It's 3am and I'm up. I'm up, listening to "Like a G6" and writing... well, waiting for inspiration and play Bejeweled. I'm sort of a mental mess right now, and I have realized that my blog has become a play by play of my PTSD adventures, and I rarely write about my CF anymore. That's because my CF hasn't really been a problem lately.
I wrote in my last post about a fight with a friend and a trigger who is a person. Well, it's escalated and I'm completely heartbroken.
My friend sent me an email in which she completely ignored my PTSD, and from what I understand, she doesn't want to deal with it. I don't usually do this, but I am putting up a quote from her email because it is what has me so upset.
"A is my friend and I will invite A to events I host, and for now, you will not be invited when A is because I cannot trust you to behave appropriately."
When I got this email I broke into sobs. I can't be trusted to behave appropriately. Untrue. Considering my mental illness, I am behaving in a completely appropriate manner. I will run from my trigger. I actually pride myself on acting mature and like a civilized adult. I am silly - but I know how to behave myself.
My friend is being unfair to me. It's how I feel. She won't talk things through with me - won't listen to my side, but as I was told this evening, what I say will probably fall on deaf ears unless my friend is ready to hear it. It's the waiting that is killing me. I am not the type of person who needs to cool down - I need to work things out immediately because otherwise they eat at me and I become a ball of mush who cries at work - I can't believe I cried at work today.
My friend is being unfair to me. It is completely not fair to not think about my PTSD and try to understand. "A" has done and said horrible things. "A" violated me. End of story. "A" is a serious trigger for my PTSD (thinking about coming in contact with "A" sends me into a full panic - which is what happened. We were both invited to a party - as a way to stop my panic attacks, I asked "A" if he/she would do me a favor and not show up to the party I really wanted to go to. "A" said fine. My friend is still mad. Still really mad, apparently.).
I have been told by three different mental health professionals to avoid "A" and to never be around "A" because I could relapse. The last time I relapsed was this past spring. I nearly checked myself into a mental ward, but instead went to stay with my parents for a week. *Side note - I brought this up to my mother today, and she didn't remember this at all. Thanks for the support, Mom. Like I said this is a side note but not a totally different story. Sort of like me talking about my triggers to her allows her to air her opinion that I should just "grow up and be an adult." Sure Mom, I'll work on growing out of a mental illness that went untreated for many years.
I don't want to relapse - and I feel there are a few special people who are keeping me from such a relapse. But I got the email from my friend this evening and I cried... from 9pm when I got home from work until 11 when I went to bed. And it was what Oprah and I call the "Ugly Cry." The sobbing so hard you can't breathe. Snot flying everywhere and the hyperventilating.
I had to call my brother twice - and luckily the 2nd time he had me watch a completely awesome YouTube video. You're welcome! And Thanks Darin!!!
So that video cured the Ugly Cry, but not the pain. I don't know what to do about the pain. One of my very best friends isn't speaking to me - and she won't even think about my PTSD. Listen to why I did what I did, or try to understand why I can't be around "A."
I want to feel like I'm a good friend - because right now I feel like I can't do anything right. I try so hard to fix things, to apologize when I screw up (which in this case, I did what I had to do - even if it was wrong. I had no choice. I had to stop the panic attacks somehow). I take my friendships very seriously because my friends are so important to me. My family could fall apart at any moment - my brother is going to move away. My mother is prone to uninviting me to things - like today, when I got myself uninvited to Thanksgiving. Maybe she'll cool down and I'll go, but I don't know. My dad gets irritated when I call too often (which is like, a daily occurrence). So I need my friends. And right now, I feel like a horrible friend.
Tonight I sent text messages and emails to my really good friends - the ones keeping me going. The ones I am truly thankful for and blessed to have in my life. I am trying to focus on the positive - like these people, but it's so hard. Why can't I just forget my friend and move on? Because she's in my core group of friends. She is one of the people I thought I could count on for anything. Someone I thought would understand mental illness - and apparently she doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand. And that just hurts so bad.
I want the pain to go away. Today it was pretty unbearable. After I found out Mom said she doesn't want me to come at all for Thanksgiving, I came home early from work and took a nap right up until the time I had to go back to the studio. I needed to curl up and hide from the world... and this was BEFORE I got the fabulous email from my friend. BEFORE the sobbing and the even worse pain.
Most of all, I want my friend back. I want things to go back to normal. I want to hang out with my friends and have a great time laughing and playing games or watching movies or whatever.
I want to feel whole again.
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