Learning To Live

Today is Thanksgiving. Usually I love to post all the things I am thankful for and talk about them, but this year I'm not feeling completely thankful. I'm struggling with depression, which i hope is just situational because of the trouble with my mom and my friend. But i am thankful. I have some of the most amazing people in the world supporting me through all this. I have a wonderful job (that I need to blog about), and i have my miraculous health. I'm not completely healthy, but I'm much better than i was, and that is wonderful. I have a nephew who fills my heart with joy no matter how sad i am. I have my bonus siblings - Chris, Kyra, Sarah, and Chase, and i have my unwavering rocks, my brother, Darin, and my dad. I can't express how thankful I am for these people. They give me faith in the world and faith in myself. And maybe that's what I'm most thankful for - my ability to have faith in myself even when I'm being attacked. My faith in myself definit...

Recently things have been hard; it's been hard to get off my butt and do anything.  It's hard to not think about my mother or the friendship that got screwed up.  In hard times like these I try to turn to my angels and let them bring me what I need.  This post is going to be quote heavy, but it's how I feel and expresses best my emotions.  I try to live knowing, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you might just find, you get what you need." - The Rolling Stones.  The 2nd half of that quote was my senior quote for the yearbook in high school - because I couldn't fit the whole thing.  I honestly believe "If you try sometime, you might just find you get what you need."  Wednesday was probably my worst day.  I couldn't stop crying at work.  I came home early to go directly to sleep.  It was "Go straight to NAP. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200."  I couldn't handle the world anymore.  And then my pho...

 These are the beautiful words Kyra wrote about one of my recent posts.  After her comment, I will write a little about what she said.   Kyra S. has left a new comment on your post " Mental Me ": Someone once said "Just stop feeling that way!" Yeah. Right. I'll get right on that. I know it is hard because of your anxiety to just let it be unresolved (this is from a card carrying member of the anxiety club) but realize that you can. And every time your brain comes back to that "Oh no, I can't take it place" just reply calmly "Yes I can, cause I've nearly died and if I can survive that I can survive this." And just pretend you believe it. Your friend may never be willing or able to understand mental illness. Its hard for people sometimes when on the surface someone seems so healthy. Realize that your brain is fundamentally different than someone without PTSD. (And if anyone contradicts you, send them to the head...

I'm disowned again.  Maybe just for today or this week, or maybe for a long time.  So Oprah, Law & Order and I have a club.  I'm barely holding it together.  "Like a G6" helps. Awesome friends help - but I usually cry because they are so nice and wonderful to me.  Later I'm going to post the comment Kyra made on my last post because it is just too beautiful not to share.  The other thing that helps is that Katy Perry song "Peacock."  I can't stop watching the silly video I posted a link to last night in the middle of the night. Like Kyra said, I've almost died before, and I came back fighting from that.  I fight for my health all the time.  I can fight through this and survive. So that's what I'm doing today.  Trying to survive and to cry as little as possible.     

It's 3am and I'm up.  I'm up, listening to "Like a G6" and writing... well, waiting for inspiration and play Bejeweled.  I'm sort of a mental mess right now, and I have realized that my blog has become a play by play of my PTSD adventures, and I rarely write about my CF anymore.  That's because my CF hasn't really been a problem lately. I wrote in my last post about a fight with a friend and a trigger who is a person.  Well, it's escalated and I'm completely heartbroken. My friend sent me an email in which she completely ignored my PTSD, and from what I understand, she doesn't want to deal with it.  I don't usually do this, but I am putting up a quote from her email because it is what has me so upset. "A is my friend and I will invite A to events I host, and for now, you will not be invited when A is because I cannot trust you to behave appropriately." When I got this email I broke into sobs.  I can't be trusted...

I just saw a commercial saying 1 in 6 adults has a mental illness.  I am proud to be one of them - proud to have gotten treatment with therapy and medication and proud to continue to go to therapy and take my medications. I recently had an incident where I had what might be best described as a "flare up" of my PTSD, and it caused an argument between me and one of my best friends.  And I don't know how to help her understand my PTSD.  I don't know how to help any of my friends understand.  Some of my friends and some of my family are so unbelievably supportive, and some people just say the strangest, worst things imaginable.  My mother says many of those horrible things - but that's a different story.  My PTSD is here to stay.  I have triggers - things that make me nervous, uncomfortable and anxious.  Some things cause a bigger "flare up" than others.  I cringe every time I see a particular make and model of car.  There is one sport t...

I don't feel I have time to write a complete blog post.  So here is one in fragments... Loving life. Doing some volunteer secretary work and dance training. Taught first ballroom dance class - the waltz.  Went well. LOVE it.  Born to teach.  Thought someday I'd teach chem; teaching dance more fun, less work. Loving Luca - cutie who has stolen my whole heart. Love being MoH for best friend's wedding... planning things is so much fun! Doing dishes, laundry, knitting, quilting, knitting, dance, try to write but pretty much fail. Halloween my favorite.  Had great time dancing and partying.  Was Queen of Hearts - so great! Looking into small O2 concentrators so I can travel - nothing going to hold me back.  Going to live my life fully and fun.  Thanks fam and friends for making my life wonderful. The end.