Yesterday I was on my way home from clinic in Milwaukee. I was feeling sad about my lung functions and something that happened to me on Thursday. Thursday I went to get my blood drawn, and at the lab there was a woman who looked so much like my friend Lauren it was scary. Except for the fact that she was pregnant (and Lauren and I used to compare our distended abdomens to see who looked more pregnant), I could have sworn it was Lauren. I almost said something to the woman, except Lauren passed away in 2011 and "Hey! You look exactly like my friend, but she's dead." is not the most tactful thing to say in public.
I was sure that seeing Lauren in that woman was a sign - a sign my lung functions would be up and I would be back where I want to be. But that didn't happen, and I was sad. I was sad for myself and sad because I miss Lauren. I was frustrated that she hadn't come through for me and given me the boost I thought I needed.
And then my iPod did something strange. Out of 2,000+ songs on my phone, just as I was thinking about Lauren, "MmmmBop" started to play. Hanson was her favorite band and I will always think of her when "MmmmBop" plays. I knew it meant she is still with me, and that maybe the lung functions not being where I want them to be is a push to work even harder. I thought I was doing as much as possible, but maybe I'm not. Maybe I can push myself a little more and get my lungs back where they should be.
After "MmmmBop" my iPod played "Dance in the Graveyards" by Delta Rae. It's a song and band my friend Kyra turned me on to, and I've heard it many times, but yesterday it just clicked. As I drove I put it on repeat and sang aloud and cried and eventually was washed over with a sense of peace and calm. I know I can win this. I know I can fight. I have to fight for all my angels no longer with us and all my angels on this Earth.
The following are the lyrics to "Dance in the Graveyards"
"Dance in the Graveyards"
When I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Oh my love, don’t cry when I’m gone
I will lift you up, the air in your lungs
And when you reach for me, we’ll dance in the darkness
And this song has made me want to throw a party. I want to dance and invite all my angels to come along. I can't wait until it gets warmer and I can do just that.
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