Learning To Live

Two of my FAVORITE people on the planet have had golden birthdays recently.  I feel bad because I think I forgot to say awesome things on my blog about my awesome brother on his golden day, so here are the awesome things about TWO AWESOME PEOPLE. Happy Golden Birthday, Darin (a little bit late).  I know we went to Vegas, and I threw you a party here, and I told the world on Facebook how awesome you are - but I didn't say anything nice here.  And this is the place you never read, so it's SUPER important.  Right. My brother means the world to me.  He's one of my very important rocks.  He's brilliant, and funny and can be amazingly flamingly gay.  The last one is one of my favorite qualities in my brother.  That, and that he hangs up on me on the phone on a regular basis.  Seriously. If you interrupt his thought at all he gets mad - which can be funny.  But overall, he's sweet when he's told to be.  He does my laundry when I tell...

I'm exhausted, but I just want to with a VERY Happy 2nd Anniversary to Chris and Kyra of kyrachris.com. Chris and Kyra - Thanks for being in my life.  You're an amazing couple with an adorable, smart, wonderful son and I am blessed to know you all.  Thank you for your unconditional love and support.  I couldn't ask for better friends/honorary siblings.    I'm pretty sure I wrote everything else I wanted to tell you in my card/present.  ;-) I LOVE YOU! Happy 2nd Anniversary - And Many More! Love, Carla "Auntie Carla"   

I think I've decided (just this instant while I was watching TV) to start a CRAFT BLOG. I've tried keeping craft binders and craft notebooks, but I'm just not very good at it. So I think I'm going to start a craft blog as a place to keep track of things I want to make and things I have made (hopefully with photos of the things I have made).  I could go back and take photos of things like the uber impressive knitting bag I made.  It's more like a knitting supply tank than a bag, but it's great.  The idea came after I had the quick idea to make a crafting tool belt - something like an apron where I can keep my pens and scissors and glue sticks when I'm scrap booking.  I can keep my pencils and scissors and thread in it while I quilt.  I can keep my tape measure, my scissors, my pattern and pens, and my other knitting needles I need in it while I'm knitting.  Now I just need to figure out how to make that apron-thing.  Shouldn't be too hard.  B...

I sit watching my 90-year-old grandmother prepare dish water.  I watch her and my 92-year-old grandfather wash dishes.  My father walks away because either he knows or doesn't want to watch.  I offer to help - she won't let me.  My grandmother is sun-downing before my eyes.  And the sun is setting outside the west window.  The clouds are orange and purple.  It's lovely out there, but stormy in here. I want to go back to this morning - back when my grandmother knew who I was and why I was in her house.  Back when she was laid back and let us do things for her.  Back when we could suggest something without yelling.  So much yelling.  No matter how loud our voices are Grandma still doesn't understand.  That was hours ago, but it seems like decades.  My grandmother yells at my father because he's not dyring a plate correctly.  My attention snaps back to the sink as my father belligerently tells my grandmother "...

 *I feel so healthy!  *I love this photo from the masquerade ball!  *I feel so healthy!  *I can't believe how good I feel!  *I'm taking about 80% fewer naps!  *I'm quilting again!  *I can shower before I go places - and I still have energy left!  *I feel so good I want to cry.  *It's been so long since I've felt like this - I don't know if I've ever felt this good.  *I'm going to get my place in tip-top shape!  *You should see the organization of my meds.  It ROCKS. The end.  Happy Wednesday!

I want to scream from the rooftops "I'm ALL BETTER!!!" I want to dance and spin and jump up and down BECAUSE I CAN! I am loving the song "Defying Gravity" (the Glee version). The lyrics are speaking to me - in parentheses are my thoughts/reasons why I love that line! Defying Gravity Something has changed within me (I feel better physically AND mentally! Finally!) Something is not the same (I'm not so crazy) I'm through with playing by the rules (CF should keep me from doing things) Of someone else's game (CF is NOT my game) Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep (Let's stay awake!!!) It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap! (I'm Leaping back into life!) It's time to try Defying gravity I think I'll try Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I am defying gravity And you wont bring me down! (No one will bring me down!) I'm through accepting limits ''cause someo...

Great Strides is Today!!! I'll be walking this morning with friends and family. We raised over $5,000 this year. Not bad considering our team is significantly smaller. This is for Eva, Janel, Laura, Lauren and all my other CF angels. This is for Lauren, Talana, Tabitha, Tricia, Angie, and all my CF Friends. This is for all the CFers who are little kids who really need a cure so we can spare them all the pain and suffering we have known. This is for all the CFers who have ever been sick, who are still sick, or who will ever be sick. And this is for me. Because I am on my way to learning to live my life - and I've spent ONE YEAR out of the hospital. And NINE MONTHS without IVs.

"You Are My Sunshine" is the state song of Louisiana. I think I was really supposed to be born there. I absolutely love it (except for the fact that there is all that DAMN humidity. I think I'd go north - or way west to Hawai'i for the summer). And my dad lived there until after the 9th grade. "You Are My Sunshine" is a song my mother couldn't listen to when I was a child because of the connotations and the fact that I have cystic fibrosis. Today I am in a very dark place. I've been in this dark place for awhile now, and I'm doing my best to fight my way out. But there are days I want to give up fighting and trying to live my life and I just want to go to sleep until it's all over. It won't be over until I fight my way through, but try using logic with CRAZY. It doesn't work. Last week I had to check myself in somewhere where I could get more help. I thought about a psych ward, but that's expensive and I wanted to...

I will focus on today. I will focus on this hour. I will focus on this minute. That is how I will survive. Things have gone bad - my PTSD is pretty much out of control, as are my panic attacks. My mother and I had a fun-filled day of criticizing Carla yesterday. Also, she was/is mad because I've never told her everything about the trauma - so she made me talk about it. It's a box I'm supposed to keep closed. I'm trying to sit on the box and zip it shut, but it ain't workin'. I need to keep quotes and advice close in my mind to make it through. "You may have to fight the battle more than once to win it" - Margaret Thatcher That's pretty damn true. But it sucks. I keep reminding myself of what my primary care doc told me, "Everything is useful." And I know someday this will be useful. Someday I might be able to write about it and get my book published. Someday I might be able to talk to young kids and advocate agai...

The words "Live, Laugh, Love" hang in my living room. I try everyday to live up to them. Lately I've been feeling lost, confused, and even sad. But the one thing I never run out of is Love. Love is my favorite feeling. Just being able to love the moment you're in and smile and laugh is the best feeling in the world. It's no surprise that lately I have been feeling a little un-loved. My mental struggles and my physical ones can make me feel like it's just me vs. the world. But when I look around I almost always find an incredible amount of love. And like the Beatles said, "All you need is Love." I always have many things to say - like tonight i could write about how my toe is once again keeping me from dancing, or how my car ran out of gas, but i want to write about Love. I want to share with you some of the reasons I am feeling loved - and loving my life - tonight. Tonight I went to a formal masquerede ball put on by the ballroom dance group I bel...