Last night I watched the latest episode of "Glee." Spoiler alert, in case you haven't seen it yet.
In the show there is a character in a wheel chair. There was a wonderful scene where he is singing "Dancing with Myself" and he's dancing. It was expressing how alone he often feels and how he deals with it and moves on. At least that's what I got out of it. Maybe it was because earlier in the day I had been discussing with a good friend the perils of dating when you have physical and/or mental issues. The scene made me particularly happy because in my life I am trying to learn to be happy by myself. I'm trying to learn to be my own best friend, my own significant other, my own support.
Trying to find my own happiness doesn't make me any less frustrated with many people in the "normal," "healthy" population. A good friend of mine recently had a relationship end because the guy couldn't deal with her 'unresolvable issues.' What? Really? I know she's angry, but I'm angry for her too. Some things you just can't help, and it's really hard to be in a situation watching someone walk away because they don't want to deal with illness. And sometimes I secretly hope they end up with cancer so they know what illness is like. I don't wish a DEADLY cancer on them - but something they have to go through chemo for. Something that will make them completely dependent on other people for awhile. Something that will make them value life.
I wonder if it is a lack of strength in these people, or if they have unfound strength and they just aren't willing to find the inner strength to deal with an illness.
I hate dating. I absolutely hate it. Once I'm in a relationship I really enjoy it and am happy and things seem a little easier when I have a person to depend on, but the beginning of the dating I can't stand. I've written about this a lot, but it's a huge issue. Not just for me but for many people I know. I know several people who have gone through a double lung transplant, only to have their spouse leave them afterward. Apparently, they would have felt too guilty leaving when the person was dying waiting for lungs, but after they are in the clear to leave. I just don't know what to think about that.
But back to me. I hate dating. I hate the anticipation of the rejection that is coming. Because deep down I just expect the guy to get scared and run. It also seems that each time it happens I just get more angry about it and then I'm scared to date again because I don't want to be rejected because of my health. I already don't like the fact that I'm not perfectly healthy, I would just rather not have other people leave me because of my health.
I don't like having to explain all I've been through and all the issues I have. I get really anxious. It's terrible. I think I need to take some valium before I date. That's a good idea. I'd be completely relaxed, and probably reveal way more than I should on a first/second/third date. Maybe not such a good idea.
That is another issue. WHEN do I tell a guy about everything? I can't hide the CF and the diabetes. I take pills and insulin. I can hide all the other things, to an extent. When do I disclose exactly how much pain I'm in all the time? Or tell him about the trauma that resulted in my PTSD? Maybe I shouldn't tell him - except that I still have nightmares and the occasional flashback and how do I explain my quirky behavior? How do I explain all those trips to see my therapist?
If you have an answer, please share, because I am stumped about all of this.
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