This week has hurt a lot for many different reasons, but I've also learned some very important things.
I have learned how I like to be. I have remembered that I like to be the one doing the helping, not the one that needs all this help. But when I need the help - I know who has my back 100%. I have learned how much people - even strangers - can care.
I have learned exactly why I write this blog. I write this blog because somewhere out there is a person who is depressed, or who has CF, or is diabetic, has been victimized, or just feels sad, and somehow my blog will hopefully help them. Maybe it will inspire someone to express him or herself in a healthy way - or at best help them see what therapy and medication has allowed me to become. And when I work through this depression I will be who I was again, but wiser and with more to give.
I have learned that although the depression meds aren't yet helping much, it doesn't mean I have to fall to pieces and hide. I am stronger than that - and this past week was a way for me to prove to myself how strong I am.
I will stick up for myself and whoever else around me is hurt. If you are my friend and you get hurt, please let me know because I will kick some major ass for you. I will be there to hold your hand for whatever you need because sometimes, that's what is best. A hand to hold. Maybe I know that because of all those lonely nights I've been in the hospital just wishing for a hand to hold. I will be that hand for anyone who asks for it - and for some people who don't know they need it yet.
I was reminded "I believe in love surviving death into eternity."
Affirmation by Savage Garden is one of my favorite songs of all time. "I believe in Karma; what you give is what you get returned."
I have remembered that I view my life as meaningful. I view my disease as something I deal with, but is not some tragic malady. I view it as my tool to educate the world. If I can inform one person about cystic fibrosis through this blog, I have done what I wanted. If I can encourage one more person to donate for CF research, I have done what I wanted. If I convince one person to become an organ donor (and make sure you let your family know your wishes) then I have done what I wanted.
If I can help one person who has been victimized to be strong and stand up and speak out then I will have taught someone something. If I can help someone through the process, then I have helped someone. And those are things I really want out of life.
Life is for living. There are hard times and hard situations, but nothing is to big for me to conquer. And if I can help someone learn how to cope with or conquer something in their life, that will be enough for me.
This week I faced a severe amount of self doubt, and right now I am confident again. I am confident I will find the right medication and through therapy I will get over my depression. I had to spend eight months getting over an appendectomy - I can do this, and in a much shorter amount of time.
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