Friday, December 17, 2010

Is It December Yet?

So I was pretty sure it was December until I called a friend back and we had to go through all the issues we fought about in OCTOBER.  OCT - to the - OBER.  The month with Halloween in it... do you realize CHRISTMAS is a week away?  That's two months ago.

To be fair, things with this friend - THE friend - were never resolved.  I just sort of forgot about them.  Among other things, I have been disowned and re-owned, helped bonus siblings with family problems, realized someone close to me has an alcohol problem and tried dating (and not very successfully...).  The fact that the friend is still mad at me slipped away and got buried at my pile of things to worry about.  I've been busy at work (thankfully - I love it there), and I've been busy in general.  Christmas decorations take a lot to put up. 

So I called the friend back last night because she had called and left a message the night before.  The next hour-ish consisted of me explaining exactly why I can't be with my trigger and crying and blah, blah, blah.  I don't even want to type about it.  The last thing I said was, "I wouldn't wish what he has done to me on anyone.  Especially a friend."

And to continue that thought, No Means No.  My trigger has violated that many times, and therefore violated me.  I will not stand and be violated again - either directly by being forced to come in contact with him or by having PTSD issues. 

I have to keep in mind what Kyra said,

"Your friend may never be willing or able to understand mental illness. Its hard for people sometimes when on the surface someone seems so healthy. Realize that your brain is fundamentally different than someone without PTSD. (And if anyone contradicts you, send them to the head of the Psyc department at the UW, who has research to the contrary) I'm betting your friend wouldn't ask someone with a triple bi-pass to run a marathon. In the same way she shouldn't ask you to be in the same room with your trigger. It would endanger your life and health just as much the marathon would someone with a heart condition."

I want my friend to understand, I really do.  I'm not sure if she is willing.  I'm not sure if she's able.  I won't stand for someone to endanger my life and health.  I'm just not going to be okay with that.  Ever. 

And that's the point I wanted to make in this post.  It's okay to have PTSD.  It's okay to have triggers and it's okay to need to learn to avoid those triggers.  Luckily, my major triggers are a couple people... easy to avoid.  My minor triggers (Mitshubishi cars, soccer, my hometown) are also easy to avoid - and even the minor triggers, I usually just twitch a little - I don't have a full-blown flash back.  I don't get the full anxiety.  But my major triggers are bad for my health.  I will stay away from them at all costs - even if I have to lose my friend because she doesn't understand my disease. 

Always remember, No Means No.

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