Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Birthday Thoughts

I'm having problems. Problems of the emotional sort. Today sucked. Sucked so bad I went and spent $200 on NOTHING. Well, I bought toilet paper, but that doesn't really count. My goal was to go to the store and buy toilet paper, but I found myself wandering around Target aimlessly adding things to my basket. And that added up to $200 - how did I do that?

I know how I did that. I sat at home mopey about having to sleep so much because of my sinuses, sort of glad that I had no reason to shower today because I had the day off, and then I was thinking about my mother. And oh, the damage that woman has done.

I don't know why, but it has really hit me harder this time. I think I'm figuring out why I do things and a lot of it is Mom. I hate to say that. I hate to be the kid who blames things on her mother, but I can't help it. Mom has screwed me up.

You would be screwed up too if she canceled your 17th and 18th birthdays. Yes, she canceled them. And it's always a toss-up not to see if she will wish me a happy birthday ON my birthday. She got me a cake this year and I was going to tell her how happy I was that she could celebrate my birthday with me - and then she freaked out about a mistake I made with the laundry and then she had to pick apart my soul. I haven't spoken to her since sometime on Sunday - probably before I fell asleep to escape her.

How can she be two completely different people?

I hate my birthday. It reminds me that my mother sees it as one more year closer to my death. I really want to see it as me beating CF for one more year - one more year past when I was supposed to die. Which was 16... which is why I think my mother canceled my 17th and 18th birthdays. She didn't want me to get older. My parents had been told I wouldn't live past 16 -so me turning 17 was awful for her. Me turning 18 meant she lost control over me, and therefore lost control over my disease.

Too bad she had to make me pick up dog shit in the rain on my 18th birthday just because it made her a little sad. Too bad she didn't speak to me except to yell at me on either of those birthdays, and too bad I can't let go of it.

Wanna make any bets to see if she'll call me on my actual birthday. I doubt it. I've decided I'm not speaking to her until she either says Happy Birthday on my actual birthday - or she apologizes. Neither is very likely.

This just hurts so much. I hate my birthday. It's never a good day. Celebrating before or after July 30th usually turns out okay. I had a great time on Saturday with Mom, Dad, Chris and Kyra. Sunday was the day from hell - the day that broke the straw in my back. The day I decided I am so fucking done with her bullshit.

Last year on July 30th my boyfriend broke up with me. Nice guy. It wouldn't be for another couple weeks that I would finally throw the bastard out of my house when he broke up with me for the 2nd time.

I'm really sick of July 30th. They should take the day off the calendar.

My issues with my mom are so deep. I have panic attacks thinking about money - and how she controls me with it. How she can threaten me with my living space and my transportation and taking them away because they belong to her. Oh wait, it is because they do belong to her. I have no power.

I hate my birthday.


Chris S. said...

We had fun, too.

I'm so glad you've been here another year. :)

sixtytwodays said...

Wow. You made me wonder what if I will someday ruin my girls' birthdays. I had a weird, long, hard birth experience with Emily. Lots of ups and downs over 4 days. Then, 4 days after that, on Isabelle's birthday, Emily was taken to Children's in an ambulance. Both days, for the last 2 years have stirred up tons of emotions for me. Anger at this disease, sadness from remembering, fear, but also extreme joy watching my girls with their cakes and presents.

I always assumed that with time the sadness would subside and would no longer need to wipe away hidden tears during thier party. But maybe like your mom, that extreme, gut-wrenching sadness will linger, making me go nutso, too.

I do want to add that even that first year, when my 4 day old was in the NICU 40 miles away, we went ahead with the party for Isabelle. YOu can't just cancel a 3 year old's party. I let my sister in law clean up my house (I hadn't been there for a week due to the complicated birth...) and called family ad friends asking them to please still come. I put y "big girl's" hair in pig tails, dressed her in her Dora outfit and sang happy birthday. My nutso action that day was to insist on fresh guacamole to eat...I stood, paralyzed in front of the avacados at Piggly Wiggly trying to remember what I was doing there when my baby had just gone to Milwaukee in an ambulance.

But, there was a party. And there always will be.

Froggymama said...

I just found your blog via 'sixytwodays'. As a mom, I can't imagine adding complication or pain to my daughter's life. In my heart of hearts all I want is joy and love in her life. And I would walk through fire for her.

Every birthday is a celebration of beating Cf, and living for today. So Happy Birthday from one CF mama to you!Every birthday is an accomplishment, and if your mom is incapable of acknowledging that, I hope you take comfort in the fact that it really is something to celebrate. I hope and pray that my daughter lives to 100, and you do too! xoxox

drained in sj said...

I have had my share of $200 at Target buying a basket full of nothing...

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