I'm angry. I really wanted my FEV1 to be 56% today. It was 51%. I really want my FEV1 to get back up to the mid 60s, but at this point, I don't know if that is possible.
I'm working so hard to take care of myself I barely have time for anything else, and I still haven't improved, only maintained.
I'm angry I ever participated in the Vertex trial (and I'm still working on the big Vertex trial post... It's hard to write about). I'm angry that I'm not the only one this happened to. I'm angry I gave up something that was working to keep me healthy to try something else, and that something else made me worse. I feel really dumb for not sticking with what was working.
I'm angry that taking care of myself is taking so much time. I miss my friends. But I'm so focused on getting better I don't have much energy left after all my treatments, IVs, and exercise.
I need to take my anger and frustration and channel it back into doing everything I can for my lungs. I'm determined to get better. I won't accept these numbers. I'm going to keep fighting. I won't ever give up.