The last post was titled "On Not Dating" and I was contemplating the recent ending of casual dating with Boy (read that first). Now I have realized some other things and this came out of that...
So, I've now decided that I will never date ever (because seriously, how could I do that to another human being??? How could I expect another person to want THIS??? To want me and all that comes with me???)
So here's the rest of the conversation with my friend - the reason I came to the conclusion that I can't date. I just can't.
ME: having CF - I really don't get what would be so awful about being in a relationship with me???
Honestly, please talk about this with me because I'm about to lose my shit all together here and I just can't handle crying one more time today. [editor's note: I did lose my shit... you'll read why]
you have a big disease
and it dominates your life
it dominates every part of your existence [editor's note: Thanks for pointing THAT out to the depressed girl, buddy]
and so when you ask people to commit to you
you're asking them to commit to that as well [editor's note: ow.]
ME: but at the same time it is MY disease and they will never have to know what it's like
because they can't.
and no one knows what will happen to the person they commit to - shit happens
they could get cancer
or die of a heart attack - and they are willing to take those risks
but the probability of that happening is low [editor's note: not THAT low - you know how many dead people I know?]
and there is nothing to suggest to the vast majority of people that it will happen soon
yes, it is your disease
and yes, your suffering is real
but that doesn't mean that you can discount the suffering of your significant other [editor's note: SHIT they feel things too???]
you're asking someone to emotionally committ to you
when you are different than everyone else
and have a much higher chance of abandoning them through death
leaving them middle-aged and alone
than a standard relationship
Him: so that's the fear
it's not easy, I think
ME: well now I've decided that I'm never going to date ever because I just can't do that to another human being.
I don't think you have to go that far in the opposite direction
there's a balance
ME: i wasn't joking.
Him: I know you weren't
but there IS a balance
what I think you should do
is date but date knowing what you're up against
and don't be so immediate about looking for commitment
because that comes off as internal fear
if you act as if you have as much time as anyone else [editor's note: I in NO WAY act like I don't have as much time, other then having no regrets and living life to the fullest, and I'm not going to change THAT.]
it's easy for other people to treat you as if you DO have that time
Him: and by the time you're at that point
who knows what sorts of treatments or solutions medicine will have
ME: yeah, go ahead and act like you have time when you're dying.
Him: but like you said earlier
you aren't dieing yet
ME: NICE SPELLING
Him: but it's a greater possibility for later
ME: Oh fuck off, I am dying - at an incredibly faster rate then most people.
Him: ok then
so don't look for super-commitment
look to enjoy what time you have
and look for people to enjoy it with
and that is how you may find what you're looking for in the long-term
at least, that's my theory
ME: I am... I just need more support sometimes and to most people support = commitment
and I want to shoot those people.
Him: well what does support mean to you?
ME: holding my hand when I feel like the world is caving in on me
Him: no, just thought there was more to it than that
ME: nope, not really. that was my simple one line answer.
And it is. Basically that's what I want - someone to hold my hand when I can't handle things. I do a pretty damn good job of handling things, but sometimes I just need someone to hold my hand.
I want someone who can make me smile and giggle and laugh. Someone who will watch movies with me and have intelligent conversations about things other than my disease. Understanding that this is how my life works would be good - a bonus.
At the same time, there is only so much my friends can do. To be more supportive would take another level of commitment to me. Friends can leave easily. Very easily - they do it. I have some really great ones that are there - but they are a different level of friends. And I'm not quite sure how all of this works.
Honestly I had originally said "only so much my friends and family can do" but I took out the family because they do EVERYTHING for me. I would be nowhere without my family. They do everything they possibly can from several hours away. My family is stuck with me and they love me and can't get rid of me, so they do everything within their power to support me and be there for me when I am sick.
I'd just like something more daily. More living with me. Less my mother.
So I suppose support DOES equal commitment, although I tried to argue it doesn't earlier. It does in my case. My deadly, terrible case that I never want to inflict on another human being.
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