I think I have determined my problem, but for the life of me I cannot come up with a solution.
I want to be the best. At everything.
My problem is I am too good at too many things - and yes, that is a very arrogant statement. But if I do something I am going to be good at it; that is the way my life has gone - it's who I am.
In high school, if I were a member of something, I had to be the best and/or the leader. Foresics team captain, band section leader, president of the Spanish club, etc. If I did it, I wanted awesomeness from myself. Not to mention I had to be awesome academically.
And I tried the same pattern in college, but I got too sick to continue that. So I lapsed into being the best at the things I could still do - the best knitter/quilter/crafter, the best sleeper, and the best patient in the hospital. That last one is sort of a joke. I knew how to get what I needed, but the staff would certainly not agree that I was a "good" patient. I think it says something like "difficult" in my chart, which basically means, "pain in the ass because she won't give up until she gets what she wants."
Now that my health is better, I still want to continue my crafts - and be amazing at them. I want to continue to write in my journal at a champion rate, and blog creatively, openly, and in a way that shows some sort of talent. I want to keep reading books that inspire me or get me thinking.
I have more to add now that I'm doing better. I think this might be the first time I have mentioned this in my blog, but I have a part-time job as a ballroom dance instructor. And I want to be the best ballroom dance instructor I can be. I've been making flashcards and studying the dancing and striving to learn as fast as possible so I can be THE BEST right now. I don't want to wait; I want to be good now.
So I put all those together and I'm swamped. But I still have a couple more things - the most important things - that I want to be THE BEST at. I want to be The Best friend I can be, The Best daughter/sister/granddaughter/cousin/auntie I can be, and The Best friend I can be. I think right now I'm having the hardest time fitting in this last part. I don't know how to fit in all my favorite people around my favorite hobby/job: dancing.
My new job seems to be taking and eating all my free time - well, the time when other people are free, mainly evenings. I'm free in the morning because I rarely work before 11 and I'm free in the afternoons, sometimes.
I want a way to better balance my time so that I can be The Best at all I do (even if it means being THE WORST at laundry and dishes and housework because those things are less important to me. I'd rather be The Best at everything else and have my house a mess!)
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