Learning To Live

Dear Firepersons, Would you mind turning off your lights? They are all blinky and keeping me awake. You probably don't know, but I'm crazy. My PTSD is bad and I don't need all your blinky shit keeping me awake - especially since I am also in a fuckton of pain from my sinuses. That's right. Less than a month after surgery and I have unbearable pain again. I know that this is what Percoset (I can't spell; quiet y'all) is for. I just don't like to drive while I'm taking the strong junk, and my little bro is only here for a couple more weeks. The fact he is trying to end up a productive member of society by going to college is totally interfering with my plan to have him take care of me and be my personal assistant for the rest of my life. I'm also having some trouble telling what's real and what was a dream. Like whether or not my mother grew to about eight feet tall and demanded $25,000. This whole reality thing can be soo confusing. So please t...

In my world, some things are much more important than others. I prefer the words in the card and the sentiment they bring over the present the card came with. I would rather have great company and great conversation than a night in a club with people I don't know. I love having unwavering support in all that I do and a best friend who always knows how to cheer me up when I feel down. I love living in the moment and being silly. A silly companion is better than a serious one. I love to travel and to travel with someone much wiser than myself. I love to laugh. These are just some of the many reasons why I love you, Dad! Happy Fathers' Day!

Dear Friends, I usually have to deal with a lot of people not understanding my cystic fibrosis. That I am used to. I also am very good at explaining it and my daily life so they sort of can pretend they understand what my life is like. I don't often have to explain my mental health issues, but today I do. I know lately I haven’t been myself. I’m assuming you all have noticed and this is my attempt to explain that. This is my email to all of you and I’m also going to post parts of this on The Blog. So mainly you’ve probably noticed or been informed of my problems with a female friend. I’ve been unreasonable and heinous. I am the first to admit that. Only in the last couple weeks have I realized WHY I have such problems and why I’m unable to control myself. Said female friend tends to be a little controlling, and sometimes reminds me of my mother- and with what I’m currently going through she is a PTSD trigger for me. I will explain more of what that means later. For t...

Patsy Cline would be so proud. I'm that Crazy. Being crazy is harder than being a CFer. Can I give up now? YOU love me, right, Internet? More about being crazy later, when i'm feeling less crazy. -- Post From My iPhone

Happy Birthday Luca!!! I know your mom and I count your birthday differently, so in my mind you turn 8 months old today!!! I can't believe you are so big! I love watching watching you crawl and pull yourself up on things!! And yesterday you had your first gelato! Big deal for me! I love you so much kiddo! -- Post From My iPhone

Twitter from my phone is down, so I'm going to post some observations from the day. *sitting with friends, eating ice cream, and watching fireworks is one of the best things in the world. *the town should have called their event something other than "big event" *in my ideal world, I would get married and we'd live with my favorite couple and their kids. I think it would be great to have 4 adults live in the same house. *I'm sleepy. -- Post From My iPhone

Dear Friends, I love you. I love you more than you know. And right now I'm having problems with my PTSD, and my mother. I will give you info individually about my mom. I need you to know that I need your support more than ever right now - and I know that a lot of stuff I've done recently probably seems out of character and mean. I'm sorry for all of that, but the short answer is PTSD. It is awful. I love you and hope I can still count on you guys. Love, Carla -- Post From My iPhone

People often ask me how I'm doing, and I'm never quite sure how to answer. But today I'm going to answer. My CF life is going well. I'm pretty healthy and feeling good. I also have clean sinuses! My mental health isn't going as well as I would like it to. I would like to stop picking. I would like to be able to control my emotions better and be in control of my life. I want to stop hurting myself. I NEED to stop hurting myself. Thank goodness for getting in to see my therapist tomorrow morning! -- Post From My iPhone

I have a physical mother. She gave birth to me, and for the most part, takes very good care of me. But not everything is quite right. I know all families have their problems, but I have a big one. I am never good enough for my mother. No matter what I do, it never makes up for mistakes I have made in the past. I am never responsible enough, never thankful enough, just not good enough. I have had "last straws" in the past while dealing with my mother. I have sworn to make it on my own, but I have absolutely no idea how I would do that. I don't know how to do things without help. I sit here in my living room right now thinking maybe I should move in a place with roommates and take the bare minimum of things with me. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe I can't. Maybe I don't know. Maybe there is another solution. In addition to the loads of therapy that will get me through this, there is another way to help myself. I now need therapy for my depression, wort...

I have mentioned my brother, Darin, is staying with me. He didn't get a summer internship, but has a camp counselor job later in the summer. Until he leaves, he is living with and taking care of me. Before my sinus surgery we did some cleaning and laundry. By "we," I mean "he did the work and I barked the orders." I barked out where to put away all the things I had in my suitcases, where to put clean laundry, how to load the dishwasher, how much water to put in my glass, and how to pour my weekly meds. I sure will miss him when he leaves. The main reason I'm writing about my brother today is because he's amazing. My surgery was figuratively and literally painless. I checked in about 1/2 hour early and was taken to my room right away. Darin and Mom were both very good, but especially Darin. I'm used to Mom taking care of me and doing things for me before and after surgery, but I'm not used to having my little brother there. Darin did wonde...

I had sinus surgery :-) yesterday. Felt better immediately and got to come home same day! Now my anesthesia is wearing off completely and I'm on a pain med. That is all. -- Post From My iPhone