It is way too late for me to be up. This probably won't be cohesive, but here goes!
Today I am argumentative. I'm pissed. I'm pissed at cystic fibrosis. I'm pissed that it has taken friends of mine away from me. Today I desperately pounded out an email to my dad:
"I feel sad because nothing fits right anymore. I can't believe I have just one pair of jeans. And then I have some yoga pants, but they are more "I wear these around the house because they make me feel like I'm dressed." I just want to go spend money. Arg. I have the dreaded "shopping makes me happy" thing Mom has.
I learned that Craig from Cedarburg died this past week. He was a senior when I was a freshman and he had CF. So I'm freaking out. And a blogger I follow, also named Lauren, died this week. She was FINE in June, and now she's gone. She was blogging about how she'd gotten her FEV1 up from 47% to 50 something %, and that's about where I float sometimes. I think I'm currently a little better than that. But in JUNE she was in the 50s and now she's DEAD. I know this stuff probably freaks you out, too, but I honestly have no idea what to do with the info. And then Lauren, who coded last weekend and is pretty much blind - possibly forever. I don't want that. I want to knit and write and read books. Maybe I will devote my life to watching tv/movies, knitting, and reading books ALL AT THE SAME TIME so that I can get it all in.
I'm working on my book, and that's good.
But I'm freaking out because people are dropping dead again. I want Mom to take me shopping and buy me lots of things I sort of need but just really want."
So I'm trying to process those emotions and I get side tracked. I end up arguing about abortion on facebook with people I don't even know. It sort of just feels good to be fighting. The fight is sort of turning into stuff about health care reform because someone said they didn't care about health care reform so I replied, "Well lucky you; healthy enough to not give a shit about how the govt changes health care."
So a little harsh there, but it only gets worse. And I sort of love it. I love the anger and releasing it on total strangers so I don't end up hurting myself because I'm in so much pain over the death of CF friends and my mother deserting me and pain for friends who are having a hard time.
And then someone says something stupid that doesn't make much since, so I reply:
"1. Sometimes you don't find out you're pregnant until it is too late for the pill. What if your life is in danger? Do you have to pay to have an abortion to save your life?
2. Before, I was simply pointing out that some people have the luxury of being able to deal with whatever the outcome of the health care bill is. Some people, like myself ... don't. I take about 20,000 pills per year. Who's going to pay for that if I get denied because of a pre-existing condition I've had since conception??? Shit has to get fixed."
And then another jerk says THIS. Wait for it, you will LAUGH. Knowing me and how mad this makes me will make you laugh, I promise. Okay, here it is:
"Carla, even the amendment in question had a provision for abortion coverage in the case of a life-threatening pregnancy. 55 pills/day is a bit of an exaggeration, also."
REALLY? YOU'RE GOING TO DOUBT THE AMOUNT OF PILLS I TAKE?!?!?! Sure, honestly, it's a few less than that, but not by much. It's about 50 a day. So I say this:
"Want to come to my house and count the pills? Come on on over! That's not mentioning all the IV antibiotics I do in a year. The hospital stays, my annual sinus surgery, etc. Come to my house and count my damn pills."
By this time I'm a little crazy, and if you're still following the conversation, KUDOS. Serious kudos.
I don't even want to go into the rest of the argument. It came down to him saying I was fine without a public option, so what does it matter? And I end up typing in all caps about the friends who are dropping dead from this disease. We need a system to make sure these people get their meds no matter what. I know a family that has two kids with CF and their main bread winner/holder of the insurance got laid off in August. It gets so complicated!!! And all these people deserve is a break. When you're sick you shouldn't have to worry about how you're going to pay for your treatment. It should just happen.
HEALTH CARE FOR ALL!
I think I'm done fighting for this evening, because I'm so tired I'm about to fall over.
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