When I was in high school and college I looked like I had an eating disorder. People would come up and ask me straight out if I was anorexic or bulimic. I would tell them no, but that I have trouble digesting my food because my pancreatic enzymes don't make it to my intestines so I have to take them in pill form. I had people come up to me and tell me how much they wanted to be thin like me. All this time I was struggling to maintain my weight and trying to gain weight if I could. In college, just to maintain my weight I had to drink Scandishakes - 600 calories in 8 ounces. I hated doing them, but I had to get my extra calories somehow.
Fast forward several years and here I am, overweight. For my height, I am overweight. The chart at the doctor's office told me so. I need to lose weight and I don't know how. Blah blah blah eat less, blah blah blah more exercise. I know that. But does it work?
I am trying to maintain a diet where I eat between 800 and 1200 calories a day. I really like to stay closer to 800, but some days I am just so hungry I can't do it. I also like to reward myself with food when I am proud of myself - and if I eat just 800 calories and exercise, I'm proud of myself.
I'm also proud of myself for organizing the bathroom and working on my closet. I'm proud of myself for working on my book. I'm proud of myself for staying awake most of the day. For only needing one two-hour nap. I'm proud that I took the stairs at the parking garage at the hospital. I'm proud that I can exercise. I'm proud of myself, and normally I would reward myself by eating. Going out to eat, or eating lots of ice cream. But that ruins my diet. Silly circular mess.
I am currently organizing all my music files. It's made easier by a program I found that renames the weird ones (I have THOUSANDS of mixed-up, incorrectly named files). And the same program will find missing album art. I am in love with this program. Now if I could only find one for my email. I don't want to sort through all the thousands of emails I have waiting for me in Outlook.
And besides my weight, the other thing that is bothering me is my feet. They are dry and crackly and icky. They make me feel old and diabetic, so I am treating them with heavy moisturizer and clean socks.
I feel I really don't have that much to worry about - my weight and my feet are what's bothering me. Big friggin' deal. My lungs are healthy! I feel well enough to stay awake most of the day! I can exercise! These things are nearly miracles, and yet here I am complaining about how I can't lose weight or make my feet smooth.
I guess I'll just keep plugging away at the weight war. Just like most other Americans. But I am going to WIN this war, I don't care how long it takes. I swear I'm going to lose that weight, just to prove I can. And so my jeans fit again. I don't want to have to buy more sweat pants.
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