Lately I've been feeling really lucky.
A woman I knew online died. She was my age and had a double lung transplant but didn't have CF. The headline on her blog is "When life hands you an illness...spread it." I didn't know her well, but I did read her blog - and it's hilarious. I think illness makes you funny. It can make you profound and wise, as well, but the CFers I know are hilarious. Especially my friend Lauren. I've been thinking about her a lot lately, and I know she's not doing so well. Even though she's pretty sick she can still make me laugh really hard.
One of my favorite memories of Lauren is going with her and a friend to Perkins. Our waiter was "Sean" but she kept calling him "Seen" because of the way his name is spelled. I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants that night - and it's always that way when you're around Lauren. I would love to be that funny - maybe someday if I'm that sick I will be. Maybe it's something you learn from being so sick all the time.
I'm so lucky it makes me cry sometimes. I'm able to work part-time and spend time with my family and friends and I feel like I'm truly alive. I haven't always felt this way; when I spent all my time waiting to get sick, for example. But now I don't focus on breathing or how difficult it is to breathe because I'm not so worried about needing IV antibiotics and being hospitalized.
There are times I'm actually bored - and not because I'm laying around sick. It's because I'm not really sure how to spend this energy I have. Sometimes I'm torn between spending the energy or saving it up. Most days I feel like spending it - I have it, it's a gift, I'm going to use it!
I feel so lucky - and it's an amazing feeling. Try and think about why you're lucky, I guarantee it can make you feel so much better. I may not be funny, but I am lucky.
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