In My Past Life I was a Total Bitch

This is me with a PICC - It was spring 2007 sometime because that was the last time I had a PICC. I now have my port, which is so much better because after a PICC you get lovely holes like this:

And then they get infected and you worry your arm is going to fall off or you are going to die from sepsis. Makes a quick trip through the ER though. If you look closely, you can see where the biopatch was (allergic to that now... you can see the edges were irritated), and you can see the mess the tegederm makes of my skin. And after today, these are my FOND memories.

I am convinced that in my past life I was a TOTAL bitch, because karma doesn't bite this hard unless it's for a reason. My favorite part of today was that the SPECULUM BIT ME. That's right. I got bit by a speculum. And it has left a nice painful tear in my skin. Here's to hoping it heals quickly.

In my last post I mentioned that I was going to urgent care to rule out a bladder/kidney infection. Well, they ruled that IN, and for fun decided to do a pelvic exam. Oh yeah, this is going to be fun. Stop reading now if you're squeamish. Well, if you were squeamish those photos should have stopped you anyways, so I'm not too worried.

They mentioned "pelvic exam" and I went, "What, TODAY?" Yes, today. I had to take off my bottoms and hop up on the exam table so I could cover myself with a cold sheet. Then a doctor I had never met was sent in to look up my "va-jay-jay" as Oprah says. And not just look - "Examine."

I've never had any problems with my annual pelvic exam - actually I've usually had more than one a year because we were trying to figure out the cause of the mysterious bleeding. I've never had any problems with the exams - but then, I've never had any real complaints besides the excessive never-ending bleeding. I've even had an internal ultrasound. That's right a giant dildo-shaped ultrasound thingy had to be inside me. And they don't warm those things. That's when they found some sort of "mass" in my uterus. It went away.

So back to today. First the doctor determined that I have "broad tenderness." If that's what doctors call Tons of MotherFucking Pain in the Pelvic Area, sure, okay, it's "broad tenderness." Now it was time for the internal exam. She decided to take a sample of the inner tissue to make sure it's not infected and I was tested for chlamydia and gonorrhea. Those last two are going to be negative.

The speculum was cold. I had just been told I probably have a bladder infection. The scapula hurt - it has never hurt before - and then she had to ADJUST it. Oh. My. God. I thought I was in pain BEFORE that exam. I nearly passed out afterward. Apparently she moved the scapula to see the entire cervix. There is a large mass on my cervix. After she touched it with her gloved hand - which nearly made me scream in pain - she told me "It's probably not cancer because it's not hard."

Good. A large mass on my cervix confirming I have endometriosis - assuming that it ISN'T cancer. Right.

I don't know if I mentioned it here, but I was assuming this pain was endometriosis - it's a lot of random pain and random bleeding, and it seemed to be the only explanation. Sometimes I hate it when I'm right. Especially when me being right has the most complicated solution.

Thank you, TLC, for helping me diagnose myself. I was watching one of those medical mystery shows, and I saw lots of my problems in this woman who ended up having endometriosis, so I read more about it and figured it's what I have. And, shit I was right.

Hopefully I will get an appointment tomorrow and learn what my treatment options are. I really don't want the word "surgery" to come up. Damn.

Well, all I can do is wait until tomorrow. And then take things as they come. But at least, if I have to have a mass, it's a squishy mass.