didn't bother today. Yes, my mother has to bathe me I'm so sick... but at least I could get out of bed and sit in the shower while my mom washed me - I didn't have to have her give me a bed bath. So there's that. If there's a good side to your mother having to bathe you at 22, I guess that would be it.

What I've Done in the Hospital

Nothing. Yeppers, I've done nothing.

I'm going home tomorrow - but I'm going to be trying to treat it like I'm in the hospital. So I'm going to try and not go anywhere or do very much, but visitors are always welcome!

I'm addicted to YouTube. William Sledd. Hilarious. My favorite is still the "Ask a Gay Guy: Hair Edition." I watch it over and over. "Merry Bitchmas" is also entertaining.

I know I haven't been writing much - I've been sick for a couple weeks. I was at home, on the couch almost everyday, and then in the evening I would muster my strength and try and go hang out with people. But not much to report.

I'm going home tomorrow! And I'll be back in next week Friday for my surgery - and who knows how long they'll keep me hostage after that! Oh well. Maybe surgery will go really well. :-)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Too Sick To Type

Today is day TWO in the hospital... and I'm too sick to write.

Just a couple notes on what I want to write:

*how I ended up here

*who un-friended me on facebook... funny story, actually. Oh, Stalkbook.

*I shit my pants.

*9th grade forensics - Mom.

*Dr. Little told me to write a book.

*write about surviving the bad days.

*etc.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Doin' Better.

Yes I am doing better. Not sure what was wrong, but today is better.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Best Quote of the Weekend

Sarah Lynn and I were looking through our yearbooks - like we usually do, and I kept coming across photo after photo and saying, "Who is THAT?" Pause. "Oh, it's me."

I didn't recognize my own photos in the yearbook - that's a good thing. I look really sick in the yearbook.

So Damn Sick... But at Least I'm Still Movin'

Reasons I'm happy it's just my sinuses (well, it only feels like my sinuses):

*It's not my lungs.
*I'm only tired (and I did get a shower this evening, which makes me feel better).
*I'm still at my house. I may need my mom to come and help me, but for now I'm at my house and not in the hospital yet.
*I'm in my bed (well... not my bed, I'm still only comfortable sleeping on the den bed or the couch b/c of my fever, but it's a bed at my house).
*I'm not in a hospital bed.
*There are no IVs beeping.
*I'm not on the transplant list.
*I'm not on oxygen.
*I'm not on a ventilator.
*I had an unproductive weekend, but I was able to leave the house by myself, with no O2 and go buy my new cell phone. (P.S. Still can't figure out how the dumb thing works... I hate it.)
*I weigh more than I did in high school.
*They aren't threatening me with a feeding tube.
*I don't have any scary tubes - no chest tubes, no feeding tubes, no NG tubes, no tubes at all.
*I'm not septic (Yes, I am thankful that my blood isn't infected by the MRSA that I grow).
*I can walk.
*I can dance.
*I can go to the grocery store.
*I can shower.

...I think you guys get the point. I'm really thankful that I am only this sick and not any sicker yet.

So Damn Sick

I'm really sick. My sinuses are now so bad I can barely stay awake, let alone get anything accomplished. Honestly, I thought about it, and I think the last time I took a shower was Wednesday evening. Ew. It's Sunday and I just don't have the energy.

I think I'm going to end up in the hospital a lot sooner than I planned... shit.

I'm going to eat something and go back to sleep now.

If you would like to help me, please call the cell phone - I'll probably tell you I'm fine, but really I'm not.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Moving Away

I feel like everyone is planning on moving away... I don't want them to move away. I CAN'T move away... and what will I do without my friends???

This is my last thought of the evening.

I Hate Phones

I loved my Razr... or however they decided to spell it recently. I had gotten used to all the features, I had some fun ringtones (sure, I'd like some more, but I didn't need them). All was good with that phone. I knew my contacts by their ringtone, and I was happy with the speed dial for my 160 something contacts.

Last night I sent a text message (If you got my late night text message, please let me know what you replied - I didn't get it). Then, just as the reply came, the screen went dead. The phone was still on - it was ringing, but I couldn't see the screen. This meant no text reading for Carla. Sooo sad. I went to bed and tried to pretend that my phone would be okay in the morning. It wasn't.

So I had to go through the process of buying an all new phone today. What a pain in the ass. I should have just gotten the newer version of my old phone (even though it was quite a bit more expensive...). This new phone I have is awful. I can't figure anything out. It has a music player - and it confuses the SHIT out of me.

I spent an hour or more downloading new ringtones... and now they are STUCK in the music player and I can't transfer them to the ringtone box.... and this shouldn't have happened. I downloaded the ringtones from AT&T (which I have enjoyed being a customer of thus far - the 1.25 years I've been with them). AT&T asked for the model number of my phone - and I put in the Nokia 6555 - and it still fucked up the downloading.

And of course, customer service is closed until Monday. So are the stores. So this is going to bother me until Monday when hopefully I will get it fixed.

If you know how the hell my Nokia 6555 works, please let me know, because I have read the manual and I STILL am too stupid to work my new phone. God help my mother if she ever had to use it - she can barely use her easy Razor, and this thing SUCKS.

Please Help!!!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Johnnie and June

I was inspired tonight by another blogger's post. She said her favorite new song is "Johnnie and June" ...and it's mine too... I forget who it's by, but I'll look it up later. It's too late tonight for research.

My friends were here this evening for the Olympics (AMAZING ceremony, AMAZING friends, AMAZING time, just love all around). There were only 4 of us total, but it was a great time for me. People I don't usually see - and my favorites.

So we were chatting about people I've dated... and Amelia comments that we have to find me a better guy next time because I've found some real winners and I deserve better (thanks :-) ).

So tonight, here's to wishing for a love like Johnnie and June :-)

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Daily Plus a Lovely Rant.

Where have all the comments gone? Hmmm...

Today I watched way too much "Jon and Kate Plus 8" because I am a weirdo and I record every episode. Right.

I slept a lot and decided not to go have fun or join my friends in their plans b/c the pollen count is so high and my sinuses hate me. Only two more weeks of hating and then I have surgery.

I talked to my Sarah Lynn - I love her more than my luggage. We talked about me essentially losing/getting rid of a friend of mine, and she said it's probably a good decision. At the CF walk Sarah Lynn was really excited to meet this person, but this person was not at all interested in meeting her, or my brother or the other important people I really wanted her to get to know better. Sarah Lynn's BF puts my friends into two groups "Carla's Cool Friends" and "Carla's not so cool friends." Good Guy. I can't wait to see them this weekend!

Like I mentioned, I essentially ended a friendship. I got several opinions on this and made my decision that the friendship was too stressful. This friend gets mad when I'm upset with her... for things like that whole "boy" incident, or not backing me up on dance team stuff after she told me I had her full support. I only had her support to the point where it wouldn't hurt her dancing. She told me I didn't have the right to be upset about the "decisions she made" - like the decision to continue taking lessons with Dakota. I told her I have the right to be upset about whatever the hell I want to be upset about. I can be mad about whatever I want... I'm pretty sure this is a fairly free country despite the Patriot Act.

That's what bothered me. Her telling me what I can and can't be upset about. Bullshit. If you don't think I should be upset about it, well that's your own opinion, but it doesn't mean I have to stop being upset. That, and her claiming I take my anger out on her. People who I have taken my anger out on remember it. They end up walking the five miles back to town in the rain in their soaking clothes. They end up banned from clubs. They end up losing their jobs. They end up losing friends and limbs. Because if I am truly angry and not just upset (they are two different things to me) you will know. If I am upset - the lesser of the two words - I will want to talk it out and get you to understand why I am upset. Usually I would like an apology (I crave them and give them out too often because my mother refuses to ever say "I'm Sorry"). Most importantly, I would like you to note how you pissed me off and try not to do it in the future.

For example, if you ask me if dating a certain guy would upset me and I tell you "Yes, yes it would." Don't tell me the next week that you've been dating since before you asked me the question. 1. Dumb question - why did you bother asking me? 2. I told you it would bother me, where did your logic skills go?

I think you get the point. But if you irk me the wrong way (aka upset or piss me off) enough times, I'll just stop talking to you. I have too many things to worry about to have troublesome friends.


The End.

Two Surgeries

I have to have TWO surgeries now this summer/early fall. Sinuses and Wisdom Teeth. Not sure how all of this is going to go, or how it will affect the dancing. *le sigh*

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my sister Sarah Marie. I know you're always with me. I love you.

Dance Decisions vol. 1

*I will remember the great quote from the wise Winnie the Pooh: "You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

*I will not let a mean man discourage me from being wonderful.

*I will be strong.

*I will be brave and courageous.

*I will conduct myself with grace and poise.

*I will not let grace and poise prevent me from being bouncy and silly because I am all of those.

*I will dance for my lungs, for my friends, for my family, for anyone who loves me.

*I will dance for myself.

*I will dance.

Song Lyrics for my Soul

Here is me describing misc. situations that I've been in recently and the song lyrics I've used to help me.

I love these lyrics. I'm not sure I want to talk about what I associate this with, but maybe you can guess:

"Building a Mystery" by Sarah McLachlan

You woke up screaming aloud
A prayer from your secret god
You feed off our fears
And hold back your tears, oh
Give us a tantrum
And a know it all grin
Just when we need one
When the evening's thin

You're a beautiful
A beautiful fucked up man
You're setting up your
Razor wire shrine

Cause you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully
***

This one, too, is something I may not want to talk about. I listen to this song all the time, and sometimes I just listen and cry. It's August. It has been eight years, Ladybug - how have we survived without you?

This song has a million meanings to me. And sometimes, I know it's me who is in the arms of the Angel - I love my Angels.

"Angel" by Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
***

This reminds me of my mom, and when we fight.

"Loose Lips" by Kimya Dawson

we won't stop until somebody calls the cops
and even then we'll start again and just pretend that
nothing ever happened
***

This reminds me of me. It reminds me of how desperate and depressed I used to be. It reminds me of people who helped me through it. It reminds me of who I am, who I used to be, and who I want to be. It reminds me of what my brother said to me today: "You have five billion friends, what's losing one?" Losing one is a lot when you've only got 5 billion friends. If you love them all equally, losing one is a lot.

"Loose Lips" by Kimya Dawson

so if you wanna burn yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna cut yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna kill yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead
send me an IM, i'll be your friend
***

This reminds me of how my life seems to go sometimes.

"So Nice So Smart" by Kimya Dawson

You’re so nice and you’re so smart
You’re such a good friend I have to break your heart
I’ll tell you that I love you then I’ll tear your world apart
Just pretend I didn’t tear your world apart
***

My songs help me get through my life.

What I Said

Here is what I wrote in an email, and I'm posting it here because I feel so strongly about it:

Yes I am still upset. I feel betrayed. I feel you are supporting him. I feel not saying anything to him is letting his behavior slide and letting him continue to act the way he does - which is not an acceptable way to treat people. That's the whole reason I emailed what he wrote to me to the whole team - I don't believe what he said should ever be said by one human being to another. His words were hurtful and just plain mean. I still doubt myself when I think about what he and Gwen wrote to me - and I don't even want to know what Josh and DeAnna have said. So yes, my friends staying on the team bothers me some - taking privates with Dakota bothers me a lot because anyone who can create that much self-doubt in a person (especially in a person like me who usually doesn't care what others think) should not be tolerated.

Dakota made me doubt my dance abilities when he refused to teach me to the level I had already been taught. He made me uncomfortable on top of that. I stopped taking private lessons and took group lessons - where I learned nothing new. I enjoyed them anyways because I was dancing. I was helping others learn.

I just completely disagree with everything that team is about - I've researched other teams - teams at other universities, to see how they work. It's not like DanceSport. With DS you don't have a prayer of competing unless you take private lessons, which I feel is wrong. You pay dues to be on a competitive team - the team should give you competitive tools so you can compete if you wish. DS doesn't even plan for competitions, except Star of the North, where non-students can compete. Ohio is their main comp - and other teams have chosen to not go to Ohio b/c not everyone can compete there.

Other dance decisions on my part are going to come soon.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Fire Storm

So nothing happened about my last "controversial" post that I was so worried about... but there's a huge shit storm over the one where I'm wondering whether or not to stay friends with someone.

What the hell? I have to have two surgeries in the next month - I'm really not so much up for all this arguing. I can barely stay awake b/c my sinus pressure is so bad.

I WANT THE BULLSHIT TO STOP.

Monday, August 4, 2008

The Third Blog and Things I Didn't Admit Publicly

I am thinking about starting a third blog. It's where I will write about my life if I didn't have CF - or the life I want, or the life I have but would prefer my friends and family don't read about.

I would write things like, "It's 11:35 and I just got home from work, but at least the tips are good."

I could write about things that have happened to me like dealing with the fat man with the little penis. These are just stories I'm not comfortable writing in this blog - my most honest blog (since the other one that exists is a travel blog...).

I'm timid and not quite sure how people would react to true entries like the one I thought of on Sunday.

I'm going to be brave and write what I wanted to write. Here it is,

The Things I Didn't Admit Publicly.

Ray, my 400 pound nurse, was here. He is a special human being, the kind that brags about the 38 guns he owns. And that doesn't include the handguns. He's an Obama basher and girl watcher and surprisingly he seems to care about me the most out of all my nurses. He cares about me the way my therapist cares about me. He cares enough to threaten the lives of those who hurt me. Like my ex - Ray threatened to kill him if he ever broke my heart. I didn't have the heart to tell Ray when we broke up - I was afraid he really might kill my ex. Maybe I should have told him. My therapist said he knows two guys from Chicago who could kneecap someone for me - and while I doubt my therapist actually knows people who would kneecap someone for me, I have no doubt that Ray could find someone to take out my ex. That's just who Ray is.

Ray was here and he was talking about last week's issue of the Isthmus. I have yet to read this article (which I should probably do before I blog about it), but the article according to Ray was an interview with the boy who shot and killed the high school principal last year in Wisconsin. Ray said that the boy said in the interview that he is finally happy. It took him killing the principal for anyone to notice that he was being bullied, and now he has no pain.

I have now read the article, here, I know that Ray was right. It said what Ray said it did. My mother and Ray were going on and on about how horrible it was that they ran the article, but I think it's good. I don't agree what Hainstock did was right in any way - but I know how he feels.
Reading the article, I found many similarities between myself and Hainstock. It's the differences that kept me from killing anyone, though.

When I was in high school I was being tortured. I was being tortured by my own teacher. I was so traumatized that I would sit in his class and fantasize about pushing him down the stairs. In notebook after notebook I drew flip books of stick people falling down stairs and their skulls being crushed into a pool of red ink at the end. There were a couple times I got behind him on the stairwell and it took all the sanity I had left to keep me from shoving him. That, and I knew enough physics to know that the probability of me pushing hard enough to kill him was unlikely.

I still wish he were dead. I want him dead because I don't want anyone else to have to suffer through what he can do.

My ordeal would have improved once I got the courage to talk to someone about it - had that someone listened to me. My guidance counselor didn't believe me. She said I was misreading signals and that he was too nice of a guy to do anything bad. I went to her twice - well, more than that, but twice I told her I was being harassed, and twice she told me I was wrong.

I knew that if a female guidance counselor didn't believe me, there was no way the male administration would believe me. So I became the monster from hell. Everyday I tore through that school mad as a bull. I threw things. I screamed. I kicked things. I beat up freshmen. I threatened people. I blackmailed the teacher. I survived - just barely.

I understand where this kid is coming from. When no one listens to how bad things are for you, you feel completely helpless and alone. I chose to fight one way, sadly, Hainstock chose to fight the way he knew best - which was to kill someone. I know I could have ended up killing someone. I'm surprised with how much anger and rage I had that I didn't kill anyone - my good friend at the time probably would have been my target. Her, or the other friends who didn't listen to me.

It is tragic that all these school shootings have happened because kids were traumatized and bullied - but I understand why. I understand the intense anger behind being tortured and the intense desire to have anyone pay attention to what you are silently crying, silently begging for - help.

I hope this article, while I know the outrage it will cause (if it hasn't already caused much outrage), I hope people LISTEN to this kid, and realize that now he finally feels safe.

For me, I had to graduate high school, move away to college, go through therapy, (nearly die, move home, move back, move home, move back... etc), get on the right drugs for the PTSD, then finally get the bastard fired, flee from my hometown never to return, and now I just hope he's dead.

I like to think that he is dead, because it's the only way I feel safe.

You Don't Have to Fix Me vol. 2

This may be volume three or four of the "You don't have to fix me" series, but let's just call it number two.

The other day I ranted about some friends I've barely seen since I came home from Europe - and I was indicating one person in particular, and she knew it. Today she invited me to dinner on Thursday, and I accepted. Then I read her writings online and she wrote that being my friend felt like a burden.

She said that we don't agree - and I am perfectly happy not agreeing with everyone - and that this last incident was the last straw (um, I guess the last incident would be the me feeling betrayed because I see my friends on the dance team staying with the dance team as betraying me... ).

You know what... this is going to piss her off, but I don't care. This is what she said,

"My friend's birthday was last week. I feel like I have done more, gone to see her at least. But the thing is we are not exactly on the same terms we once were. Our views on certain issues, such as the dance team, depression, boys, etc. don't exactly match anymore. I can't take the pressure, the expectations. It doesn't always feel like a friendship to me anymore, it feels more like a burden most of the time. I love being around her most of the time, I miss her being on the team, and I want to be her friend, but I since this last incident.....I can't handle being blamed for everything. It is too stressful. I hate leaving her out in the cold, and lessening our friendship but I don't know what else to do. Self preservation is all I have left. There comes a time when you just plain figure out that you can't help someone, and your efforts have to stop. "

I really enjoy the part about our views on certain things... I've always had the same views - maybe it is her views that have changed. Yes, my view of the dance team changed MAINLY BECAUSE I GOT KICKED OFF. AND IT WAS A BIG FUCKING DEAL - still is.

I never have asked anyone to "FIX" me. This is ridiculous. I never blamed her for anything - it's her problem if she sees it that way. And about her missing me being on the team... what fucking bullshit. She asked me to push for changes, and I did. Look where it got me. Okay, so maybe I will blame her for that - but she wasn't the only one to ask for the changes, nor was she the one who kicked me off the team. So it's not her fault.

Seriously? This is how you feel? Then why did you invite me to dinner? Why bother?

More importantly, why should I bother?

Purpose

What is mine?

I'm confused about the dancing. I'm discouraged by dating. I'm focused on my home and my health. I know the friends I love to death, and I'm glad to be spending so much time with them.

Other than that, I have nothing to talk about. I feel so boring.

I'm so boring that now it is nap time.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The Dancing

Sometimes I look at my dance bag sitting between my two stools at the counter and I want to put it in the closet. I put things in the closet when I know I'm not going to use them for a while. Things in the closet stay in the closet. What I'm saying is, I've had the urge to hang my dance shoes up for good.

I'm doing pretty good this summer. My lungs are holding on - and I'm hoping they'll make it until the 18th when I plan to start my pre-surgery IVs. Yes, I'm more active because it is summer and I will need something to keep me busy this winter, but why can't it be watching movies and doing projects like I used to do?

I have this feeling that I'm not that good of a dancer, anyways, so I might as well quit while I'm ahead. I also feel like I want quitting to be my decision - a decision not based on my health.

I know that when I went to the one dance I attended this summer I had a ton of fun - I loved dancing again, but I'm so nervous about switching teams and how that team works.

I love the people on the other team, but I had chosen the team I did because of the schedule. If I missed one week because I was sick it wasn't a huge deal. Yes, I was bored a lot of the time and felt that my instructor refused to teach me at the level I could/should be dancing, and I just don't want to start all over for a third time with my dancing.

When I danced in Milwaukee I finished the Bronze syllabus. My instructor here refused to teach me at a Silver level - he taught me basics and threw in a couple silver moves so that I wouldn't complain. I stopped taking private lessons. Now when I switch teams I'm going to start all over with the Bronze syllabus because I don't feel comfortable that I remember it all well enough to jump into Silver. I've forgotten some of the stuff, and I just don't know what to do.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm not nervous about switching teams. I'm still upset that I have to switch - I'm upset that I did all that work only to get kicked off the team. I'm upset that no one felt that it was bad enough to quit the team. I'm upset because I feel betrayed. For the most part I have moved on, but it still hurts and sometimes I want to hang up my dance shoes for good.

Pet Peeves of the Day

1. the ridiculous CD player in my bathroom - a. it exists, and I can't live without it. b. I once dropped it (b/c I took it to a dancesport practice... don't be bitter, Carla, don't be bitter) and now it has two volumes - off and max. It's a little annoying. I could just buy a new one, but that would require going to a store and I would spend more than I planned. I always do.

2. this annoying flu. And the annoying tooth. Right, I had the infection in my tooth, which is healing nicely (I can now close my mouth), and then I got the flu. Same day. It was fun. I still have the flu thing, and because of it I can't go to a party I really wanted to attend. Plus showering took all my energy. Go away, showering.

3. i've been so sick my mom had to come stay with me. end of story. She didn't call me on my birthday - she called me the day after and didn't mention the birthday, or the fact that we weren't speaking - she just pretended nothing happened. And this is how things always go. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt.

4. people - I thought I had made a couple really, really good friends last semester, but since Europe I've seen them, oh, once. Oh no, maybe twice. I guess a third time if you count the dance. Whatever. Maybe my being upset over the dance team thing screwed that up, and if that's the reason, well then it's probably not worth being around them. (this is getting long... I need to make another entry about this)

5. i'm tired of being tired.

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