Sunday, March 8, 2009


I got home tonight and my brother is gone. I know we both left around the same time this morning, but when I got home way past midnight I sort of forgot he wouldn't be here.

And I'm scared. This blog has turned into me facing my fears lately, or maybe even me not facing them, but complaining about them instead. I have spent the last week with my brother. Almost every minute was spent with him. I would consider moving wherever my brother ends up because he is that important to me - and we have a much better relationship when we are together in person.

When Darin and I are apart and I try and call him he seems annoyed. We don't really email or talk online like I would like to - I want to know everything like I know everything when we're together. This past week has been so much fun and I've gotten so much done, it's really how I want my life to be. Basically, I want to be like Will and Grace.

My brother is very good at compartmentalizing things and not getting too upset. He mentioned that he learned to do it when I was in the hospital so much while he was in high school. But sometimes I wish he would call me a little more often, or we could talk while he's at school and not just during our marathons of fun during his breaks.

I wish my brother were always on break so he could take care of me full time.

Things are hard, and right now I'm angry about it. So upset in fact, that I have been picking (in case you aren't up-to-date, I am a picker. It's like a cutter, but I use my fingernails to harm myself. And no, cutting them doesn't help. No, covering the mirrors doesn't help. I will do it in my sleep and I get so desperate to cause myself physical pain that I will use other instruments and rip down the sheets that cover the mirrors - I'm in therapy for this. Have been for nearly three years now). So those big giant wounds that are poorly covered with makeup in a vain attempt to not look like some crazy freak? Yeah, I did those to myself. I'm stressed out.

So, my brother is gone. And I'm scared how I will feel this week all by myself. But I've only got 6 days until I leave for California - and I have a HUGE packing crisis!!! I have to pack for all-weather, AND take a towel. Let's spell this out. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.

Darin helped me pack most of my stuff, but it's going to be a crazy whirlwind week - I've got an interview (more about that later), and I want to do lots for my fundraising, and then I'm going on VayCay.

Vacation with friends. It's the first time I'm going without a parent or someone who really deeply understands my health needs - and I'm FREAKING out. I can barely sleep because I am worried that we are not well planned, that my friends don't know what they've signed up for, and that I'm going to get left behind in the airport or on some street in San Francisco because pushing me uphill is just too much work.

I'm excited, and terrified, but mostly excited.

I wish my brain would stop spinning, and I wish I had more confidence that I can go back to living without my brother being here. I'm still in shock that he's gone.

1 comment:

CFlover said...

Im so sorry your sad =(.
I may not be your brother and I may not live with you BUT I do listen pretty darn good if ya ever need ta talk =)


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