Saturday, November 22, 2008

Speed

There is a Montgomery Gentry song called, "Speed." The lyrics describe how I feel today. It's how I've felt for most of this home IV experience. It seriously makes me wonder whether home IVs are better, or if going into the hospital for 2 weeks is better. Why does time go faster in the hospital?

Anyways, the lyrics I'm thinking of go like this:

"I'm tired of spinning my wheels
I need to find a place where my heart can go to heal
I need to get there pretty quick
Hey, mister, what you got out on that lot
You can sell me in a pinch
Maybe one of them supped-up muscle cars
The kind that makes you think you're stronger than you are
Color don't matter, no, I don't need leather seats
All that really concerns me is

Speed
How fast will it go
Can it get me over her quickly, zero to sixty
Can it outrun her memory
Yeah, what I really need is an open road
And a whole lot of speed"

I've been so frustrated during this round of IVs I feel like I need to run away. So I'm going to go spend a week at my parents' place.

Why I've been frustrated is confusing - and I don't even know how to describe it. All I know is I'm lonely. I've had someone with me the whole time, but most of this round of IVs I have felt lonely.

I miss my friends. I have been thinking about my CF a lot lately, and I don't know what to do. I have talked with my best friend about my CF, and I know it is painful for her - and sometimes I just don't want to tell her I'm sick because I don't want to cause her pain. At the same time, I know that if I really needed her, she would be here for me. Chris and Kyra are always here for me - they are family and I don't worry about how they will react and they have come to visit me.

It's everyone else I'm worried about. I don't know whether to let them know I'm sick and ask them to visit me (because this time it hasn't worked...), or to leave them alone and just hang out with them when I am healthy.

I've been thinking about transplant, and I wonder if when I'm much closer to dying, will more people gather around me, or will they run away so they don't have to deal with the emotions???

1 comment:

with <3 said...

wow this is a pretty deep post, i think everyone can relate to what your saying. I think for me personally when i'm on iv's it shows me how much my life is dependent on those around us. I understand your feeling but i think this is just a hard time for you. We all have been there and i don't mind a nice email venting about how you feel. keep me in mind. hope your stay at your parents makes you feel better. my email is cupcakecutie@live.com

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