Monday, June 8, 2009

WANTED: Emotional Mother

I have a physical mother. She gave birth to me, and for the most part, takes very good care of me. But not everything is quite right. I know all families have their problems, but I have a big one. I am never good enough for my mother. No matter what I do, it never makes up for mistakes I have made in the past. I am never responsible enough, never thankful enough, just not good enough.

I have had "last straws" in the past while dealing with my mother. I have sworn to make it on my own, but I have absolutely no idea how I would do that. I don't know how to do things without help. I sit here in my living room right now thinking maybe I should move in a place with roommates and take the bare minimum of things with me. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe I can't. Maybe I don't know.

Maybe there is another solution. In addition to the loads of therapy that will get me through this, there is another way to help myself. I now need therapy for my depression, worthlessness, and the urge to hurt myself, so my psychologist is going to be in business for a long time. Maybe the other way to help myself is to surround myself with strong women who believe in me.

I always look up to strong, intelligent women. Women who are caring and loving. I have always desperately been looking for a woman who will take me under her wing and be my emotional mother. That is what I need. A mother who will support me emotionally and make sure I know that I AM good enough. Just being me is good enough.

My mother makes me doubt myself to the very core of my personality - the very essence of who I am. She takes a strong, confident young woman and tells her she is worthless. She tells me that I don't care about her and treat her like shit. She tells me I am mean to people - my brother, specifically - and I am a mean person who only thinks about herself. She makes me feel guilty about anything and everything that has to do with money. I can't and won't discuss money issues on a public blog, but I can say that money shouldn't be an issue, but it is. I am lucky to be in the situation I am in, and I am grateful to be able to do the things I do, but my mother makes me feel guilty and says I am taking advantage of her and I'm not thankful.

Everyone tells me none of this is true - I'm strong, and responsible, and honest, and a good person - and I try to believe it because deep down somewhere I know it's true, I think. I want it to be true, but my mother makes me doubt myself so deeply I don't know who or what I am.

I do know that I'm not living up to her standards, or the standards I have set for myself. I want my place to be more organized. I want less clutter. I want to have flawless skin and I want to not hurt myself, but those are things I have trouble with. I want to do my own laundry and dishes and cleaning, but I can never find the energy.

I want to be a productive member of society. I want to support myself and live on my own and afford everything I need without any help. Those are standards I am not living up to. Those are a big issue for me because I know I am going to be stuck under my mother forever, and she will be able to have this control to make me feel bad about myself forever.

I am a bad daughter because I didn't get around to getting my mother anything for Mothers' Day. I tried and tried to find something online to have sent to her while I was in the hospital (I was in over Mothers' Day), but my dad talked me into making her a card instead of buying something. I made a card, but it wasn't good enough. My hand-made card with real heartfelt sentiments isn't good enough. My mom didn't even keep it. I think it's among my discharge papers.

I am a bad daughter because I am skipping Breakfast at Wimbledon this summer. I usually go home so my mother and I can watch the Wimbledon finals together, but this year it is the last weekend before two of my closest friends move to Seattle, and I want to spend that time with them - because they are moving to Seattle. And because I'm choosing my friends over my mother I am a bad daughter.

Even other people notice how horrible I am. When I was in the hospital, my mom and my nurse were talking about baseball and I rolled my eyes or somehow indicated that I was bored, and my nurse said, "The world doesn't revolve around you, Carla." And I thought she was joking, but now I'm not so sure.

My world is blurring and I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. I don't know who I am or how to go on because I know nothing will ever be good enough. I've stopped working on my book because I had my mother help me with a little and she didn't like it. This was more than a year ago, and I haven't touched it since because I'm terrified the whole thing is horrible. j

One of my goals for the summer is to finish my book, but I'll probably fail at that too, because it's what I do best.

I'm drowning in my own self-pity and self-doubt. I know I need a swift kick in the pants to bring me out of this - and usually I can do it for myself, but what if I can't this time?

I'm placing a Wanted Ad for a new Emotional Mother. Apply within.

1 comment:

Sher said...

Sweetheart, you don't need an emotional mother. You need to understand that YOU are what you need.

YOU can tell yourself you're beautiful and worthwhile and intelligent and articulate and kind.

YOU have to do good things for you because you deserve them, not because your Mother says you do or do not.

She can only hurt you when you give her permission to hurt you. Thank her for giving birth to you and then move on in anyway you have to.


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