Although it is 6:15pm I have now convinced my body it is morning by using my SAD light - the light that mimics the sun to fight seasonal depression. Since I have been out of the house once in the last week I may be suffering a little from cabin fever and lack of sunlight. And I have to admit I do feel a little better after using my light, but not well enough to finish the laundry I started last weekend. Either yesterday or the day before I washed load 2 of 3, but I haven't gotten around to drying it for 8 minutes and then hanging the clothes to dry the rest of the way. At least I'm keeping up with the dishes. I'm failing at everything else - including staying awake - but at least the dishes aren't piling up.
My first team dance lesson of the semester is tomorrow and I'm very nervous. I have no idea if I'll have the energy to get there, let alone dance. I'm vice-captain of the team and I have no idea if I'll have the energy to dance this semester. I'm also on council for the social ballroom club, UWMBDA, but I can't handle the stress of the position. I honestly didn't think they would be fighting this much over the silliest things. "Do we cancel the dance, don't we cancel the dance?" I didn't know something like that could take 50 emails to resolve.
I'm already stressed because I don't know what to do to feel better. I might be depressed (which is common, especially with all I've had to deal with recently), or I might need O2 during the day - and like Tony, one of my home health nurses said today, I'm not willing to think about that because it would be admitting that I am sicker than I want to be. I know people with lung functions much lower than mine who don't need oxygen during the day. Then there is also the issue of never going anywhere if I need oxygen all the time - oxygen is annoying. It will become the bane of my existence.
My blood work showed that I'm sating correctly during the day so my doc said I don't need O2 during the day - and Tony pointed out, "when was the last time YOU listened to a doctor?" Right. I never listen to them - and in a different way then you would think. And in a different way than my mother thinks. I do my treatments. I would be dumb not to. I don't enjoy being sick - so I do my stuff. I usually don't like to listen to the docs because I know what's wrong with me and they don't. I know what I need and they don't, so I don't listen to what they have to say and I get what I need on my own.
I wish I had the pulse ox thing like I wanted when I got O2 in the first place... but the insurance wouldn't pay for it. I'm so frustrated with the insurance, my parents and my grandparents. My grandfather is just cheap. I have asked for his help to pay for the little O2 concentrator so I can travel and he is "thinking about it", which to me doesn't sound too promising. He can bail my cousins out of legal trouble, but he can't help with my health. That's frustrating.
The Happiness Vacuum is the same - doubts me and my ability to take care of myself, doubts my ability to go to Europe this summer, and fails to understand how much I need her support. She is in denial and apparently didn't get the message in the three page letter I sent her. What else can I do?
At least I am sleeping better. I don't know if the sleeping is helping, but at least I'm sleeping better.
I'll figure all of this out eventually. I just need to be more patient, but I find it very hard to be patient when I would rather just get things done and be bouncy again.
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