Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Honesty in Short Phrases

I want to be more open and honest about my mental issues/illnesses/craziness. Whatever you want to call it, I want to talk about it.

I was young. 10 years ago.
I thought I could handle it.

Is it my fault?

I've learned more and more of people who would have supported me. Was I wrong to keep quiet? Does it make it my fault?

The only thing I did wrong was keep quiet. He is the monster. I was ashamed. I am ashamed.

I am ashamed I still have problems so many years later. I'm ashamed I don't have an answer when people ask me why I didn't ask them for help.

I was ashamed. I thought I brought it on myself. I thought I would be okay.

I'm not okay.

What happened isn't okay. What the police told me isn't okay. The fact he is still alive and breathing isn't okay.

I understand how families feel when they want the death penalty for the offender. I want it.

I'm still afraid. I still cry. I still have nightmares. I still have flashbacks.

I want to work on all this in therapy, but please don't ask me to talk about it. It's horrible.

I want to be able to talk about it so I can advocate for women and girls, but I can't yet. Hopefully I'll get there.

I want to let go. Is it my fault I can't let go? Is it my fault these thoughts and dreams haunt me? Sometimes I feel it must be my fault. Why else would this happen? Why would this still be happening?

-- Post From My iPhone


Gina said...

I know how you feel! You can over come! Be strong! Blessings to you! Check this out

Gina said...

And don't be ashamed and it WASN'T your fault!!

the normal side of insanity said...

This is Marynell Lund, author of The Normal Side of Insanity. It sounds like you have more than your plate full at this time. It is good that you write whatever your heart desires. Keeping a journal is good too.
A child is pure love and innocent of any wrong doing. We have problems when we start viewing childhood incidents with an adult mind.
Just as I am sure you would love and nurture your own child in pain, someone should have been there to love and nurture you.
Know this, God does love us and even though we may not be able to reach out and touch Him, he is there for every step. Everything has a purpose and if we hang on He will reveal that purpose.
Not all of life will fall into a black or white catagory but a lot of life will fall into a gray catagory and that is ok. We need not ever know the why or why not but we can have control over today and control over our thoughts.
God Bless

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