Learning To Live

So I finished writing this, I think. Here you go: The other night I was at a party, and as everyone was sitting around the campfire chatting the topic turned to pain and IVs somehow. I really don't think I had anything to do with this topic change, surprisingly. One of my friends commented on how much it hurts when an IV is pulled from your hand. I assured them that it's much more painful when the PICC line running from your elbow to your heart is pulled out. All 54cm of it. Another friend of mine commented on how much her back hurt - and my first instinct was to throw her out of her chair for even mentioning back pain. The second instinct? Show her what real pain is. But I would have no idea how to inflict this much pain on someone. I'd have to call my old buddy Himmler. My back pain is so bad that I can barely stand. Sitting for long periods of time hurts. So mostly, I lay around. This morning it hurt so much I couldn't get out of bed. I literally couldn...

This afternoon I think I might spit out all the crap I'm feeling. I haven't been blogging because I don't really want to talk about what has been going on. Because if I talk about it then that makes it real and I really don't want any of this to be real. I have fallen off my wagon of goodliness, and I don't know how to get back on. I'm running behind it trying to catch up and every time I reach for it to jump on, I fall on my face. I'm at the point where I need to decide whether to just lay face first in the dirt, or if I'm going to get up and try to get on my wagon of goodliness again. ...I may censor what I have to say about some things, however, because I don't want to piss off most the people I know. ...And yes, Kyra , I would love to have a guest rant from you :-) I think this blog needs a little Palin-Bashing. Wait and see! One very pissed off rant about the world coming up!

*I'm too sick to care. *My throat hurts. *I am bored. I'm tired. I want to feel better. *I can't watch Dancing with the Stars without crying now. I want to go back to dancing so badly. *I'm done now.

A few years ago there was a terrible winter storm at my grandparents' farm in IL. Beautiful, but awful. Click on these top two - it's WORTH it! Welcome to Nowhere, USA. A tree nearly hit the house.

I got this: "Carrots, Eggs, & Coffee! A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again. A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished t...

The very first plant I took care of while living on my own. I'm only on plant #2, because I'm terrible at it. But this one lasted a couple years.

*My dad is a wonderful person. He gets me and knows how to help and why can't he live closer to me??? And why can't my mother live farther away??? *I'm thinking of a family friend who is in critical condition at a hospital in Austin, TX. Her mother is one of the best female role models I had growing up - especially in high school. If you're the praying type, please pray for this family. They are really good people, and I've known them since I was born. *I have a friend who is the coolest chick I know. She oozes coolness, and I'm kinda jealous. Not kinda jealous - really jealous. I was going to write a long essay on this - about how no matter what I do, I just don't FEEL cool enough. I think I picked this complex up in elementary school. *I'm tired. And yes, I'm physically tired, but that's pretty normal. But right now, I'm EXHAUSTED. And it won't go away. I was so happy post-surgery when I was getting shit done and dancing an...

Yes, my mother left this morning. Do I feel bad about openly calling her the "Evil Bitch" in my public blog (that my father reads)? A little. Not bad enough to take it down. I don't know what her problem is, but I think I need to find ways to keep her away from me when I'm sick. It's convenient for her to come down because she doesn't work, and heck, she's my mom, but as soon as I'm feeling a little better we fight. No, we don't fight so much as she yells at me about everything and then there's a point when I can't take it anymore so I yell mean thing back - like yesterday I told her that her life consists of sitting on the couch with the dog. Oops. Then she informed me of all the chores she does. Chores aren't a life, Mom. Having friends or some activity you really love (besides the Home and Garden Network on Television) is a life. I don't want my life to stop just because I have to be on pain pills because without them th...

Me being nerdy - I love the periodic table! Last winter... snow came before the leaves could go away. :-(

*What's so wrong with the "New Facebook"? I find it just as annoying as the old one - although I spend less time on applications with this format - so I probably waste less time overall. *Shit, I forgot. That's the drugs that just kicked in. Goodnight.

My mother is here. End of the screaming story.

That's all. I'm frustrated. It sucks. At least the pain pills work, but it means my mother has to be with me all the time because I can't drive. Tomorrow is the FIFTH day in a row that I have to go to the doctor. I'm thinking about somethings too much and I hate that. Good thing the pain killers leave me with little ability to think. Yay.

I am right now calling the ob/gyn clinic because I am beside myself and don't know what to do. This is ridiculous. Yesterday they told me nothing helpful and sent me home to lay on the couch in terrible pain until THURSDAY? I can't do this. I'm so desperate to have someone help me. I'm in so much pain. I hate being alone when something is wrong. I don't know what to do. My biggest fear is being alone, in pain or sick, and no doctor will help me. And they won't help me. I have a fever - I never run a fever. There is something terribly wrong with me and no one will help me. I just want to SCREAM.

This is me complaining because I won't complain anywhere but here. I don't want to lay on the couch in pain anymore. I am tired of rotting my brain with stupid television (yes, I've already watched everything worth watching... twice. Honestly, I've seen nearly every episode of Law and Order. That is how much television I watch). When I read my book I fall asleep. I'm tired of sleeping all day, eating dinner, maybe doing something in the evening - but usually waiting by myself in front of the television until it is 9pm so I can go to bed. I want to dance again. Well, I'm still dancing - I just dance until I nearly pass out from pain. GOOD STRATEGY, Carla. Well, fuck you, voice of reason in my head. I want to sort the rest of my stuff so my house is organized. FUCK I'm so close - and I can't finish it. I want this to go away. It's not something that was in my CF contract. I got it out and looked. Pelvis pain is NOT in there. Dying from lung dis...

I called it a "scapula" - it's a "speculum." Scapula is your shoulder blade. Although THAT would make for an interesting pelvic exam. Thanks, Dad.

I called my OB/GYN at 8 this morning to see if I could get the elusive "emergency spot." I couldn't. "Today is the Doctor's first day back, and she is unbelievably busy." I'm in an unbelievable amount of pain. Who trumps who. She trumps me. I got to see the nurse practitioner. She told me that my cervix could look normal. It just happens to be sensitive and so I bleed a lot. Apparently, she touched it and it started to ooze blood. Yes, ooze blood were her words. So basically she told me I'm fine. I said, "What about this unGodly pain I'm in?" Which made her stop and think. Poke poke poke. Scream scream scream. She says, Well you could have cysts on your ovaries - they can be painful. Or you could have endometriosis. The doctor would need to do surgery to determine that. So my options are surgery or live with the pain? What the fuck? Are there or aren't there endometrial cells on my cervix? I'm guessing bumping ...

This is me with a PICC - It was spring 2007 sometime because that was the last time I had a PICC. I now have my port, which is so much better because after a PICC you get lovely holes like this: And then they get infected and you worry your arm is going to fall off or you are going to die from sepsis. Makes a quick trip through the ER though. If you look closely, you can see where the biopatch was (allergic to that now... you can see the edges were irritated), and you can see the mess the tegederm makes of my skin. And after today, these are my FOND memories. I am convinced that in my past life I was a TOTAL bitch, because karma doesn't bite this hard unless it's for a reason. My favorite part of today was that the SPECULUM BIT ME. That's right. I got bit by a speculum. And it has left a nice painful tear in my skin. Here's to hoping it heals quickly. In my last post I mentioned that I was going to urgent care to rule out a bladder/kidney infection. Well, they...

This is alcohol on fire. Yay. This is how I feel. No, maybe I feel worse than this. At any rate, if they told me tomorrow I have to go into the hospital, I wouldn't fight them. I was able to go to UWMBDA tonight. I was able to do my council duties that I have neglected the past week. Now I just have to enter all the members into a database - which should be easy. I danced a little, but not too much since I am running a fever. And the pain. OW the pain. Tomorrow I have to go to urgent care to make sure I don't have a bladder/kidney infection. If they tell me I'm not dying, I'll be at dance practice. If they tell me I'm dying, I'll probably still be at dance practice. No time like the present!

This one time, I broke open a coconut.