Saturday, April 26, 2008

Goldfish and Peanut Butter

I'm eating goldfish crackers and peanut butter - it has become my staple meal. I just don't feel like eating anything else and I know I'm losing weight and they are going to yell like crazy at me at the hospital - hopefully the words "feeding tube" will not come up because I am not that thin yet. I know I guy who is 38 (I thought he was my age, whoops!) who has CF, and to the best of my knowledge doesn't have a feeding tube. Okay I didn't word that right - he is the skinniest person I know - which doesn't help lung function - it hurts it, and he doesn't have a feeding tube. So hopefully they won't threaten me with one yet.

Goldfish and peanut butter. There is something comforting in them - maybe because my mom used to feed them to me all the time when I was a little kid.

Today has sucked. Royally. I went to dance practice, and there weren't many people there and Coach asked if my boyfriend was going to show up. And I looked at him like he was crazy, while my heart began to beat out of my chest. We had a few awkward moments and words and I walked away in a complete panic attack. G-R-E-A-T. I don't know who he was implying that I was dating, but the fact that everything is just so screwed up just threw me over the edge.

I couldn't pay attention while dancing, and I was dancing with a pretty good lead- he's really good at swing anyways, and then I got stuck with one of the new members. Usually I am patient and willing to help, but at one point I just lost it and started yelling, "PUT YOUR WEIGHT ON THE ROCKING FOOT!" And he didn't get it and then during a demonstration I almost fell asleep and I couldn't listen and I felt like I wanted to throw up and the "Please let me curl up and die" feeling over came me and I had to leave. I didn't even tell anyone why I was leaving - I just left. And I made it to my car before the tears fell uncontrollably.

Thankfully a good friend sent me a message just as I got home, so I went to spend time with her. I have this horrible problem that I am not good by myself when I'm feeling so depressed, but if I'm in a room with too many people I feel as if they know that I'm paranoid and they are all looking at me. I know this isn't normal and I am crazier than my diagnosis suggests.

Must work on this in therapy. Dr. Martin will know how to fix it. His suggestion for this week was to continue what I was doing, but to stay away from Boy.

He also helped me come up with new, creative ways to eat Goldfish and Peanut Butter - like Goldfish and Peanut Butter in a tortilla. I told you this man is brilliant.


Chris S. said...

I totally understand the comfort of other people. That's why I said you should go to the dance.

Matt Todd said...

They've been threatening me with a feeding tube on and off for a few years now, but I've always managed to avoid it. I think the good thing for you is that if you are at a weight that you feel you need to drop a few pounds, that you could likely also put it back on if needed. The latest consensus for me has been that the risks of putting in a feeding tube at this time would out weight the benefits (no pun intended).

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