Tonight was a fun-filled evening, and I had a pretty good day, but I thought I'd take the opportunity to fill in my thoughts on certain aspects of my Friday.
10:30 am: Wake up
"Shit, I have to leave in an hour for my appointment."
10:45 am: Nurse calls
"Shit, I don't have time to eat breakfast."
12:15 pm: In with therapist
"Shit, I have nothing I want to talk about."
12:30 pm: Complaining about a person I'm not getting along with to therapist
"I can't believe he just suggested that I 'teabag' her... but the idea of her receiving random tea bags in the mail everyday is amusing."
1 pm: Arrive home
"Shit, breakfast time and then nap."
4:30 pm: Wake up
"Shit, I don't think I can get out of bed. Shit. Must take shower, get dressed and be downtown in 1.5 hours. Shit. I really don't think I can get out of bed. Must take Tylenol. Must get out of bed. Ow."
6:10 pm: arrive late, walk from Union to cafe.
"Shit. This walk is longer than I thought. Fuck off, I'm not in mood to deal with you people and your healthy lungs. Fuck you for picking a restaurant that is on the 2nd floor and far away."
6:15 pm: Arrive at cafe
"Shit. I can't breathe. Shit. I'm not hungry."
6:55 pm: Suggestion made that we run to the union to make it to the dance lesson on time.
"Shit. Well, fuck you, I don't run. I barely walk. Fuck you and your healthy lungs."
7:01 pm: Walking down the stairs - two persons complaining about legs being sore from working out.
"Shit. There is no fucking way you are in as much pain as I am and I'm never going to say anything about it. Because that's not what I do. I feel like I've been hit by a truck."
7:10 pm: At Union - showcase for the dance team I got kicked off of last year.
"Shit. I don't want to be here. God Damn It. They still use the donation box I made. I don't want to be here. God Damn It. I can't believe this. I don't want to be here."
7:59 pm: Watching the few attendees of the dance mingle and interact.
"Hahahahahahaha. There is absolutely no one here. Karma's a bitch. I love that the team that kicked me out can't get people to come to their showcase. Schadenfreude, bitches."
8 pm: Standing around doing a lot of useless nothing.
"Shit. They want to take their car and I want to take mine. I hate riding by myself. I feel left out."
...We arrive at the place where we're going to watch the dueling pianos show, and this show is probably one of my favorite things to do EVER. I LOVE it. I know all the songs and sing along and it's a crazy good time. I'm in a much better mood, and yet, I still can't help these thoughts:
11:24 pm We're discussing when we should leave - they want to go, I don't. I call them party poopers, and one of my friends says, "Well some of us don't get to sleep all day."
"Shit. I'm going to cry. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. I don't think he meant it that way, but FUCK, all I've ever wanted was a career and enough energy to do anything but sleep through a gorgeous day like today. Focus on the music, Carla. No crying. No crying. No crying."
11:35 pm My friends across the table are falling asleep and I want to stay until 2am.
"Shit. The one night I have energy to last the whole time and I want to stay and just be normal, and my friends poop out on me. Are you kidding me? This is my favorite outing, I'm having a fabulous time, and you want to make me leave. Really? You can't let me feel normal for an evening? I'm going to have to give in and be a nice human being and take them home. Shit."
Today I slept all day except for the hour I was at the therapist. I wanted to be outside in the fabulous weather. I finally got out of bed and showered. I made it to dinner out of breath, but I made it. I forced myself to eat. I forced myself to be civil for the hour we were at the dance when I really just wanted to destroy everything. I got to go to the event I truly love - all my favorite music and singing along and it doesn't take a ton of energy.
I'm really glad I found the energy to go, despite how awful I feel. Awful in the every part of my body hurts kind of way, not in the my lungs are so bad I need IVs kind of way.
And apparently, the dialogue in my head really enjoys swearing.
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