Thursday, January 31, 2008

Do I Have To?

I don't particularly feel like talking about what has happened today, so here's the short version:

I lost my CF doctor - he told me that if I wasn't going to take his word as law then I need to find a new CF doc.

My CF doc told me I was crazy, Spiriva couldn't cause the problems I am having, I'm crazy, my parents are in denial that I am crazy, I'm crazy, my psych meds are causing my problems (then why when I stopped the Spiriva did I start to get better), I'm crazy, he is right I am wrong, I'm crazy, there's no way I could have a lung infection, and oh yeah, I'm crazy. Turned out I was right and he was wrong.

I was right - I'm sick with a lung infection and I'm now on IVs.

I went without my O2 for most of the day!!! (That's the ONLY good thing that happened today)

Because my CF doc wouldn't see me in clinic or even order a simple set of PFTs for me I spent 6 hours in the ER. (He wouldn't order them b/c they "wouldn't tell him anything." - well they told me and Dr. Meyer that I was sick enough to need IVs)

What a waste of money and time. I could have spent an hour of the day at the hospital: 10 minutes for PFTs, 10 minutes for a port access and 40 minutes to sort out the IV orders. And I would've had the rest of the day to rest at home.

My mom went crazy psycho on me again - and I just don't want to talk about this at all. It's horrible to think that I don't have anyone but my father on my side. And he's only around when Mom will let him be around.

Okay, I guess I do want to discuss this a little more.

Today was honestly one of the worst days of my life. Today and that time that Mom accused me and emma of sleeping together - that was a pretty bad day - and the day we did the science project and it didn't turn out and Mom accused me of trying to hit her and then she chased me to my room and tried to break down the door and threated to go get the ax, and Dad had to tell her we don't have an ax, and then after several hours I had to apologize. That, too, was a shitty day. But today was shitty all around.

My pulmonologist - someone I am supposed to trust and have confidence in b/c he's taking care of the disease that's killing me - accused me of being crazy, and went ape shit on me for not agreeing with him and for sticking up for myself. So I lost my CF doc. At least I still have my Mom and Dad to stick by me.....

Until Mom goes ape shit on me tonight and makes me doubt that Dr. doPico is the crazy one and makes me think that maybe it is me. So I feel all by myself again and I can't stand it.

And for some reason the worst part of today was not when she was in my face yelling at me or when I started to sob while on the phone with Dr. doPico, but when I saw Mom's grocery list. I noticed it because she had crossed out several things. I looked closer, and they were the things I need - Vitamins and Kleenex. For some reason that hurt the most.

So now I will go to bed and try and forget that today ever happened.

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