"Well it's my birthday, too, yea."
It's my 23rd birthday.
Usually, I don't like my birthday. That's not true. I love my birthday. I love celebrating that I have beaten cystic fibrosis for another year. I love celebrating my life. If it were up to me, I'd have a huge blowout EVERY year. Such as it is, I don't celebrate by birthday ON my birthday in the last few years, because my mother refuses to wish me a happy birthday.
It started when I was 17. She canceled my birthday. She didn't cancel a party or something grand we had in the works to celebrate. She canceled the actual day. She didn't speak to me all day and refused to wish me a happy birthday.
And then the next year, when I turned 18, she did it again.
Last year I thought we were good. My parents came down the weekend before my birthday and we went out for a birthday dinner. I'm pretty sure she wished me happy birthday at the dinner - but before they left, she got into a fight with me (because it's not usually accurate to say that WE got into a fight. "she got into a fight with me" is a much better wording). So she had an excuse not to wish me happy birthday on my actual birthday.
This year, I'm not even waiting by the phone. I don't expect my phone to ring with birthday wishes. I actually plan on sleeping most of the day, because I'm tired. I will be babysitting in the evening, which is something I love to do.
If I am awake, you will find me hanging the lovely birthday gifts I got from my friend Janelle. It means rearranging a little, but some rearranging I've been meaning to do for a long time.
Also, I may take my dying Jade plant to a garden center and say, "Please fix it. I am killing the hearty plant." Then I might watch some of the wonderful crap I have recorded on my DVR. I might watch a movie or two. And then I'll probably need a nap.
Hopefully, this is the last year I will hate my birthday. Hopefully next year I will have the confidence to celebrate on my own, no matter what my mother is doing. Hopefully I will find that inner strength.
The other day I was watching the movie, "Alice," and the Chinese medicine man says, "Freedom is frightening feeling." He's correct. I've got some more freedom now, and I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm not quite ready to celebrate my survival on my own yet.
But when I'm ready, we're going to have one hell of a party.
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