Finding Me

Today I found productivity. Today I found me. I had been hiding - somewhere deep inside because the depression had taken over. It takes a lot of energy to fight the depression (and medication doesn't hurt). Finally I feel like a person again. I feel like I am back and enjoying things and I have goals and desires and normal worries. I don't have the all-encompassing self-doubt and worry and worthlessness. I no longer feel like nothing I do will get me anywhere. I feel like I can move the world - and that's how I like to be.

Today I re-started my quest to make a big impact on the world. I became productive again.

Today I set out on a quest I started last summer or fall. I had a bag (think kitchen trash bag) full of papers that needed to be sorted. I sorted them all and threw away most of it, and organized the rest into piles and then put them away.

I finally put my decoupage magazine holders to use - I use one for papers and notes I have on things to write about for my book or the blog. There are so many I think I'm going to try and take one daily and expand on it or just write the crazy thing I jotted down that I now have no memory of.

My desk is clean. I made the bed in the den. It nearly killed me but I did it. I cleaned the secretary off (so it closes again), and the living room is very nearly back to looking nice. It's going to take a little more work, but it's almost there. The den needs a little work too, but not much.

I need to put away my IV stuff, but that isn't too hard.

Last night I poured meds and filled out a survey for a study I'm in - things I've been wanting to do for WEEKS.

I can't believe I found the productive me - I thought maybe I was lost forever. That's the way I feel anytime I'm having problems mentally. The mental problems are the worst - on a really bad CF day I can get out of bed and do something like watch TV, but on a really bad depression day I can't get out of bed and I can't watch TV, all I can do is sleep.

I have a headache, but I think it's because my brain isn't used to this much activity. That, or my sinuses hate to work and the mucus is in there rebelling. From the pain, my guess is they've got a riot going on and someone set off some teargas and it's all chaos. I just hope the police arrests the motherfucking mucus and sends it on its way out.

I'm going to go back to rolling yarn into balls now - something I've finally gotten around to.

Baby, I'm BACK.

Comments

Tiffany said…
This is wonderful to hear. I'm so happy you are feeling a zest for life again. I know I certainly have lived these cycles countless times in my 35 years. I now know that both the "good" and the "bad" phases will pass, no mood is permanent, but it sure feels nice to be in the productive mode! For me, the trick is not panicking if/when I slip back into feeling blah and trusting I will find my way back eventually.
All my best.
March 4, 2009 at 8:47 AM
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