Friday, February 12, 2010

Mission: Ignore

The pain I'm experiencing is familiar. I've felt it before. Pelvic pain and lower back pain. It's not as bad as it was then, but it's the same. And it's the same in the way that I am starting to not be able to stand for very long. Back when I first had this pain we never truly discovered what was causing it. I was treated with a drug that put me into menopause, and the pain (and constant 'down there' bleeding) went away.

So, let's make this really long story a shorter one. The magical drug only had a few side affects like lactation, hot sweats, and Brillo Pad facial hair. After adding another med to help my bones, the hot flashes went away. But I've been able to enjoy the Brillo Pad facial hair and the lactation for the last year and 1/2. Have you ever been able to squirt milk across the room with your nipples? I didn't think so. I often felt like the FemBots in Austin Powers. If only it were something deadlier than milk...

But I really enjoyed the magical drug because the pain went away and I wasn't constantly bleeding. And as a bonus, I had no period. WOOT! And because this drug was a good thing (with a fun, squirt gun side effect), the insurance company said it wouldn't pay for it anymore. I'm not going to get into details. They said no, we said but, I need it. They said no again and now we're in a pickle. It's a very expensive magical drug.

So I go to the doctor and we decide to try the option that I was afraid to try in the first place because I was pretty sure it wouldn't work. An IUD. And when they tell you that you will feel a little cramping when it's put in, don't believe them. It is A LOT of cramping. My uterus screamed, "WOAH! What the hell?!?!" and then tried to expel the thing for the rest of the day. Crampity cramp cramp. It wasn't terrible...

Until now. I'm starting to bleed again. That constant annoying bleeding. It's like my uterus is pretending to bleed. "Am I going to shed my lining or not? Fooled you!!!" And I'm not laughing. The bleeding is more annoying than anything. I've dealt with it before - I bled for more than a year straight.

The bigger issue? The pain. Now, as I said, I recognize this pain. But instead of being negative and focusing on the facts of what will happen if the endometriosis is back (that's my "pretend" diagnosis because it can't be officially diagnosed without surgery, and I said, "No Thank You" to that). This time I'm going to refuse to give up my dancing no matter how much it hurts to stand up. And I'm going to keep living my life. Duh. My lungs are healthy. I'm not going to stop going at this pace just because of some excruciating pain that made me nearly couch-ridden.

No. Right now I am being positive. I am certain this pain isn't the same pain. I'm just afraid that it is and my brain is tricking me. And if my brain isn't tricking me and the pain is real and the same pain, it's just because the IUD hasn't had time to affect my hormones yet.

I have hope that the IUD will work. This pain will go away and the bleeding will stop. On a completely unrelated note, I also have hope that I will fall back into a normal sleeping pattern and I will be much less tired. And then I will be able to work more on my project - the world's best quilt.

I'm going to focus on working on the quilt and dancing and the kids I babysit for and ignore all pain and bleeding. Ready. Set. IGNORE!!!

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