Wednesday, October 29, 2008

In Search of Perfect Hair

I'm not a big fan of my current haircut. Maybe it will be good when it grows some, but right now I don't like it. I want to be able to let it air dry, but right now it only looks good when I blow-dry it and curl it. And those are two steps I don't care to perform. So these are a few old photos of me where I like my hair...



And how do I make it look like this again???

Why Do I Watch this Crap

I watch a lot of TV. I may as well just say "I breathe a lot of air," because that's about how much TV I watch. I watch the dumbest shows, and have found some shows I really enjoy.

But today, I'm going to comment on "The Office." Yes, I am only on episode 3 of the first season, but so far, I hate it. It's not funny. At all. To explain me a little, I don't like "Family Guy" or "The Simpsons," but they are tolerable and occasionally make me laugh. So far, "The Office" has yet to make me laugh.

Will someone explain to me why this is funny??? Please? I just don't get it. Everyone loves it - and so far, I just hate it.

I like horrible, horrible television, but I just can't get into "The Office."

Gimme my "John and Kate Plus Eight," and re-runs of "Mad About You." I'll skip "The Office."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Things I've Done

Today is an organizing day. I'm going to keep track of what I've done.

*Put away IV stuff
*Found REALLY large needle/syringe hehe hehe.
*Organized more craft stuff.
*Cleaned out some of stuff in Dining room/Living room
*Put yarn in new place
*Put away some photos
*Sorted stuff from Europe
*Put away most things in the dining room
*Very nearly got the entire Living room/Dining room done :-)\
*Put together a little Nativity merry-go-round thing (btw, it has TWO Marys... more about that later)
*Took a shower
*Did lots of other little things that I can't remember now
*Made dinner (frozen pizza, but hey, it's better than Lucky Charms for every meal)
*Did a little dusting

Monday, October 27, 2008

Pumpkin-licious!

Chris B. made Mickey!!! :-D


My non-Traditionally colored, traditionally carved pumpkin


I <3 Sarah's pumpkin - bottom right.

Things From Mom

The other day my mother told me that women can get cancer from uncircumcised males.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Today's Lessons

Okay kids, here is what we learned today:

* "There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time." -Avenue Q

* I need to decide my purpose and then only talk about that when I meet people - I sound like an idiot trying to avoid talking about my CF.

* "You can dance if you want to." -Safety Dance

* Three ex-boyfriends in one room is never good. If you're there too, it could be hazardous to your health.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Proud Aunt



This proud Aunt just can't resist posting a new photo of her nephew - the most adorable baby EVER. I love you Luca.
Love,
Auntie Carla

Queen of Needles

Dear World,
I got a tattoo. I thought you might like to know. It's not a big deal. I just decided this past weekend that it was time and I needed to do this. I know the exact second I decided. I woke up on Tuesday and knew that was the day. I wasn't scared at all.

I guess you could call me the Queen of Needles this week - I got a tattoo (which didn't hurt, it's sore now, but doesn't hurt), I got my 2nd Lupron shot (in my ass), got my flu shot (which makes my arm sore), and got my port flushed. And of course I gave myself my insulin shots. All I needed was to have some blood drawn, and this week would be completely filled with needles.

Of all the needles, the only one that hurt at all was my port flush. But imagine someone shoving a large 3/4 inch needle straight into your chest. It's going to hurt a little. After the initial stick, it's no big deal - and I'm used to it.

This should be my only tattoo until they find a cure for CF - then I will get a purple rose for having survived it.

So here's today's photo, my tattoo.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Worst Part

The worst part of having CF is hands down shitting my pants. I feel this is a real issue, and I can't be the only one that this happens to. Maybe I'm the only one to admit that, yes, I still shit my pants and I am 22-years-old.

It's unexpected, on days when I feel fine. It may feel like a small fart and then OH SHIT, I CRAPPED MY PANTS. It's not real poop - it's oil that's left over from digestion. Basically undigested fat in a really yellow/orange state. BEAUTIFUL.

And it's hard to get out of clothing.

When I was in middle school there was an SNL skit - one of their commercial things - for a product called "Oops I crapped my pants," and I think of that every time I crap mine.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Radical Ideology

I voted today. I thought this kind of fit.

Things I Have Successfully Done Today

I am keeping a list of all the good things I do today. Maybe this will be a trend, and I'll keep a list every day until I don't need it anymore (this is my 2nd attempt to get things straight in my life. They are better, but not perfect. I'm picking again - which needs to stop, so hopefully a list of things I did will help that. I need to get my place finished. I don't care if it kills me, it WILL get done. Maybe I'll ask Mom and Dad for money for early Christmas so that I can get photos from Europe printed.)

Anyways.... Here is my list:

-Brushed teeth :-)
-Went to OB. Got Lupron and FLU shots. (Flu shot is DONE).
-Saw Dr. Martin.
-I VOTED!!! Go and vote people, seriously.
-Picked up all the paper that was on the floor of the den (still needs to be sorted - but it's at least in a bag with other paper I need to sort)
-Re-organized the guest bathroom. Under the sink is neat and the way I want it. :-)
-Emptied the Buffet so I can put IV stuff in it.
-Put away craft stuff into the sideboard.

...Maybe this list will grow... but maybe not. I babysit this evening.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Halloween!


I love fall - leaves, pumpkins, little kids dressed up in costume, big kids dressed up in costume, etc. I carved this pumpkin this past weekend while in Milwaukee. I still want to write all about that weekend, I just haven't had time.

Therapy Boot-Camp

Is there a place I could go where I'm in therapy for a week straight? They force me to get out all my issues and work through them in one week, and then I'm better - like, almost normal except for all those psych meds I'm on.

I think they need to make a place like that. I think they have one - it's called a mental institution, and I'm not that crazy, yet.

Shopping Habbits

Today I bought soap. I thought I might need some special kind of soap, so I bought a container at the store. I also bought Lucky Charms, my favorite eyeshadow color, and some other miscellaneous groceries, but I am going to focus on the soap.

I bring this soap home - a bottle of liquid hand soap - and walk into the bathroom to set it on the counter, where hand soap belongs. There I find a bottle of hand soap - about 3/4 gone. I think, "good, you actually needed soap. Good purchase." I go to the kitchen sink and find two nearly empty containers of soap, so I throw them out. I replace them with the partial bottle from the guest bath. I go to my bath and find the full bottle I recently placed there and I think all is right with the world because I restocked my soap at just the right time.

Later, I go to find more paper towels, and there under the sink in the guest bathroom, underneath several very large packages of toilet paper I find four unopened bottles of hand soap.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty!


I got my hair cut today. And my eyebrows waxed. All spiffed up :-)

My weekend was wonderful - and you can tell because I am too tired to type anything about it. So enjoy this flower photo instead.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

I really want to sleep because I have to get up in the morning. I have a fun day planned for tomorrow and the next day - and they will be full days. I want to be at my best. I need to get sleep. But instead of sleeping I am up typing because I found myself hurting myself as I was trying to fall asleep. I was thinking about the things that are bothering me and I was clawing at my back. Physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. I know how to deal with physical pain - it's the emotional stuff that really gets to me. I hate that I'm still awake.

I keep thinking about one thing over and over and it's driving me nuts. I'm thinking "what's so special about her?" and "what's so wrong with me?"

I don't get it.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Today

Can we forget today? Well... it was fine until I started thinking about things. The part where I ate Lucky Charms and watched "Criminal Minds" was fine. The part where I talked to Sarah Lynn was great! The pouring my meds was okay, seeing my Dad - wonderful! Visiting Chris, Kyra and Luca was unbelievable as always - I love all of them so much. There's nothing like the smell of a baby - and holding such a little guy is beyond words. I can't even describe how it feels. It feels warm - that's the closest I can get. And games night was fun.

It was the thinking about things that made me upset. The thinking about why I am the way I am and how I don't want to be different - but I would like some things around me to be different. I don't want to talk about it, so instead here is a cute photo:


Isn't he the most precious little thing, EVER????

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I Haz A Nephew!!!

Do I have a nephew, or an angel???
October 14, 2008

Luca Theodore born to Kyra and Chris.

10 lbs 11oz. What a BIG boy!
22 in.

He was delivered via c-section because he was stuck and too big to be delivered vaginally.

I'm too tired to write more about it today - more pics later, too.

I Can't Say Much

Well, I can update you about my day as far as Chris and Kyra have updated. I will not say anything else about today. A lot has happened but their blog has not been updated since around 4pm.

This morning I woke up to a phone call from Chris. They were already in the hospital, and I have no idea what time it was. I know that I went back to sleep and Chris called me again later with an update - and I was still asleep, this time trying to get rid of a migraine. I eventually got up and had breakfast and then wandered to the hospital.

I showed up at the birthing center and Kyra was smiling and not yet in much pain. I watched some TV with them, and for details you can read their blog. I had an appointment to go to, so I left, went to my appointment, came back to pick up Chris' keys, went to their apartment, and came back.

Since then I have been on my feet. It's been a long day. Last Chris updated, she was fully dialated, and ready to push. I can't say anymore until he's had a chance to update.

I have a lot to say about the experience - but I'm not going to say anything else tonight. I need sleep, and eventually I will be back here to visit tomorrow.

Goodnight!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Ugly Shoe of the Day

So, I decided I want to ignore my life right now... I may post a brief list of why I don't want to think about things, but other than that, I don't want to talk about it tonight.

So here is my wittyness for the day. I was browsing through thousands of pairs of shoes online because just looking at shoes makes me happier (I have a problem, yes, I know). And I found some of the worlds UGLIEST shoes.

For your enjoyment, here they are:

Pair One:

The Gladiator from Hell



Who the hell would wear this??? Seriously, would you wear this with your favorite pair of jeans? I think it would be a waste of time to put on if it's going to be covered up, but then again, this should be covered up. No, it should just never be worn.

Pair Two:
Baked to a Crisp

It looks like a pair of shoes those really over-tanned women would wear. You see them on the beach, in high heels, and they look like their entire body has been reupholstered in leather? Yeah, them. These shoes are for those women. The Tan-orexics

Pair Three:
No Need To Say Nothin' Cowgirl



I think these boots scream enough for themselves.

And now... the MY PRECIOUS section. (AKA, the I Think I Need Them, And Why)

I think I need THESE because they would match my umbrella! I've been looking for a pair of wellies... and so far I like these best. I like PINK! And ROSES! And anything that comes in Euro Sizes...



And then there are some dance shoes that are DROOL WORTHY:

The List of Things I Don't Want to Think About

* My mother. I don't want to have to think about dealing with her, or avoiding her, or the fact that she will continue to do the same bullshit over and over and I will never escape.

*My friends - or the story of why I always feel awkward. I never feel like I can talk about everything because I'm screwed up and don't want to bring the conversation down.

*The pain. I don't want to think that in two more months I have to try different things to see if they help the pain.

*The muscle pain. The fact that my back is killing me. Let's ignore that.

*The picking. Let's not talk about how I'm picking again and I'm over stressed and feel like I've lost control.

*The cleaning. My house is a little cleaner. My bed is made. My bathroom is clean. I did a little dusting. But there is so much more to do. The sorting and the organizing and the crap that causes muscle pain.

*The dancing. Let's not talk about how I can't, and how I have no idea when I'll be able to again.

*The strange lesions that have returned. FUCK YOU, LESIONS, FUCK YOU. Something I should probably see a doctor for, but I'm boycotting doctors - except for my therapist. Because I clearly need a week in therapy boot-camp.

*Feeling like I don't belong anywhere.

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

Hello! I thought I would take this opportunity given by your late arrival to write you a little note to welcome you to the world. Think of me as your tour guide. I'll tell you what you need to know. I am your Auntie Carla - technically no relation, but I care about your Mommy and Daddy very much.

It's almost time for your arrival, and I know that your Mommy and Daddy couldn't be more excited! Your bed is all ready, the bathtub is ready and Mommy and Daddy have had their hospital bags packed for weeks! Lots of people have spent a long time waiting for you - and you seem to want to wait even longer! I promise you'll have a great time once you get here!

First you will meet two people who just can't describe how happy they are that you are going to be a part of their lives. To you they are Mommy and Daddy, but to me they are Kyra and Chris. They are two of my very best friends, and I consider them family.

I will let Mommy and Daddy someday tell you the story of how they met, how they started dating, and how they got married, but I want to tell you I know your Mommy and Daddy love each other very much. Individually your parents are both wonderful people - two of the best people on the planet - and so their marriage was a wonderful event to witness. You should have seen your Mommy on her wedding day - she absolutely glowed. Your Daddy stood so proudly waiting for her and you could see exactly how much they love each other.

Your parents are practical people and love to have fun. Mommy and Daddy are already planning your first Halloween and your first Christmas! You have lots to look forward to!

Not only to you have your Mommy and Daddy who love you very much already, but their family and friends can't wait to meet you! Mommy and Daddy love to dance, and have lots of friends from dance who helped throw a baby shower so that Mommy and Daddy can have many books to read to you. You also have some pretty neat grandparents who are very excited! You have aunts, uncles, cousins and other relatives who also want to meet you and be a part of your life!

I know everyone who is waiting to meet you hopes you grow up healthy and happy. We want to watch you grow and work towards goals big and small. We can't wait to see what you look like, watch your personality develop, and witness your growth towards adulthood.

This world is an exciting place and I personally can't wait to help you explore it!

Lots of Love,
Auntie Carla

Underwear

So my brother bought a pair of pink boxer-briefs at a store on State Street for $14. I thought this was an outrageous price, seeing as I can buy "the expensive stuff" at Victoria's Secret and get 5 pairs for $25. I was saying that there is only slightly more fabric to boxer-briefs, and my brother corrected me, saying that guys need extra padding in the front so the underwear doesn't wear out as fast. Our conversation concluded with this:

Me: Guys have extra padding in the crotch so your penis doesn't wear through the fabric faster? I thought it was because guys are too lazy to wipe themselves, so they need the extra padding so that urine doesn't get on their pants.

Darin: Potato, Potato.
(damn, they are spelled the same).

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Lung Friends... From Lindsey

The Things In My Lungs (I've found these critters before, but never blogged them... Thanks to Lindsey for the idea :-) )

Meet MRSA. (I guess having a cape makes you more powerful in the plushy world)


And Staph.

I think they also need to make psuedemonas. It would go here if they did.

I Take It Back

Whatever I said about Darin, I take back. I have the best brother. :-)

He called me yesterday to tell me he was coming down to help me - after he drove 2 hours to register to vote where our parents live, he drove 2 hours to come to my place, and Sunday he'll drive 2 hours back to school. My family is spread out in a triangle across this state.

Darin cleaned my bathroom and vacuumed the kitchen, and later we will change my sheets and we've done laundry and he's a great, great brother.

I thought he had ditched me... but he found a way to ditch his friend instead. Thanks, Darin.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Photos of Feelings

The pain makes me feel:

Thank you, Wall in Nurnberg.

A House is Not a Home

I have been living with Chris and Kyra this week. Their blog HERE. I like it here, living with Kyra and Chris. I always have someone to talk to. There is someone to do the dishes. I don't have to look at the mess that is my place.

That's the big one. I have been home this week to pour my meds, get a change of clothes, and do a load of laundry. ...the activities listed in yesterday's daily post. Those activities, the ones that I went home to do, totally exhausted me. I'm a mess today. Kyra and I went on our daily walk - Kyra actually went on THREE walks yesterday (That's how desperate we are to get this baby to come!) - but since our walk I have just been exhausted. I took a four hour nap this afternoon, and woke up in lots of pain. My problem is not having enough energy to do what needs to get done - or when I find the energy, I pay dearly for it in the next few days.

The pain - that's an issue I need to write about, but I haven't yet decided if this is the right post to do that in. Well here goes.

I am at a crossroads with the pain. Do I keep fighting to "fix me" or do I give up and accept the fact that I'm always going to be in pain? Do I throw my hands up in the air, shout, "You win!" and plan on being in pain for the rest of my life? I mentioned this already, but I'm just not able to get things done the way I am. Do I accept that fact, and return to watching hour after hour of trashy television and napping all day? Or should I do the things that need to get done and suffer for the next several days?

I'm also at a crossroads in deciding what I need to do for me and deciding how I'm going to live my life. I feel left out. I feel forgotten. I feel unloved. Most of this, is because of the way things are with my family right now.

I want to get along with my mother. I want her to go to therapy and get all better so that she can be my support and my helper when I need her. Because sometimes I just need my mother. She has been there for most everything I have been through - and now I feel like she just doesn't want to deal with it anymore. I feel like my hospital stays have become routine, and therefore I am not protected from the anger. My mother shoots balls of fire when angry, and I am most often the one getting burned. She used to not get mad at me when I was in the hospital - but as my recent surgery proved once and for all, I don't get to use that card anymore.

Now she doesn't even want to listen to me complain about anything. I can understand that listening to your daughter talk about how difficult things are or how horrible she feels could be awful - especially when you can't do anything about it, but I want support. I want someone to listen.

I tried enlisting my dad and brother to be my listeners. It failed hardcore. They are both busy, for one thing, and the other thing is they are both male and hate talking on the phone.

So I feel left out. I feel like I can't count on anyone anymore. I have to distance myself from my mom, and my dad can't come down to help me as often as I would like, and my brother, well I don't know. I ask my dad and brother to come help me on weekends, and they always moan and groan. I know I'm a burden, but if I'm asking for help, it's because I seriously need it. I have stopped asking so often because I don't like being turned down. My brother was supposed to come down and visit me this weekend, and I was really counting on his help.

I feel eternally left out - not just my family, but my friends and even the CF support group now, too. I don't feel normal. I feel there are very few people who accept me for exactly the way I am. Most of my friends accept me when I'm healthy but are confused by me being sick. I feel like I get left out a lot because I'm not in school and I don't have a degree. Sometimes I think it's because I'm more independent, but I think I'm more independent because I'm not as accepted.

I feel left out. The CF group is making a group for only couples - our "couples" group has dissolved into a "whoever is around" group and it's no big deal if you don't have a significant other. I feel at home there, because they all understand. I felt even better when I stopped having to worry about who would attend my CF group meeting with me. Usually I would take a friend and make them feel very uncomfortable in a room full of sick people and the people who love them. But now with the group just for significant others and the CFer, I feel left out. I feel left out because I'm not in a serious committed relationship. BURN. ...because that isn't an issue I have or anything...

I feel I am going to have to give a lot of things up because I just don't know how I can have energy for other things and still take care of my house. My house doesn't feel like a home. I want it to - and I want it to be clean and organized.

Chris and Kyra have a home. Living with Chris and Kyra makes me feel loved. It makes me feel part of a family. I don't know what to do about my family or my house. I guess I'll just have to figure it out and move on.

Where I will get the energy to figure this out, I don't know, but I guess I'll find it somewhere. Just like I always do - I'll figure a way to get through all of this. I'll either fix my pain or learn to live with it. I'll fix things with my family or I'll distance myself from them. I will find a better place. I'll make where ever I am a home.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Fall Into Me

A Little Politics

I try not to talk about politics in my blog... but here are a couple things.

*Sarah Palin is so dumb. We should all be afraid. And unlike one guy I know, I don't think she's "fuckable." Not that being "fuckable" is a good qualification to be vice president. Would you vote for someone just because you want to sleep with them???

This has been beaten to death.... but just being NEXT TO RUSSIA OR CANADA does not make you a foreign policy expert. Jesus Christ.

*During the debate last night, John McCain was wandering... and the look on his face while wandering was the look my 90-year-old grandmother has when she can't remember where she is.

Oh... My... God...

I MET DAVID SEDARIS.


.... I thought seeing him from the mezzanine level was good - and then I MET him.

He puts on an amazing show. I enjoyed every second - and I couldn't believe I was in the same room as him. I tried to keep my cool and say, "Well, it's only David Sedaris," but when he came on stage I started to cry. I was so excited to hear him read.

He did a great question and answer session too - and talked a lot about how he goes about writing.

And then...

I was across the table from Davis Sedaris. My God, my inspiration, the one who makes me want to write a better book. He was across the table from me... signing a book for Kyra and Baby - But I met him, and he spoke to me.

Thanks a million to Chris for driving us there, and for getting into line early so we didn't have to stand forever and so we could also hear the entire Q&A... I'm a little obsessed with the man. And big thanks to Baby for not deciding to come DURING the show - I would have been said if we had to leave in the middle. And thanks to Kyra for being the pregnant lady to compliment this lame chick. And as David said, "This is my show and you can wait your fucking turn!"

David Sedaris, will you be my Will and I can be your Grace? You're so much funnier than my brother, and that place in France ain't so bad either.

Waiting For Baby

The last few days I haven't posted. I'm feeling better, for the most part, and I'm spending most of my time with Chris and Kyra waiting for Baby.

So many contractions, so little Baby. Contractions since Sunday evening and no baby yet. :-(

I've gotten to talk to some really good friends lately, and I've loved spending the time with Chris and Kyra.

I loved babysitting last Saturday evening. Kids always can brighten my day.

I was able to do a load of laundry today, pick up meds at the pharmacy and pour them, and take a shower. I also finished two more of my magazine holders. HooRay for decoupage!!!

That's what's up with me.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

My Daily

Photos I took on the way home while stuck in traffic. The police were blocking streets with flares... so some cool light things happened.





Here is my daily:

* I got to talk to Carls, so I was pretty happy. I hope we can actually get our acts together and go to lunch tomorrow.

* I realized I am just meant to babysit. No matter how I feel, I can always find the energy to take care of kids.

* I want more energy so I can finish organizing my house at a pace that is faster than moving an item or two a week. It's frustrating.

* I want to be all the way better. I need to figure out what to do about the back pain.

* Overall, I'm not too bad. The steroid I'm on for my sinuses and the hormone shot both mess with my mood - so I'm up and down and all over the place. Mostly down. But being around other people helps me forget that.

* I'm completely at a loss about what I should do about my mother. The more I tell people about things that have happened in the past, I realize I have no idea why we have let things continue like this, or how we're going to make it stop.

* It'd be nice to have one really great support person - and I'm talking about the kind of support person my mother can be when she feels like it. A person who will wash my hair when I'm too weak and hold my hand at my bedside, and give me hugs. Those are the three big things I need to get through the really hard times - that, and someone who will clean. Haha.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

My Purpose

I've decided that maybe the dating world is not for me. I think I'd much rather spend my time with little kids. I love kids... and I'm way too tired to describe my evening, so here are a couple photos. ...of course some of my readers will recognize the kids, but I will never name a kid in a blog.



Conquering that ladder

"Let me try!"

Playing Princesses

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Here Comes Great Strides 2009

We have to start thinking about

GREAT STRIDES 2009!!!

It'll be here before you know it!!! So here are some photos from GS 2008 :-)


Bucky says, "What?"


Me and Bucky!


The Camera Trio!


Me and Josie - This is me talking to her about her colors. This the the patented "Carla talks to children" face.


Me and the best WI Director, Tracy :-)

Is it really?

Is it really so bad for me to be so happy on the inside because the team I got kicked off of is drowning?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

My Favorite Emotion

My favorite emotion is love.

...maybe I'll finish this one tomorrow. Maybe I'll just leave it like it is.

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