Thursday, July 31, 2008

Raging Infection

Raging infection... in my tooth. My lower wisdom tooth is severely infected. We need to get the infection cleared up before they can remove it.

I have to go to the dentist today. I haven't been to the dentist in, oh, about 2.5 years. I moved here and just forgot to find a dentist. Never mind that I'm diabetic and really need to keep up with my dental care. I just hate the dentist.

Wee for a day at the dentist.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Birthday Thoughts

I'm having problems. Problems of the emotional sort. Today sucked. Sucked so bad I went and spent $200 on NOTHING. Well, I bought toilet paper, but that doesn't really count. My goal was to go to the store and buy toilet paper, but I found myself wandering around Target aimlessly adding things to my basket. And that added up to $200 - how did I do that?

I know how I did that. I sat at home mopey about having to sleep so much because of my sinuses, sort of glad that I had no reason to shower today because I had the day off, and then I was thinking about my mother. And oh, the damage that woman has done.

I don't know why, but it has really hit me harder this time. I think I'm figuring out why I do things and a lot of it is Mom. I hate to say that. I hate to be the kid who blames things on her mother, but I can't help it. Mom has screwed me up.

You would be screwed up too if she canceled your 17th and 18th birthdays. Yes, she canceled them. And it's always a toss-up not to see if she will wish me a happy birthday ON my birthday. She got me a cake this year and I was going to tell her how happy I was that she could celebrate my birthday with me - and then she freaked out about a mistake I made with the laundry and then she had to pick apart my soul. I haven't spoken to her since sometime on Sunday - probably before I fell asleep to escape her.

How can she be two completely different people?

I hate my birthday. It reminds me that my mother sees it as one more year closer to my death. I really want to see it as me beating CF for one more year - one more year past when I was supposed to die. Which was 16... which is why I think my mother canceled my 17th and 18th birthdays. She didn't want me to get older. My parents had been told I wouldn't live past 16 -so me turning 17 was awful for her. Me turning 18 meant she lost control over me, and therefore lost control over my disease.

Too bad she had to make me pick up dog shit in the rain on my 18th birthday just because it made her a little sad. Too bad she didn't speak to me except to yell at me on either of those birthdays, and too bad I can't let go of it.

Wanna make any bets to see if she'll call me on my actual birthday. I doubt it. I've decided I'm not speaking to her until she either says Happy Birthday on my actual birthday - or she apologizes. Neither is very likely.

This just hurts so much. I hate my birthday. It's never a good day. Celebrating before or after July 30th usually turns out okay. I had a great time on Saturday with Mom, Dad, Chris and Kyra. Sunday was the day from hell - the day that broke the straw in my back. The day I decided I am so fucking done with her bullshit.

Last year on July 30th my boyfriend broke up with me. Nice guy. It wouldn't be for another couple weeks that I would finally throw the bastard out of my house when he broke up with me for the 2nd time.

I'm really sick of July 30th. They should take the day off the calendar.

My issues with my mom are so deep. I have panic attacks thinking about money - and how she controls me with it. How she can threaten me with my living space and my transportation and taking them away because they belong to her. Oh wait, it is because they do belong to her. I have no power.

I hate my birthday.

YAY!

I found my set of car keys with the whistle on it... turns out I was using a spare set, and my keys were at the bottom of my purse. Oh so silly!

Because I know you were gripping the edge of your seat wondering if I would ever find my whistle.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Good Day, Today

Today was a good day.

Cable was installed - best thing about the updated cable for the updated TV? DVR. That's right. No more commercials EVER! I can sit on the couch like a human couch potato instead of sitting at my computer like a computer chair potato and watch TV... and there will be a little variety to it, because I won't get obsessed with a show and then be determined to watch every episode ever made before I move on to the next show. But I do hate that waiting a whole week for the next episode thing. It's like they think my attention span is that long or something.

So I officially recorded my first DVR stuff today. Yes, I have played with the DVR/TiVO at other people's places, but I have never recorded and then watched something on my own... And the first thing I recorded and then purposely waited until it was over so I could watch it with no commercials? Go ahead... guess what I recorded.

No, I recorded Jeopardy! Because I AM that person. I set it up to record Jeopardy! every day because I like feeling smart and getting answers right - especially when the contestants get them wrong. Like today's final Jeopardy! question.

That was super fun, and maybe it's sad that it is the highlight of my day. Well that, and dropping off Chris and Kyra's leftover pizza. I lead an exciting life, my friends.

The other fun thing I did today was curl my hair. My hair is currently quite long, and I have been letting it air dry and then doing nothing with it (unless you count the occasional pony tail). Today, I heated up my curling iron and did my hair like I used to. It's now what I call "Full-on Pageant Hair," and it's how I went to school every day in high school. My hair had to be perfectly curled and my makeup perfectly done and my clothing perfect before I would leave the house for school. I was a nut-job. I guess it's genetic. But it's curable - through drugs and therapy. I am less of a nut-job than I used to be. But doing "Pageant Hair" was fun for one day. I don't think it's going to be a common thing anymore - it takes too much time.

Today I ran into one of my neighbors (just a little note here, I try to avoid all my neighbors like the plague because I hate the awkward questions about my life. Because my life is boring and no, I am not going to go back to college. I am going to have to live in my parents' dwelling until I either die or get married. And here's to hoping that my future spouse wants to live here and has virtually no belongings because I don't want to move. Or move my stuff). So I don't like talking to the neighbors - but they apparently like talking to me. I have nothing to say and I feel very awkward running into them in the garage while I am trying to go somewhere - or if I'm on my way upstairs, I definitely have my mind made up already about what I want to eat next, and therefore am anxious to get to my home. I hate neighborly chit-chat - mainly because I don't have anything to talk about with them.

Guys are dumb. So this internet dating thing - do you have ANY idea how many times the guys get the details wrong? They will reply to my email, "Okay I'll see you Thursday." And I reply, "Um... we originally said Tuesday. If you'd like to meet Thursday, I think I could do that, but we planned on Tuesday. Are we on the same page?" And the answer is no. Guys are never on the same page. They live in their own little ManLand and who knows what goes on there. A lot of porn, I think, but other than that, I have no idea what goes on in ManLand. All I know that here in the Real World, they can't get their dates, times or locations correct.

Goodnight everyone, and here's hoping your day was as fun as mine.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

List of Today's Complaints

1. I am missing my whistle from my car keys. So mad about it. I blame my mother because I can.

2. My mother is a nut job. Today she said to me, "I'm going to sell this place!" (This place being the home where I live, which unfortunately is in her name. Thank God it's also in my father's name). My father then said, "And then what is she going to do?" and Mom goes, "That's HER problem."

3. My mother is a nut job. So I forgot about clothes I had in the dryer... oh... a week ago or more. My mother discovered them today, and the mildew that was growing on the inside of the dryer (I had run the dryer, but they were mildly damp because they were towels). This sparked the never-ending yelling. Well that, and the fact that something dropped off a pizza I once made in the oven and was burning while we made the quiche for breakfast... oops. So anyways, Mom is screaming at me about the laundry and I go, "Well I'm sorry that when you were my age you did your laundry in a laundromat and had to sit there and couldn't forget about your clothes. I'm sorry I made a mistake." and she goes, "Well I did forget once, and my clothes were stolen." And then continues yelling at me. Nut job.

4. My mother is a nut job and my dad won't have her committed.

5. My mother is a nut job.

6. I have no confidence in my abilities to live on my own because, what? Oh yeah. My mother is a nut job.

Ding Dong The Witch is Gone

My mother left.

We had a nice time last night with Chris and Kyra, but today, all she did is yell at me. I'm going to write more about this later - I'm pretty upset now and don't feel like writing about it.

I was doing so well - I was so proud of myself. I was so happy that she decided to celebrate my birthday this year. I was doing great. And now she smashed it and I have to rebuild my self esteem. I hate this.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Saving My Soul

I have two friends conspiring to save my soul. I know one thinks that if I accept God into my life, I will get better. Good thinking.

I think I have written about this before, but I noticed a post on Facebook about me and it just irked me.

My soul is good. I do my own spiritual thing - what I need to get through my CF and the troubles I have. I take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Some people may not agree with the way I do it, but my way works for me and I'm happy.

I've gotten myself through depression so far - and not to mention all those setbacks like, oh, dropping out of college, not being able to have a job because of my "disability" - I don't really like calling it that, but I guess that's what it is. I have gotten through being on oxygen and thinking I was near the transplant list several times - and I have bounced back and continued to work on all the things I love. I love the CF Foundation, I love babysitting, I love my CF Connections group, I love my friends and my family and I'm so lucky to be able to get to spend so much time with them.

If I had a job - a real job, working 9 to 5 like Dolly, my entire life would be work, treatments, eating, and sleeping. I don't think I'd have the energy to shower, let alone spend quality time with family and friends. I get exhausted quickly, so I like to spend all the energy I have doing things I love. And I've grown to love the resting - the watching TV shows I never thought I would watch. Like Nip/Tuck and Grey's Anatomy. They really aren't as bad as I pretended they were.

I am now out of shows to watch - so if you know a good show, let me know so I can watch it.

Friday, July 25, 2008

CF Contact

Me and Trinity:


What a cutie!
Chest PT on a baby:

The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation discourages any contact among CF patients. Personally, I think this is overreacting at its best. Yes, some precautions need to be taken, but it has been blown totally out of proportion.

I am writing this because the other night at Concert on the Square I held Trinity. Her mom handed her over to me, and we were talking and then she told me that Trinity has CF. I asked if I should take precautions and her mom said that it was okay for me to interact with her - and I feel that as long as the parent says it's okay, it's okay with me. And I did her chest pt - and it was a nice break for the parents. They have three children under three and two of them have CF. They have a 3-year-old with CF, an 18-month-old without, and Trinity, 2-months-old, with CF. If any family needs a break it's this one.

I have always wanted to work with CF kids - and I know how much the CF Foundation would have nothing to do with an adult with CF working with other CFers. I always wanted to be a CF doc and I still have that urge, because I know I could be a better CF doc - at least a better adult CF doc. The pediatric docs are pretty good - but the adult ones. Well, let's not go there.

If there were a pill to magically make me better - I'd go to medical school. Or nursing school. I might get my PhD in nursing and/or social work. I'd like to be a social worker helping CF kids and adults. I just have this urge to help every single person with CF - and it's so hard to get anything "real" done with the CF Foundation. Yes, we raise tons of money and that is good for research, but I feel there is something large missing in terms of helping patients deal with being a CFer.

That's how I feel.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Cell Phones

Today my mother said that there is a study that isn't formally written up yet, but that it is so conclusive that they are going ahead and telling people anyway. It is about cell phones. And my mother says that cell phones cause cancer. So much so that you shouldn't even have yours on. This is what that study said. I haven't read or heard of such study except through my mother, so this may be complete B.S. - I don't know. I'm just writing about what I heard.

I heard that they are saying that you shouldn't let children use cell phones except in absolute emergencies. (Thanks, Pete, for causing someone else's child to have cancer by doing "baby's first cell phone." Just kidding, I think this is B.S.) Now I'm not all for little kids having cell phones - but it does make some sense to have adolescents carry a cell phone - so you can get a hold of your kid, or they can call you.

I like that they say you shouldn't even have your cell phone on because it emits dangerous "things". "Things" was my mother's word, so I'm sure the TV told her something more scientific and she just forgot the word. So what is the point of having a cell phone if it is too dangerous to keep it ON? I say, let me get cancer, then it won't be my CF that kills me. And not dying from my CF in the end is pretty much my entire life goal summed up.

So I'm going to keep my cell phone in the permanent "ON" position.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Not Much Lately

I haven't written much lately - I am aware.

I will get on that, soon-ish, maybe.

Babies

I love babies. I got to hold Trinity (2 months old) tonight at Concert on the Square. I got to hold her and hold her. And I got to do her chest pt - which she slept through.

I want a baby. And a marriage.

It's been a bittersweet day, my friends, a bittersweet day.

I love you, Chris and Kyra. Everything is gonna be okay :-)

Marriage

My mother today asked the life insurance guy what would happen to the policy they hold on me, if I were to get married. I think this is the first time my mother has suggested that I might get married.

Monday, July 21, 2008

IKEA Party

So the IKEA stuff is put together - It won't be in place until my Bday present comes and we set that up, and then the rest of the IKEA stuff can go to its final place.

The only sad thing was that I was trying to put a light bulb in a light I bought, and the light broke. Maybe I or my dad will glue it, but it's tan triste! I was very proud of my mad decorating skills in picking out this light - and then it breaks. The bulb I bought at IKEA is too big - which blows. I was going to buy the little bulb, but I SWORE the display lamp had the bulb I bought. Guess not. I will look online and see if the lamp is available to order online - I hope so.

Other than that, I love the new furniture and am going to have loads of fun putting things away :-)

I'm so sleepy! Goodnight!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

IKEA

I <3 IKEA. Favorite place on EARTH... spent way too much - but it's totally worth it. I am not allowed in a mall for a LONG time.

...but I have a Christmas gift bought. In JULY. AND I'm SOOO happy with the IKEA stuff :-) I'm in love.

Friday, July 18, 2008

No Longer a Bad Day

I'm feeling better- I was just tired and overdosed on bad CF stuff. That end-stage blog stuff is hard to deal with, but I feel it's important. Not only for other CFers, but for the public to see how desperately we need to raise money to help these kids - the kids who may not get a chance to see high school - or even middle school. While high school may not have been my favorite period in my life, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I did some amazing things in high school - some things I think every kid should get to do. I went to Paris with the Marching band, just to name a major priceless thing I did. I played clarinet in Fiddler on the Roof, and piano for the Swing Choir. My mentors from high school are the greatest role models a teenager could have.

I find these CF kids inspiring and I look up to them, even though I am older - but at the same time, I would do anything to trade places with them, even for a little while, so they could be happy and worry-free. So they could experience life without the breathing troubles.

I know I have the severe type of CF, and I'm not always happy with my lung functions, but I can still do so many things - and I am so grateful for that. That's why today is a good day.

Love,
Carla

Bad Day

Today is a bad day so far. Maybe it's because I've done basically nothing. Or maybe it's because I'm having a bad day in terms of depression.

Does anyone know if with depression there are good days and bad days, even when you're on your therapeutic dose of medication? I hope not. I want just good days. I want Sunshine and Lollipops.

Maybe I'm sad because I keep finding new blogs about little kids who have died from CF - at like, age 12. I hate that, but why can't I stop reading? The medical stuff I've found out is maybe too much for me. I'm now trying to digest what end-stage CF looks like, because I've never physically been near a friend who was end-stage. The two friends I've had die in the last year weren't extremely close friends, so I wasn't there near the end.

Now I have read what end-stage looks like, and I know enough to know that it is bad. Very, very bad. And maybe I'm finally scared for me - but even more so, I'm scared for my mother. My mom just called to tell me what they are getting me for my birthday/Christmas... and it's something big I was planning to save up for. I knew it might take me a year or more, but I was going to save for it - and I had mentioned to Mom that I was looking at sizes and asked what size hers was - and then she decided to buy me one. Which I'm happy about - but at the same time I wanted to do it on my own. I wanted to do SOMETHING on my own. The IKEA furniture will be mine - bought all by myself and on my own, so that is good.

I don't know why Mom decided to get me this - besides the fact that it will benefit her too when she is here. Maybe it's her "you're doing really well on your own and getting over the depression" present. She likes to buy things when I'm doing really well and when I'm really, really sick. It's her way of celebrating and coping.

I have read the blogs of moms who have lost their daughters to CF - and I know that the last thing I ever want to do is leave my mom behind. I know my death would hurt her the most, and I don't know if she could recover from it. I know my mom very well, and I don't know that she could handle the grief. I don't want to leave my mom. I always want to be here for her. I love my mom.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Not Fair

Cystic Fibrosis is not fair. It's just not fair. I'm not talking about me, because right now, I am fine. I am not currently suffering from my depression (I say not currently because I firmly believe that it will always be there - and I need the meds to correct the imbalance in my brain. I have gone through things I have written - mostly emails to my father - and I have seen how depressed I have been for more than a year. I talked about giving up, and not wanting to live anymore and not understanding why I was in so much pain). I have CF, but am doing what I am supposed to do to stay as healthy as possible. I will have my sinus surgery in August (the 22nd) and then spend some time in the hospital, which is okay with me. After surgery I will go back to dancing.

Right now I have my pseudo-job (which, again, sorry, but I refuse to talk about it. It's not really a job - but I really can't talk about it) and my friends and my place that I am reorganizing, so I'm good.

But this seven-year-old, Garran, has CF and is so much sicker than I am. He is going through things that I never imagined could happen before transplant. (See previous post where I talk about Gina, or Pepe, a little bit - she shouldn't have to face these things, either.)

It's just not fair. I would rather go through these things for them. I would rather it all be on me - so that no one else has to suffer. No seven-year-old should have to go on the transplant list. Lung transplants on average last about 5-10 years. No seven-year-old should have to deal with that. I've had 22 good years. Put me on the transplant list and let Garran live to at least 20.

This disease is awful - and I've personally learned so much from those two blogs - so much about what could happen to me, what I might have to face, and what I hopefully will never have to go through. I know people who (as far as I know) got transplants before they were so sick their lungs completely gave out. At least I hope that's not what happened to my friends. I would feel like a terrible person if they had been that sick and I didn't know.

My point is Life isn't Fair, and Life with CF is about as unfair as it gets.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Still Doin' Good

I'm home, and actually got some stuff done today. It was too hot and humid for me to go to the Concert on the Square (which normally would have really bummed me out), but I accepted that it's one thing I have to give up to make sure that I stay healthy until my surgery. I have to do it for my health.

I invited people over, but no one came - which is understandable because Concert on the Square is a big deal. So I caught up on some of my TV shows and took a nap, and watched more TV.

This weekend is going to be so busy - I hope I can handle it.

This blog is so boring. I hope you stop reading now for the sake of your own mental health. I'll let you know when I have something good to say.

The end.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

When The Cat's Away

The mice want to play. My phone never rings when I'm at home, but here I am at my parents' place and the thing doesn't stop.

My dad's surgery went well, as did babysitting the dog. I should return home tomorrow. My dad looks like he got punched several times in the eye, but they are pretty sure they got all the cancer.

I poured my meds tonight - all by myself. I haven't read as much as I wanted or worked on one of my projects as much as I wanted - but these are things I can also do at home. One thing I can't do at home is shop at the outlet mall with Mom. We had a great time, and got lots of fun things!

I'm still feeling really good - and can't wait to get home and partake in my GIANT weekend :-)

The newest blog I've been reading is FriendsofPepe.blogspot.com - a girl named Gina has gotten her lungs, and this blog has truly opened my eyes as to how bad it can really get. Go back to the last couple days before she got her lungs - and it's incredible how really sick she was - she should have been dead - and then she finally got her call, and is doing okay, considering how sick she was. Now I can't stop reading and thinking about her.

That's all for tonight.
Carla

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Doin' Good

I feel good!
I knew that I would!
So Good!
So Good!

...Right. I'm doing good. I have kept up with the dishes, and this weekend will do some laundry and pour my meds (under the supervision of my parents, because I probably wouldn't do them unless I was being watched). But the dishes, yes. I have kept up with them. And the showering - I've showered all but one day this week - and it's okay to skip a day every now and then. I'm just proud of the dishes, the watering my plant, and the showering. That in itself is an accomplishment.

Now I need to work on pouring my meds on my own, (I can order and pick them up still - I never failed there), and doing my own laundry. Then we will work on the mess that is my home. I will get this place organized eventually! And someday I will put all my clothes away and clean my place - put all the crap that is lying around away.

I know I'm doing better. And I think it's because I feel like I have a job. I can't go into details about this because, well I can't. But it feels like I have a job, and that makes me feel like a real human being - not just some poser pretending to be human.

And I'm excited to do more dancing this summer - and to do all the fun things I have planned. And I'm excited to dance this fall - possibly with TWO teams! And life is going to be good, now. I'll have my sinus surgery Aug. 22nd, finish my IVs, and then be good until December, hopefully.

Last Friday I went dancing - and the lesson was Salsa en Rueda - which I love. It's like square dancing, but with Salsa, and it is so much fun!

And maybe it's the anti-depressants that make me social and bubbly and not sad and wonderful! I haven't felt this way since I moved into my apartment in 2006 - so two years of feeling awful, and now I feel human again!

I am Human Again!
I am Human Again!

(I doubt you guys will get the 2nd song in this entry... I'd be shocked if you did!)

~Carla

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Go Away

I'm really tired of oh so many people. Including right now my mother - and possibly even my father.

For my birthday, I asked my parents if we could get tickets to see a local production of the Mikado. I'd like to go because I know two people who are in it. I'd like to go with my parents and Sarah Lynn because they have actually heard of Gilbert and Sullivan.

First, my mother was pissed that I was trying to talk to her while she was trying to watch the news - because the weather was on and they'd had some storms up there or something. Then, after I was forbidden to talk, she proceeded to yak about the dog and what was happening on the TV. And when I said that for my BIRTHDAY I would like to go see the Mikado - she moaned, "What day IS your birthday." And then she started to whine about how I "always have something up my sleeve." (Yes, it's called living life, maybe you should try it - you might have fun once in a while). And then she started to shriek that she didn't WANT to see the Mikado...

I love you, too, Mom.

I give up. People are way overrated. Well, certain people are, anyways. I have a feeling there will always be about 5 people who could never get on my bad side - because they are the best people I know. And my CF Group - because they are the wisest people I know, and they get me like no other people do.

I had a CF Group meeting tonight - and I love those people so much. I told them about the dancing - and they got it. The first thing someone said was, "But that's how you stayed healthy!" They get it. Finally someone besides the people this has happened to who gets it - maybe who get it even more than the people who have been there, because this was what I did. That team was my life. And now I just have to start all over.

Starting over is hard.

...and today I spent all day resting/sleeping so that I could go to my meeting tonight because my sinuses hurt so bad. ACK. I'm really tired of all this living I have to do. I need to hire someone to do the living part for me and I'll keep doing the fun things - like, um, concerts on the square, and babysitting, and um, watching movies with friends.

And I'm spent.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Things I Wanted to Say Tonight

I was finally able to hang out with a ton of people this evening. And it was a Twilight Zone experience finding out all these people from three different groups of friends know each other. CRAZY.

Concerts on the Square are my favorite summer activity. You can get so many people together at a time and just sit around and chill and listen to music. And that's what life is about - chilling and listening to music.

But there were some things I was planning on saying or talking about with various different people, and I was too chicken. So here they are:

*Why didn't you stick up for me?

*You're all protective of your friends, but you didn't stick up for me?

*I have a crush on you.

*There is NO WAY in Hell I would support the DanceSport Team in ANY way. After what Dakota did to me and the way no one stood up for me, why would I attend a fundraiser for that team???

*Art on the Square? Please?

*When are we going to IKEA?

*SMACK - That's for being an idiot.

That's all I can remember right now. You might say my brain is a little obsessed with how my friends reacted to me getting kicked off the team... I wasn't here, and I don't know what went on, and *sigh*.

Self-Censorship

If I wrote down everything I thought, this blog would be so much better.

If I included all the crazy things that go on in my life, this blog would be so much better.

But I'm still deciding what is too much to talk about and who I will and will not talk about and the subjects I will and will not talk about. I'd rather not self-censor, but if I just ran my big mouth bad things could happen - like I could get kicked off the dance team. Oh wait, that did happen, and I was being careful not to say anything too horrible.

I need to make this blog more interesting. Maybe I won't censor myself so much... I will write one provocative entry and see what happens.

...but there's somethings I have to be careful about. My mother is worried that I will say something that will get my medicaid taken away (and I've never done anything to warrant the taking-away of the medicaid, that I know of, but those government people are tricky). I worry a little bit about what others will think of me -but at the same time, if you know me well enough, you know that I'll say just about anything in person, so why shouldn't I say just about anything in my blog?

Maybe I'll do it. But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's the one thing I really don't want to do in my blog - because I know how it feels to have my feelings hurt (or my heart torn out by the dance team that I was madly in love with - see, I'm over this, can't you tell?).

So just in case I write something about you - and you'll probably figure out it's you even if I don't use your name - I didn't want to hurt you, even if it hurt. It was a joke.

Still Stinging

I got many responses to my post about dancing. To Jen, yes I would like a part-time job, but I'll lose my health insurance if I work. So yay for that. And I was reminded that this fall I'll have a little person to help take care of - and boy do I love little people! Especially in baby form.

I got an amazing email from an amazing person reminding me that she has been where I am - and she's now one of the best, if not THE BEST dancer I know (who isn't a professional teacher). And I will dance with the other team - I just won't have the administrative stuff I love doing. Maybe I'll enjoy dancing with no administrative junk.

I still feel like no one stood up for me on the team, though. I know they didn't because they'd most likely be sitting right where I am if they had. It just hurts to see really good friends continue to take lessons from him like nothing happened. Like they have no idea the kind of person he is.

I cared so much about the team - it was all I ever did, and I put everything I had into it. So now I have to find something else to put everything into - and so far, cleaning my house/organizing my stuff isn't working as well as I had hoped.

My Poor Broken Little Heart

My heart is broken. I was in love with the DanceSport team, and my heart was stomped on and thrown aside. Not to mention I'm not dancing this summer except for UWMBDA - so I don't have my dancing 3 times a week to get me out of the house - to keep me exercising, to keep me a little more healthy. I didn't just lose some dancing - I lost pretty much my entire life.

I keep having the urge to move in with my parents for the summer because when I'm at their place I'm not reminded as often that my life is over. Every time I am reminded that I am not dancing my heart breaks.

This afternoon I was reminded that the team is still having Tuesday practices - and it broke my heart. I want to be dancing. I want to be with those people. Then later my friend told me that she and another team member are starting private lessons next week - and I almost started to cry. Then she told me two of my other favorite people on the team might join her and the guy, but she didn't know - and I did cry.

When I was kicked off the team (see the wonderful email I received in Europe officially kicking me off the team... it's at the end of this rant) I didn't have any chance to defend myself. I was out of the country. And to begin with - I was representing the ideas of my teammates and addressing their concerns. And I got kicked off for standing up for the people I was elected to represent.

I'm just so crushed. I don't even know how to function. I'm scared to even hang out with members of the team because it hurts so much that they didn't stand up for me when my standing up for them got me kicked off the team. It hurts that they still are okay enough with him to take dance lessons with him - to be in the same room as him. I feel like I've been punched every time anything about DS comes up.

I was just getting to the point where the words Dakota (yeah, that's his name - I could do a whole comedy essay about that man, but I'm not in the mood - and I might get sued for slander, despite the fact it's all true) sent me weren't always ringing in my head. Now the fact that some of my closest friends sided with the team that sent me off as an outcast is burning a place in my brain.

What do I do?

Here's the fantastic surprise I got in my inbox in Europe... and I'm STILL really pissed that I never got to defend myself, I never actually spoke to Dakota, and all he heard was spin and read an email I sent that was essentially harmless - sent in a bit of anger, but nothing horrible. Here's the email:

"Hello Carla,
After reading your correspondence, I refer to that loosely; I would like to say that you are not knowledgeable enough about the team politics or dancing for that matter, to have an informed opinion on team business.
You remind me of the whining, devisive team members of the past that I asked to find a new home! You have shown your true colors of disrespect, and lack of moral fiber and character by going behind my back and creating dissent to anyone who will listen to your self important meanderings.
The fact of the matter is the other teams were formed because they wanted to be in control of their own little click as you are exhibiting. I say God bless you! But I think it's totally laughable that you, as well as they, think they are in a position to tell a professional with 5 National titles and proven credentials as well as buisiness ownerfor over20 years how to better run a team.
Those entities exist only because of my tuteledge!!! How arrogant of you to act as if you can even hold an intelligent conversation about dance or administration of team building. You obviously lack the maturity or even common sense to know that if you have a grievance, you could at least have the intestinal fortitude to talk to me first before spreading your poison.
I wil not address anymore of this nonsense and self important issues you have formulated with past cry babies of other teams. At this time you may find your destiny in dancing elsewhere, and any other of your loyal followers may do the same. I've had too much success in my career to be bothered by people who have issues with authority and want to place blame on others instead of taking responsibilityfor their own laziness!!!!

SHAME ON YOU FOR LISTENING TO THE LIES OF THE 'EXPERTS' INSTEAD OF BEING A WOMAN OF INTEGRITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best of luck to you though, Dakota

In case it's not clear you are no longer welcome in my studio !"

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Friends

So I'm here, and I'm dealing with depression. And in this state I also have a lot of anxiety and fear - not fear of anything I should be afraid of - like serial killers or the boogey man, but irrational fears. Fears like that my friends don't like me since I've been back from Europe.

I know that everyone is busy - and that's fine with me. I just guess I haven't seen everyone enough. I know I've been gone the last two weekends and this coming weekend I have to go home on Sunday or Monday because on Tuesday my dad is having a cancerous thing removed from his eyelid.

When my dad first emailed my brother and told him that he had cancer, my brother replied, "Could you refill my meds." Yeah, my brother is really caring like that. I, on the other hand, have been freaking out. I know my dad has had lots of skin cancer removed - but this is something a little bigger on his eyelid - and they have to do re-constructive surgery to put his eyelid back together. My mother has to drive him around, so I'm going to stay with the dog.

But all this has made me think about a lot of things. Maybe it's the depression that's been making me think.

The one thing that's bothering me most is some of my really great friends went away for the 4th weekend and I wasn't invited. And maybe I'll regret typing that. I probably would have decided to go home anyways - it was Wimbelton and my mom and I always watch the finals together. Plus it was my brother's last weekend before camp - and he'll be gone for 7 weeks. But I wasn't invited, and maybe I'm just making a huge deal out of this - but I've known these people for a long time, and someone who hasn't known them as long was invited. ARG. That shouldn't bother me. I know they read this.

This is the depression talking... I need to stop.

Monday, July 7, 2008

One Old Photo

I have a photo of my parents and me when I was a baby. I have it in 8x10 framed in my bedroom. It's always been framed in my bedroom - ever since I was little.

Two weekends ago we went through all the photos in my parents' basement to look for old photo frames I could have for my redecorating project. We came across a huge by huge copy of the same photo. I had never seen it hanging anywhere, and I didn't even know it existed. And that's strange because when I was young I had a hobby of looking through everything in the basement. Maybe I was looking for treasure - but all I found were family photos and Darin's Legos. For me, the photo a little too large and a little too 80's to hang in my place. I have the 8x10 that will never move - but the huge by huge? It's just too big. The people are almost life-size - and that means the large glasses are almost life-size too.

Why I'm writing about this photo is because my mother pretty much ruined it for me. I have always seen that photo as my parents being happy despite my having CF - my parents taking the opportunity to have family portraits taken, even though I'm sick. Some families with kids with CF don't take photos - in case the child dies. I don't get that, and apparently that's not how my parents saw things either. But when we found the large one, I made a comment about it - and my mom replied, "Your father had been drinking, can you tell?" And no, I had never noticed it before. It took my mom pointing it out for me to really look at the photo.

So I guess my dad was drinking because of the stress of my CF, and my mom was just depressed because of my CF - and they weren't having a good day. Apparently, the only one in the photo having a good day was me - and I was an infant.

I've always felt guilty that my mother became so depressed when they learned I had CF - and maybe it had something to do with the fact that they lost the previous pregnancy in the 7th month, and she (my sister Sarah), also would have had CF had she lived. But now I feel guilty about my dad's drinking. Was he on the road to being an alcoholic before I was born, or was I the trigger? Was I the trigger for all the addictive behavior? Am I the reason the addictive behavior still lingers?

...I need more therapy.

Daily Photo

I've decided to try and post one photo per day.

Here is today's.

Nevermind. I've realized my travel photos are on my laptop, which is just way too hard to get out and transfer photos right now. So maybe tomorrow will start the daily photo thing.

Dating, Dancing, and Depression

Let's talk about these things in reverse order.

I realized I was still depressed. I'm not the type of person who cries very often. I know that I'm having problems when I cry for stupid reasons. We upped my dose of my depression med, and I'm doing much better - so far. I was with my family over the weekend, and that always makes me feel better. We'll have to see how I'm doing by the end of this week to see if the meds are helping.

I have only had to take small naps or no naps and I've been able to get a little done today - like the dishes, and unpacking a little. Hopefully I will be able to continue getting a little done every day - and then someday it will all be done. (insert insane laugh here because it will never be all done because I am so good at making a mess).

I want to dance. I watched all the So You Think You Can Dance I missed while I was in Europe/busy before Europe... and I want to dance like that. I decided that if they get that pill to work (Carla's Drug... see "Big Fucking News" from April 1st to catch up on what that could be)... that maybe I'll become a dancer. I would love to have stamina to just dance and dance and dance. I'm thinking of taking private lessons again for the rest of the summer... or maybe not. Maybe I'll find a Ballet class to enroll in. I'm convinced that I could be En Pointe within weeks - because that's how confident I am.

I want to learn lifts and amazing ballroom tricks - and I want to do jazz spins - the ones where you're on one foot and go round and round and round. I know my turns need work. And I'm always self-conscience about my size when I dance because I am "large" for a ballroom dancer. The guys who know how to do lifts never volunteer to show me how to do one - they never randomly pick me up and show me something fun. They pick up the cute little girls (*ahem* Sarah, Lena, Alison... etc). I guess I'm just not cute enough or not little enough. Who knows which one it is. I'm guessing the little one because...

The internet dating has been a fairly positive experience. I like being "not Carla" - yes I have a different name I use for dating online. We don't want any crazy stalking experiences. And that version of me is apparently still in school or going back to school - to be a ChemE. Imagine that! I enjoy pretending to be normal. It's really opening my eyes to what is wrong with my other dating life. Not that my online dating life has been all magic. I don't think it's been any magic at all besides being told how wonderful I am...

First, let's dissect the first three dates I've had.

Bachelor #1 - very nice guy. Loved how smart I am. Thought I was fun to hang out with. He was fun to hang out with. Too bad he's 1. old enough to be my father and 2. has a wife and 3 kids. Turns out he was on business in Madison and just wanted someone to keep him company. Right. He was nicer than the guys I've hung out/dated recently. Ick. They made me want to swear off men forever. Then I talked to my best lesbian friend and she said that girls are just as complicated. I decided it's not worth becoming a lesbian if they are complicated too and I'm not really attracted to them. Maybe a lesbian would have fewer issues with my CF.... but we'll get to that.

Bachelor #2 - only talked to him online, since when we were supposed to get together I didn't wait very long and then left. Maybe that's better. He seems to think I'm all that and a bag of chips - and he hasn't even met me yet. I don't think I can handle being THAT cool. I know I'm cool - but when people think I'm the best thing since sliced bread or even the iPod, we've got trouble - right here in River City. So this one has a red flag. Or maybe more than one, since he wasn't on time when we agreed to meet - and I was fashionably late to make sure I wouldn't end up sitting there alone. I didn't want to get hit on by other creepy guys when I was there to meet my own creepy date. One creep per evening is enough, thank you.

Bachelor #3 - this is the last guy I've dated. Hmmm how to describe him? Well-traveled. Smart. A UW Student (so we have that in common ;-) ). Single father - so responsible - and I LOVE kids. But his son is 15. Yes, he is also old enough to be my dad. I'm good at this dating older guys game. He was nice. And he too seemed maybe TOO interested in me for the first meeting. He said that someday he'd like to take me to Paris. And me, being the cool person I am, shrugged my shoulders and said, "Meh. I've been there." Which is true.

So here is my theory on why I have the internet lining up to date me - I'm not sick on the internet. On the internet I don't have CF. I haven't found the most fabulous guys - but the guys I have found seem really interested - despite age differences. I've been there before and the thought makes me giggle. Anyways. I'm not sick on the internet. I've told a couple guys I'm diabetic - and that's cool because being diabetic doesn't mean you're dying.

I like the fact that people recognize how smart I am. Ever since I had to drop out of college I've had a complex that people no longer will think I'm smart. Smart was what always defined me. I wasn't pretty, or athletic, or popular, but I was unbelievably smart. That's who I was before college. I was the sick looking girl who could blow you away with her brain power. If I had died before college people would have said, "She was really smart" at my funeral.

I like being the ChemE major again. Well, I like pretending that I am a ChemE again. I like the fact that people recognize how smart I am. My ability to do the course work was not why I dropped out. My body couldn't handle the stress of all the work. My brain didn't need to study I was doing so well, and I loved it. I got frustrated having to drop class after class because I would be hospitalized and couldn't make up the labs I missed. It was either re-take classes I had completed 2/3 of and get sick 2/3 of the way through again - or switch majors. I hated that my new major wasn't the hardest one on campus. Because I was smart enough to breeze through the toughest one.

Just being a ChemE major means that you are all-around smart. I am well-traveled and cultured and just know a lot about many things - but I guess that doesn't come out as well when I'm honest and tell people I had to drop out of college because I was sick. Because being sick I guess implies you are stupid? I don't get why I can't be smart and sick. Why does the fact that I don't have a college degree make me not attractive? It's so much easier to tell people you took a couple semesters off to explain why I am 22 and still in college (well, still pretending to be in college).

Without my CF, I am apparently much more attractive physically. When someone learns about my CF to I become a constant cough lying in a hospital bed dying? Is that what people see? (close friends, be quiet... I know that's not what you see. You're my close friends because you don't see me as a disease). But when I'm dating someone is that what they see? And how do I make someone look past my CF.

The only way I can think of is to get to know someone without telling them about my CF - and then once they know me as a smart, beautiful , ChemE major with a different name, tell them everything.

I will say, "So, now that we've been dating for awhile, and we seem to really like each other, I've got some things to tell you. First, my name is not _____. It's Carla. I use a different name online b/c I was stalked in high school and wish to never have a stalker ever again, so I do it for my safety. I should have told you earlier my real name - but I was afraid you'd learn a couple other things about me. Like, that I'm a college dropout. I WAS a ChemE, and it's who I would be if I weren't battling some health issues. I had to drop out because of my health issues because I have cystic fibrosis. I'm also diabetic - so I wanted to you to know that I had a few health issues, but I didn't want you to know the extent of my health stuff before you got to know me as me. Please don't hate me because I am a lying sack of shit. Thanks."

Oh yeah. That'd go well.

I also like this online dating thing because I am in control. I'm not going to get hurt if I only see each person once. ::headdesk::

I think we'll end it there. Suggestions on the CF dating thing are welcome because I have no idea what to do. If I had a million hours I would explain that I chose to drop out to maintain a quality of life - I felt that if I went through college I'd be too sick to work. So I have a good quality of life - I just don't have a job, or a career, or well... much of anything besides my dancing. And have I mentioned I got kicked off the dance team?

Life is Hilarious.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

You Know...

You know your town is too small when you run into people you know everywhere.

You know that it might end up being a very awkward date if you show up and go, huh. My parents had their wedding reception here. Good thing he didn't show, anyways. I got to go home and sleep.

You know you're hanging with the right group of people when you have intelligent conversation and a ton of laughs all in the same evening.

You know, I may not know what's up with me and my sleeping in the den, but it's starting to not bother me. I've made a home out of my 10x10 space - and I like living in the 10x10 space.

You know, I might keep up the internet dating just so I have fun and absurd stories to tell at parties.

You know you're cursed when you think, "Hmm I don't like driving down this street b/c it reminds me of my ex." And then you run into him at the gas station on said street. Life really hates me sometimes.

You know, the next time I'm seriously dating someone - if he "puts me to bed" and then goes to hang out with other people, I'm not going to tolerate it. Especially if "hanging out with other people" is cuddling, etc. with other girls.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Oh where oh where is my dancing!

Okay, to be fair, I had an opportunity to go to a dance workshop this evening - but I decided not to. I decided not to because 1. I didn't know if I was ready to dance yet, and 2. I decided to have dinner with a best friend instead.

Now on to what I wanted to say. I miss dancing. Like really, really miss my dancing. I miss the team and the lessons and especially the Tuesday practices. I miss the team - the people. I miss my friends. I miss having something to do always on Saturday afternoons and Tuesday evenings.

I lost a huge part of my life. And I think I just have to accept it somehow. Right now I don't know how to do that. And I know some of the crazy stuff I've been doing - not just crazy, but self-destructive things - are because I am desperately looking for something to fill the void that dancing filled for me.

The last time I felt this sad and empty and was searching for something I moved to Madison. Maybe this time I should move to Europe. I am redecorating the house because of this void - I know that. I'm even considering rearranging my bedroom furniture because it's been several nights now and I still can't bring myself to sleep in that bed. I'm still sleeping in the den.

I'm so screwed up from this whole being kicked off the team thing.

Wow. Someone fix me please.

All I Want is You

"If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and green
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves"

I love that song. It's from the Juno Soundtrack.

So today I went to the ENT and had my CT scan. The nurse brought it up on the computer before the doc came in and I was able to look at it before he came in. I already knew that none of my sinuses have any air in them - they are full of gunk. So I need surgery - but since I'm not currently in a ton of pain, I can wait until the end of August to have my surgery. Yay.

I'm scared to have my surgery in the middle of summer because the recovery time is so long and I really want to get my redecorating project done. I know to get it done, I'll probably need help, but I'll figure that out later.

Last summer when I had my surgery, I had my ex. He sat with my mom and brother waiting for me to come out of surgery, and he was the first person to come into my room after surgery, and he stayed by my bedside all night long while I coughed things up and needed help getting up, and needed help keeping my mouth wet - and my mom was there, but I sometimes take her for granted. Not really - I mean, I'm trying to say that Mom is always there. I know how much my mom loves me and that she would never leave me. It just meant so much that someone else felt that way about me... someone that didn't have to feel that way about me.

Good Morning, Starshine.

It's 6:55 and I've been up for an hour and 1/2. Wooo hooo. I slept until 5:30 this morning instead of waking up at 5.

What happened to me waking up at oh, 10 am and then being able to go back to sleep? It died on that plane ride back from Europe. I can't even nap successfully any more.

Today I have a CT scan - and I know what the Dr. is going to say. "You need surgery." And I'll say, "Can it wait until late August because I'm kind of busy enjoying my summer, and it'd totally suck to have surgery when all my friends are more available to spend time with me. Thanks."

I guess I'll go shower because I have nothing better to do. Yay me.

On Internet Dating

Don't.

That's my only suggestion. Don't do it... even if the older man seems great and in emails you get along wonderfully and you know his age, and it "doesn't matter." Inevitably you will find yourself in a hotel bar talking about his wife and three kids.

END INTERNET DATING.

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