Sitting in the Library

I hate this.  I'm sitting in the library watching the seconds tick away.  I'm supposed to be writing a chapter for my book about my ex-husband. 


I am writing the chapter that introduces him as a person - before things were terrible.  Before he left.  When I was really happy. 

And that's some of my problem - I was never truly UN-happy.  At least I didn't think I was unhappy.  Maybe I was too sick to pay attention to my marriage, but I didn't think it was so bad until Dan announced he was leaving me. 

In retrospect, of course, there were things that were terrible, and I'm doing much better now. 

I think sometimes I'm still stunned that all this happened, that this is my life. 

Today I ran up the stairs and thought, "Shit.  I have different lungs in me."  Sometimes, I almost forget. 

Today my writing coach said to me, "Well, cripes. You just had your lungs torn out. Then your heart was torn out as well."

And it's true.  I was shocked at how I was mistreated and abandoned less than three months after my double lung transplant and three months before I would spend any long stretch of time outside of the hospital.  Did that happen to me?  It seems surreal.  

The absence of my husband and my mother are both very surreal - they were the first voices I heard when I woke up from surgery.  And they're both gone.  

At times I'm still so angry.  I'm angry because I had wonderful post-transplant plans.  I was going to travel the world with my dad and brother.  I was going to sew my little heart out.  I was going to dance, dance, dance and go to competition weekends and have so much fun with my friends.  And a lot of that isn't possible without the income I had while I was married to Dan.  Dan made these plans with me.  Promised me these things, and now he's gone and sometimes, I'm still very angry at the plans he destroyed.  

My health has made some of those plans difficult as well, but I feel I was more prepared for that to be my obstacle than a lack of funds.  I'm used to having to give up things because I'm sick.  I do what I can, and make it work.  It's much harder to "make it work" when money is the issue.  

I don't want to confuse anyone - I LOVE my life now.  In most ways, I'm better off than when I was with Dan.  I love where I live, I love who I live with - Dad and soon, George - and I love the things I'm doing.  I'm working on getting stronger so dancing is easier.  I'm sewing as much as my legs will tolerate.  I have taken up embroidery, which I LOVE.  

I'm just hating writing about what I had and thinking about that part of my past because it makes living this different present emotionally challenging.  


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