Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Fleeing: A Rant and An Apology

First, I lost my "Women for Hillary" button. This makes me terribly sad - as does the speed at which my computer is typing. I'm typing about a sentence faster than my computer can handle and it's pissing me off.

But back to the button. Maybe it's time that I give up on my Hillary button - but still, I love that button.

I went to MST3K night tonight, after having slept all day. Literally, I woke up at 7:30am, ate breakfast, wandered around my house aimlessly, and then went back to sleep. I woke up at 1pm, wandered around, ate lunch, wandered around, went back to sleep. I woke up at 6pm, had dinner and then went to hang out with people.

I really didn't find hanging out with people that enjoyable. It helped some, but then I realized how much fun I wasn't having. There was back rub exchanging going on and I just sat there. I didn't say anything, I didn't participate, I just sat there knitting.

And then I found myself sobbing on the way home. I was driving on the freeway and started bawling. Good place to cry your eyes out. :-\.

I feel so empty.

I'm sorry. There are so many things I should be doing. I should be fundraising, and I should be working on things for UWMBDA, and I'm not. I have things to do for the CF Support group, and they have a meeting tomorrow night and I don't want to go. So I'm not going. And tomorrow night is games night but I'm sad so I won't go. And Saturday is UWMBDA and it's my favorite lesson - the Salsa en Rueda, and I'm not going because I'm afraid I won't have the energy. I'm terrified that people are going to notice that I'm not my usual self. I'm terrified that I don't have enough lung power to do the things I want to do, so I don't even try. I sleep instead.

I hate this. This is all because I had to go off my antidepressant because it interacted with my IV antibiotic. I hate feeling like this.

All I ever want is to feel better, and it always seems like no matter what I do, I always feel sick. Right now I'm mentally sick. I think this is even worse than physically sick because right now I have all the physical energy I get, but I can't use it because I'm so mentally screwed up.

So I'm sorry, but I have to flee. I'm going to go stay with my parents for a little while and my brother will bring me back here around Sunday. Hopefully I will be feeling better because I can't stand this any longer.

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