Learning To Live

My life has a strange learning curve. One moment I think I'm going along fine and then BAM! I'm sad. I'm obsessed with picking at my face. I'm a mess. I'm angry about it now. I want to change. I'm going to change. It may take a long time to get all these confusing things figured out - and I may just have to learn to be patient, because that is one thing I definitely am not. And so begins (or continues) my journey to learn how to live in my own skin. How to own up to all the crazy in my brain, the illness in my body, and the sorrow in my heart. I'm going to learn how to live with it all. -- Post From My iPhone

For the first time in my life I didn't spend Thanksgiving with my immediate family. Not like Thanksgiving was a huge deal in recent years. I don't remember the last time we went all out and got dressed up and used the good plates and had way too much food. I've never really been to a Thanksgiving with extended family - and if I have, I don't remember. So this year, I was disowned by my mother. I worried for months about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Honestly, I'm still worried about Christmas because I don't have definite plans. But that is a different story. Today, it's all about Thanksgiving. I spent Thanksgiving with my best friend Sarah Lynn. Sarah Lynn and I have been best friends since Kindergarten. She's possibly the best person on the planet. I arrived Wednesday evening at her apartment. We stayed up late looking through high school scrapbooks and catching up. Her boyfriend, Chris, awed me with his cooking abilities. Things I would nev...

"I don't want to be the one who dies." "Then be the one who lives." - Private Practice A pretty good motto, if I say so myself. I'm going to be the one who lives. Sometimes it is hard to see friends die - especially hard if they die from the same thing you've got. It's a complete battle but I'm ready to take aim and fight every day. It's what I was put here to do. Fight, and write a book about that fighting. (Everything else is just fun, but I sure do like the fun :-) )

• I broke down and called Mom tonight. It's complicated, but I have been missing her - when I went bra shopping yesterday, when I heard a sad song earlier this week. And today my nurse was a nurse from the hospital who my mother really likes. It's really hard to breakaway. • Bra shopping is awful and tiring but I did it! I found a comfortable 36DD that doesn't come up to my neck. • My friends are the absolute best!!! I love them! • If I had more energy I would dance a lot more! • What is your favorite thing to give as a hostess gift? I need ideas! -- Post From My iPhone

A recent photo of me. What it looks like when I'm trying to write my book. My first sweater!!! I've been knitting since 2nd grade and I'm just now trying to make a sweater. I'm excited!!!

Last night I watched the latest episode of "Glee." Spoiler alert, in case you haven't seen it yet. In the show there is a character in a wheel chair. There was a wonderful scene where he is singing "Dancing with Myself" and he's dancing. It was expressing how alone he often feels and how he deals with it and moves on. At least that's what I got out of it. Maybe it was because earlier in the day I had been discussing with a good friend the perils of dating when you have physical and/or mental issues. The scene made me particularly happy because in my life I am trying to learn to be happy by myself. I'm trying to learn to be my own best friend, my own significant other, my own support. Trying to find my own happiness doesn't make me any less frustrated with many people in the "normal," "healthy" population. A good friend of mine recently had a relationship end because the guy couldn't deal with her 'unresolvable ...

It is way too late for me to be up. This probably won't be cohesive, but here goes! Today I am argumentative. I'm pissed. I'm pissed at cystic fibrosis. I'm pissed that it has taken friends of mine away from me. Today I desperately pounded out an email to my dad: "I feel sad because nothing fits right anymore. I can't believe I have just one pair of jeans. And then I have some yoga pants, but they are more "I wear these around the house because they make me feel like I'm dressed." I just want to go spend money. Arg. I have the dreaded "shopping makes me happy" thing Mom has. I learned that Craig from Cedarburg died this past week. He was a senior when I was a freshman and he had CF. So I'm freaking out. And a blogger I follow, also named Lauren, died this week. She was FINE in June, and now she's gone. She was blogging about how she'd gotten her FEV1 up from 47% to 50 something %, and that's about where I f...

I am redoing my book. Revamping, reorganizing, rewriting. Ugh. The book that I had almost completed? The book that I was so close to finishing? Yes, that book. I got stuck. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to finish. So I sat around thinking about it. I asked some very wise people their opinions, and I came up with a solution. I will redo the book. My dilemma was mostly I didn't know what to say about my mother. I could write an entire book about our relationship and all the things that have happened over the years. My mother is crazy - but I say that knowing full well my mental screws are quite loose. One of the main differences is that I go to therapy weekly, have a psychiatrist, and am medicated. And I get along fine. The other issue was my book is mainly about learning to live (see title of blog), with Cystic Fibrosis. But I don't just have cystic fibrosis. CF is the hardest thing for me to hide. I can hide depression and PTSD. I can hid...

This post is for me. This is my list of things I want to/need to do to get ready to put up my holiday decorations! Put away fall decorations. Vacuum. Clean the couch and ottoman. Move the big round chair. List of things I need to do/get: New shoes. Candles. Pair of cords. Sadly, I'm not losing any weight yet. One pair of pants will not get me through winter. Shirt from Crazy Shirts. Because I deserve another cute winter shirt. Round shiny ornaments to make wreath or tree or something. Stuff for gifts for people. Order Photos. 8x10s, 5x7s, etc. I think that's it for now.

I found this video today. I usually watch Momversation videos because I am with children a lot, I enjoy the panelists, and it's just a really well-done site. This video hit home. I feel I can never do enough for depression and mental illness. Mental illness is horrible. I've said this before, but I have very little trouble living my life with my physical illnesses - my cystic fibrosis and my diabetes (not to mention the fibromyalgia, endometriosis, chronic migraines and something I'm sure I'm forgetting). I really don't mind them so much. I have to take medicine and do treatments, but those are okay. Sometimes I get angry or sad because this is the way my life is, but for the most part, I accept it. When I am not sufficiently medicated for my mental illnesses (PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc.) I am a complete mess. It's hard to put into words the difference between physical and mental illness, but I'm trying. Mental illness is all-consuming. You can...

I'm organizing my house. The WHOLE house. At first it was going well, but I think I started before I was babysitting regularly. Anyways, I started in the master bathroom - and it went well. It actually is still pretty organized. And my bathtub makes a GREAT clothes hamper. I have yet to put the actual hampers back in the bathtub. The hampers are still in the dining room. Oh, the dining room. What a mess. Apparently, my idea of organization is also decoration. As a way of organizing I have hung photos and decorations. It gets the photos up off the table and onto the walls. I call that organizing. I still have a few things to hang - like switching some photos out of my room and into the guest bathroom, and then hanging more personal stuff I have on that wall in my bedroom. I also have a memory board to hang in the den. And photos of me as a baby in the guest room. I should probably get at that. It would make me feel like I accomplished something fantastic, even thoug...

I like country music. Not gonna lie. I drive my brother nuts with my admiration of country. He starts to wail and scream if I pause on a country radio station in the car of if I want to listen to the country song that comes up on my iPod. What a baby. I listen to his crap, but that's not the point. Country music is catchy and has a good beat; those two together tend to leave me with the songs stuck in my head. In fall of 2004 I was a freshman in college. I had my own room and was able to listen to whatever I wanted. I became a big fan of Toby Keith's song "Stays in Mexico." Either that summer or the summer before I had seen Toby Keith in concert and had so much fun I became an instant and true fan. In November 2004 I had my appendix taken out. When I woke from the first surgery I made sure I still knew how to do double and triple integrals for my calculus midterm, and then I went back to sleep. The next day I nearly died from blood loss and had emergency sur...