Sunday, May 2, 2010

Today

I will focus on today. I will focus on this hour. I will focus on this minute. That is how I will survive.

Things have gone bad - my PTSD is pretty much out of control, as are my panic attacks. My mother and I had a fun-filled day of criticizing Carla yesterday. Also, she was/is mad because I've never told her everything about the trauma - so she made me talk about it. It's a box I'm supposed to keep closed. I'm trying to sit on the box and zip it shut, but it ain't workin'.

I need to keep quotes and advice close in my mind to make it through.

"You may have to fight the battle more than once to win it" - Margaret Thatcher

That's pretty damn true. But it sucks.

I keep reminding myself of what my primary care doc told me, "Everything is useful."

And I know someday this will be useful. Someday I might be able to write about it and get my book published. Someday I might be able to talk to young kids and advocate against abuse. Someday maybe I will help someone because I've been here and I know what it feels like.

But right now I'm focused on TODAY. "No Day But Today," and "This too shall pass." The second one my dad says a lot. He's my rock.

I will make it through this minute. I will make it through this hour. I will make it through today. And then there is always tomorrow.

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