Saturday, November 20, 2010

So Lately

Recently things have been hard; it's been hard to get off my butt and do anything.  It's hard to not think about my mother or the friendship that got screwed up.  In hard times like these I try to turn to my angels and let them bring me what I need.  This post is going to be quote heavy, but it's how I feel and expresses best my emotions. 

I try to live knowing, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you might just find, you get what you need." - The Rolling Stones.  The 2nd half of that quote was my senior quote for the yearbook in high school - because I couldn't fit the whole thing.  I honestly believe "If you try sometime, you might just find you get what you need." 

Wednesday was probably my worst day.  I couldn't stop crying at work.  I came home early to go directly to sleep.  It was "Go straight to NAP. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200."  I couldn't handle the world anymore.  And then my phone started dinging.  Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. You've got Text Message.  So I got up to see who was obsessively texting me.  And it was three texts from a guy I hadn't heard from since August... and they were very sweet text messages.  Apparently, he's a blog lurker (HI!) and was worried about me.  I believe my angels sent him to check up on me.  More on him later... but....

And tonight I'm having trouble again.  Things with my mom still suck.  Things with my friend still suck.  And I'm not doing well on the path to loving myself completely like I wrote about in the last post.  I'm on my way to bed, but a song came to mind - and it's a song I really needed tonight.  I need to put myself "In the arms of the angels" and "fly away from here."

I feel like this song... and it is strongly tied to my memories of Ladybug.  And I am missing her tonight.  And I'm thinking about all my other angels and asking for their help.  So here are the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan's "Angel."

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here

"And maybe I'll find some peace tonight/ In the arms of the angel."

Love to all my angels.

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