Sunday, April 13, 2008

On Never Dating Ever Because It's Not Fair.

The last post was titled "On Not Dating" and I was contemplating the recent ending of casual dating with Boy (read that first). Now I have realized some other things and this came out of that...

So, I've now decided that I will never date ever (because seriously, how could I do that to another human being??? How could I expect another person to want THIS??? To want me and all that comes with me???)

So here's the rest of the conversation with my friend - the reason I came to the conclusion that I can't date. I just can't.

ME: having CF - I really don't get what would be so awful about being in a relationship with me???
Honestly, please talk about this with me because I'm about to lose my shit all together here and I just can't handle crying one more time today. [editor's note: I did lose my shit... you'll read why]

Him: ok
well look
you have a big disease
and it dominates your life
it dominates every part of your existence [editor's note: Thanks for pointing THAT out to the depressed girl, buddy]
and so when you ask people to commit to you
you're asking them to commit to that as well [editor's note: ow.]

ME: but at the same time it is MY disease and they will never have to know what it's like
because they can't.
and no one knows what will happen to the person they commit to - shit happens
they could get cancer
or die of a heart attack - and they are willing to take those risks

Him: no
but the probability of that happening is low [editor's note: not THAT low - you know how many dead people I know?]
and there is nothing to suggest to the vast majority of people that it will happen soon
yes, it is your disease
and yes, your suffering is real
but that doesn't mean that you can discount the suffering of your significant other [editor's note: SHIT they feel things too???]
you're asking someone to emotionally committ to you
when you are different than everyone else
and have a much higher chance of abandoning them through death
leaving them middle-aged and alone
than a standard relationship

ME: fuck.

Him: so that's the fear
it's not easy, I think

ME: well now I've decided that I'm never going to date ever because I just can't do that to another human being.

Him: heh
I don't think you have to go that far in the opposite direction
there's a balance

ME: i wasn't joking.

Him: I know you weren't
but there IS a balance
what I think you should do
is date but date knowing what you're up against
and don't be so immediate about looking for commitment
because that comes off as internal fear
if you act as if you have as much time as anyone else [editor's note: I in NO WAY act like I don't have as much time, other then having no regrets and living life to the fullest, and I'm not going to change THAT.]
it's easy for other people to treat you as if you DO have that time


Him: and by the time you're at that point
who knows what sorts of treatments or solutions medicine will have

ME: yeah, go ahead and act like you have time when you're dying.

Him: but like you said earlier
you aren't dieing yet


Him: but it's a greater possibility for later

ME: Oh fuck off, I am dying - at an incredibly faster rate then most people.

Him: ok then
so don't look for super-commitment
look to enjoy what time you have
and look for people to enjoy it with
and that is how you may find what you're looking for in the long-term
at least, that's my theory

ME: I am... I just need more support sometimes and to most people support = commitment
and I want to shoot those people.

Him: well what does support mean to you?

ME: holding my hand when I feel like the world is caving in on me

Him: no, just thought there was more to it than that

ME: nope, not really. that was my simple one line answer.

And it is. Basically that's what I want - someone to hold my hand when I can't handle things. I do a pretty damn good job of handling things, but sometimes I just need someone to hold my hand.

I want someone who can make me smile and giggle and laugh. Someone who will watch movies with me and have intelligent conversations about things other than my disease. Understanding that this is how my life works would be good - a bonus.

At the same time, there is only so much my friends can do. To be more supportive would take another level of commitment to me. Friends can leave easily. Very easily - they do it. I have some really great ones that are there - but they are a different level of friends. And I'm not quite sure how all of this works.

Honestly I had originally said "only so much my friends and family can do" but I took out the family because they do EVERYTHING for me. I would be nowhere without my family. They do everything they possibly can from several hours away. My family is stuck with me and they love me and can't get rid of me, so they do everything within their power to support me and be there for me when I am sick.

I'd just like something more daily. More living with me. Less my mother.

So I suppose support DOES equal commitment, although I tried to argue it doesn't earlier. It does in my case. My deadly, terrible case that I never want to inflict on another human being.


Anonymous said...

I see your point of view.. that you do need someone who is not going to let your CF effect your relationship. You need to find someone who likes you enough to be able to think 'yes she might die EVENTUALLY, but i will enjoy the time i have with her now, and support her and be there for her, so when she is gone i can remember the good times" and who knows what kind of meds they will have by then.

Boy might not be able to handle that. Alot of people can't. And its not fair to you but that doesn't mean you should quit dating. How are you going to find your nice committed boy if you stop all together? Dating in general is hard, but for you, you have a totally new obstacle to take on. And thats not fair either, but i'm sure by now you have realized that you got dealt the unfair card in the beginning.

I understand that your angry (or you were since i'm a little behind on your blog here), but i think you should keep dating. becuase you do deserve someone supportive and loving and someone who is going to hold your hand and stroke your hair when you sleep all the time.

You WILL find that person, just give it time and until then just have fun, live life to the fullest and everything will fall into place. I know its hard to be patient but if you have fun while you wait it won't seem like its that long.

Hang in there sweetie! Love ya *hugs*

Chris S. said...

I think you are right. Anyone interested in you shouldn't be thinking about your mortality at the same time. It's not fair to you or emotionally honest of them. If some guy really cared about you, he would not be thinking about the possibility of your death.

We are all dying. Anyone could have some disease they don't know about that hits them in middle-age. Like you noted, there are plenty of people who get random diseases in middle age and die suddenly. Are we supposed to say, "Well, you might get a disease in middle age, and I can't deal with that so I'm not going to date you." That's dumb. You and your disease are no different, I think. Eventually, people die and everyone has to deal with it. It's part of life, so why avoid it?

Commitment means taking the chance that someone might not be there the next day, for whatever reason, and it's a chance anyone will take (whether they know it or not) if they want to be in a relationship. So I don't agree with anyone who thinks your disease is something they should consider before dating you. Like you said, it's not fair.

I'm almost tempted to tell you not to tell guys about it. Tell them you have a lung disorder or something, and that's why you cough. Then, at some point later, tell them the gory details. Maybe that's not the best idea, but anyone who really cares about you will stick with you. Maybe you've considered that before but rejected the idea. You know what's best to do, of course.

Just know that you have a RIGHT to expect the same amout of commitment as anyone else. You should have an anti-discrimination policy or something! "Just because I have a disease does not mean I am not a person who needs things just like anyone else!" By the way, the friend who told you all that stuff is full of it. There is no "standard" relationship. Your disease does NOT NEED to dominate your life. Anyone who considers their fear of abandonment above their love for you is selfish.

Sorry for rambling. I'm rather upset people are saying such things to you. Carla, you are worthwhile and you do deserve to be in a relationship with someone who puts their care for you above their own fears.

Hobbes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt Todd said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've often thought to myself "If i were still single and didn't have my wife why would any one want to be with someone such as myself in poor health and a questionable future." And i think that for people in our position it is a valid concern. There are a lot of shallow people that would not want to be around people such as us because of this disease. And i guess i can understand that, particularly for people of our age. However i also think that we are better off without people such as that if they are unable to support us and be there through thick and thin. That is what being a friend/significant other is about. If they can't hold up their end of the bargain it is best to cut them loose and look for someone who can fit the bill. I know that it is an often over used cliche. but i believe there is someone out there for everyone. I managed to find a wife, that has to tell you something. I guess the only problem for us is our time to find that person is more limited than most. However from what i have read in your blog you seem to be a fun, intelligent person to be around and person who would make a good friend/significant other for someone. And judging from your picture you're very beautiful as well (sorry if that sound creepy or stalkerish, its not meant that way). I have confidence that at some point soon you will find a person to fit the bill. But in my opinion at this time you;re better off with out boy or anyone else such as him if they are unable to meet your needs. You deserve better than that.

Chris S. said...

to Matt: Yes, she is beautiful. :)

Carla, I think most people just can't truly commit to anyone anyway, no matter if they have a disease or not. Most people are fickle. I think because you have CF they have another reason not to commit to you and to give in to fear. So it's other people (i.e. guys) being fickle, not you being different, that makes commitment difficult.

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