Social Media Break

Today, on Facebook I posted, "I want to delete my social media apps for the entire month of October, or until I'm feeling better, but I know I'll never be able to do it.  I rely on photos of friends' kiddos and food and sewing projects to keep my spirits up, and I worry about my CF and Transplant friends, and I want to stay in touch with everyone.  I want to encourage my friends who are also going through tough things and just be there to support anyone who needs a supportive ear.  So I won't delete my social media, but I won't be monitoring it as closely.  I'll be limiting my time spent scrolling, and I'll avoid all the political articles.  Go to my blog for the longer explanation of how I'm doing." 

Yesterday was “Mean Girls” Day, October 3^rd, and George suggested we watch it.  I know he wanted to cheer me up and help, but I got sucked into the internet – again – and ended up binging on articles about PTSD.  I read about PTSD and chronic illness, PTSD and divorce, PTSD and politics, and PTSD and triggering television.

My PTSD is complex.  I say that because it is both complicated AND from multiple traumas over many years.  Death, stalkers, assault, family drama, chronic illness, etc.  Believe it or not, my double lung transplant was one of the LEAST traumatic things I’ve been through, at least in terms of how I handled it mentally.  There were parts that were scary – especially the hallucinations and complications, but I’ve had few long-lasting mental affects from the transplant itself. 

The article I read on PTSD and triggering television was incredibly interesting and poignant, and then I promptly lost it into the void of the internet so I can’t link it.  To summarize, many people continue to watch TV that reminds them of their trauma.  I knew this is true for me, but I didn’t know why, exactly.  One of my favorite shows used to be “Law and Order: SVU.”  The show premiered in 1999, and until two seasons ago, I watched every episode and watched reruns fanatically.  USA Network was my best friend.  In the hospital I just kept the marathons on.  It didn’t matter how many times I’d seen an episode, I couldn’t get enough.  Then, two years ago, I suddenly stopped watching, not really able to handle it, but maybe I just didn’t need it anymore. 

I’ve connected some dots about my SVU habits.  One of my major traumas began in 1999.  I had a stalker for about 6 years.  While he lost his job, I doubt it was directly because of me; there were others involved.  He never served any time.  I never got justice.  I was told by police no crime was committed against me because “being creepy isn’t a crime.”  In 1999, I turned 13. 

On TV, being “creepy” is absolutely a crime.  And you get caught.  The police love their “special victims,” – the sex crimes victims, and the perps always go to jail or prison.  Justice is served in under an hour on television. 

I found all that soothing.  I found bad guys getting caught and cops caring so soothing, I mostly used SVU as a way to help me fall asleep.  I always said it was because I could fall asleep because I’d seen them all, so I wasn’t afraid of missing anything, but it was much more than that.  I was using SVU to calm my anxieties.  I knew the bad guy would be caught, the victim was believed, justice was served and all was right with the world.  The facts in the Television World helped calm my anxieties about the Real World.

Another show I’ve always adored from when I was very young is ER.  I own all 15 seasons and have watched them multiple times through – like, 6 or 7 times, plus all the reruns on TNT I watched when I was in college.  I’ve always had medical traumas.  Just living with a chronic illness can be trauma enough to cause PTSD.  That is the other article I read that I wanted to post, but promptly lost.  I first really got into ER after a botched appendectomy when I was 18, and after the recent nightmare hospital stay in July, I found myself craving to watch ER again.  Now I realize why.  The doctors and nurses care so much.  They always go above and beyond for every patient.  It’s not that my doctors and nurses don’t go above and beyond – my favorite example is when Cloe brought me a little Christmas Tree after transplant, or basically everything my friend Erin ever did for her patients.  I’ve even had doctors go above and beyond, and when I almost died, I saw the honest pain and fear in Dr. Dolan’s face.  But on TV, it’s EVERY patient that ALWAYS gets the best care.  Again, the patient’s word is taken at face-value and they always believe their patients without blame.  And doctors in real life can’t always solve what’s wrong with me or solve it quickly like on TV. 

So I guess I probably need to talk to my therapist.  But he’s new-to-me.  In March, the last time I met with him, I was mentally doing well, but physically a mess.  I was about to explain past traumas including my mother and other familial trauma, but Covid hit and I never rescheduled after an ER visit that caused me to cancel.  Now I regret that because there’s just so much more trauma that’s happened since March.

I mean, July.  I could write an entire book about that July hospital stay alone. 

My mind still spins when I think about the gastric emptying study.  The panic attack I had was so bad my legs stopped working.  I collapsed to the floor and couldn’t feel them for several hours.  Of course, I was accused of faking and of being crazy, which made it worse.  After I got back to the floor, one of my nurses recognized my panic and got the doctor to prescribe a lorazepam, and suddenly my legs worked again.  How am I supposed to process that?  I guess my therapist is supposed to help me, rather than the medical mystery-solving sleuths on ER. 

I guess I have a very important phone call to make on Monday. 

Yesterday, I also read an article about PTSD and political trauma.  For me, there are times I literally can’t watch the news or political coverage without having a panic attack.  I don’t understand how my brother and my parents can watch so much political coverage.  Maybe it’s similar to how I used to find SVU soothing – they find being informed and up-to-date soothing.  I find it alarming, overwhelming and I panic because I feel I have no control over it and it’s so messy.  The only way I can currently handle the news is through reading brief articles and watching people who make me laugh report on it- like Stephen Colbert.

Even the articles are starting to really bother me because I see the comments with them.  Social media is not my friend, as stupidity is triggering and I can’t see to help myself from arguing pointlessly.  As if yelling facts into the void of the internet will fix stupidity.  I need to remember what my Great Aunt Ruby always said, “You can’t fix stupid.” 

But part of me hates that – can’t we educate, inform and debate our way to progress?  Can’t I post enough truthful articles to change someone’s mind?  Can’t I explain how science works and how masks work and suddenly it’ll click with someone?  Can’t I beg and plead with them to have compassion and consideration?  Apparently not.  And trying so hard has worn me out, so I’m considering being mainly off of social medica for October.  What’s holding me back from deleting the app are my CF and transplant families.  I don’t really have any other connections to those people, and I need them in my life. 

The other reason I’m finding avoiding Facebook hard is I have so many friends I love who are currently pregnant or recently gave birth, and baby photos recharge my sou land give me life.  I love watching all your littles.  I love the innocence of children and the pure love they have for everything and everyone, and I can’t remove seeing that joy from my life.  I’m not going to completely delete my social media apps or anything, but I’m trying to avoid scrolling endlessly and arguing with people. 

And I need to let go of the arguing – I already voted for Joe Biden.  I already said my peace – well, I said a lot about why you should vote for Joe, too, and from where I am mentally right now, that’s all I can do.  So please keep fighting and loving and living to the best of your abilities, take care of your mental health, and spam me with photos of your lovely children.  I’m always up for private chats – video, phone, text, whatever.  So Facebook messenger and text are still great ways to get ahold of me while I’m trying to avoid the internet.  I will always be here for my friends and family – so don’t hesitate to contact me.