I have a physical mother. She gave birth to me, and for the most part, takes very good care of me. But not everything is quite right. I know all families have their problems, but I have a big one. I am never good enough for my mother. No matter what I do, it never makes up for mistakes I have made in the past. I am never responsible enough, never thankful enough, just not good enough.
I have had "last straws" in the past while dealing with my mother. I have sworn to make it on my own, but I have absolutely no idea how I would do that. I don't know how to do things without help. I sit here in my living room right now thinking maybe I should move in a place with roommates and take the bare minimum of things with me. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe I can't. Maybe I don't know.
Maybe there is another solution. In addition to the loads of therapy that will get me through this, there is another way to help myself. I now need therapy for my depression, worthlessness, and the urge to hurt myself, so my psychologist is going to be in business for a long time. Maybe the other way to help myself is to surround myself with strong women who believe in me.
I always look up to strong, intelligent women. Women who are caring and loving. I have always desperately been looking for a woman who will take me under her wing and be my emotional mother. That is what I need. A mother who will support me emotionally and make sure I know that I AM good enough. Just being me is good enough.
My mother makes me doubt myself to the very core of my personality - the very essence of who I am. She takes a strong, confident young woman and tells her she is worthless. She tells me that I don't care about her and treat her like shit. She tells me I am mean to people - my brother, specifically - and I am a mean person who only thinks about herself. She makes me feel guilty about anything and everything that has to do with money. I can't and won't discuss money issues on a public blog, but I can say that money shouldn't be an issue, but it is. I am lucky to be in the situation I am in, and I am grateful to be able to do the things I do, but my mother makes me feel guilty and says I am taking advantage of her and I'm not thankful.
Everyone tells me none of this is true - I'm strong, and responsible, and honest, and a good person - and I try to believe it because deep down somewhere I know it's true, I think. I want it to be true, but my mother makes me doubt myself so deeply I don't know who or what I am.
I do know that I'm not living up to her standards, or the standards I have set for myself. I want my place to be more organized. I want less clutter. I want to have flawless skin and I want to not hurt myself, but those are things I have trouble with. I want to do my own laundry and dishes and cleaning, but I can never find the energy.
I want to be a productive member of society. I want to support myself and live on my own and afford everything I need without any help. Those are standards I am not living up to. Those are a big issue for me because I know I am going to be stuck under my mother forever, and she will be able to have this control to make me feel bad about myself forever.
I am a bad daughter because I didn't get around to getting my mother anything for Mothers' Day. I tried and tried to find something online to have sent to her while I was in the hospital (I was in over Mothers' Day), but my dad talked me into making her a card instead of buying something. I made a card, but it wasn't good enough. My hand-made card with real heartfelt sentiments isn't good enough. My mom didn't even keep it. I think it's among my discharge papers.
I am a bad daughter because I am skipping Breakfast at Wimbledon this summer. I usually go home so my mother and I can watch the Wimbledon finals together, but this year it is the last weekend before two of my closest friends move to Seattle, and I want to spend that time with them - because they are moving to Seattle. And because I'm choosing my friends over my mother I am a bad daughter.
Even other people notice how horrible I am. When I was in the hospital, my mom and my nurse were talking about baseball and I rolled my eyes or somehow indicated that I was bored, and my nurse said, "The world doesn't revolve around you, Carla." And I thought she was joking, but now I'm not so sure.
My world is blurring and I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. I don't know who I am or how to go on because I know nothing will ever be good enough. I've stopped working on my book because I had my mother help me with a little and she didn't like it. This was more than a year ago, and I haven't touched it since because I'm terrified the whole thing is horrible. j
One of my goals for the summer is to finish my book, but I'll probably fail at that too, because it's what I do best.
I'm drowning in my own self-pity and self-doubt. I know I need a swift kick in the pants to bring me out of this - and usually I can do it for myself, but what if I can't this time?
I'm placing a Wanted Ad for a new Emotional Mother. Apply within.
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