Monday, July 7, 2008

Dating, Dancing, and Depression

Let's talk about these things in reverse order.

I realized I was still depressed. I'm not the type of person who cries very often. I know that I'm having problems when I cry for stupid reasons. We upped my dose of my depression med, and I'm doing much better - so far. I was with my family over the weekend, and that always makes me feel better. We'll have to see how I'm doing by the end of this week to see if the meds are helping.

I have only had to take small naps or no naps and I've been able to get a little done today - like the dishes, and unpacking a little. Hopefully I will be able to continue getting a little done every day - and then someday it will all be done. (insert insane laugh here because it will never be all done because I am so good at making a mess).

I want to dance. I watched all the So You Think You Can Dance I missed while I was in Europe/busy before Europe... and I want to dance like that. I decided that if they get that pill to work (Carla's Drug... see "Big Fucking News" from April 1st to catch up on what that could be)... that maybe I'll become a dancer. I would love to have stamina to just dance and dance and dance. I'm thinking of taking private lessons again for the rest of the summer... or maybe not. Maybe I'll find a Ballet class to enroll in. I'm convinced that I could be En Pointe within weeks - because that's how confident I am.

I want to learn lifts and amazing ballroom tricks - and I want to do jazz spins - the ones where you're on one foot and go round and round and round. I know my turns need work. And I'm always self-conscience about my size when I dance because I am "large" for a ballroom dancer. The guys who know how to do lifts never volunteer to show me how to do one - they never randomly pick me up and show me something fun. They pick up the cute little girls (*ahem* Sarah, Lena, Alison... etc). I guess I'm just not cute enough or not little enough. Who knows which one it is. I'm guessing the little one because...

The internet dating has been a fairly positive experience. I like being "not Carla" - yes I have a different name I use for dating online. We don't want any crazy stalking experiences. And that version of me is apparently still in school or going back to school - to be a ChemE. Imagine that! I enjoy pretending to be normal. It's really opening my eyes to what is wrong with my other dating life. Not that my online dating life has been all magic. I don't think it's been any magic at all besides being told how wonderful I am...

First, let's dissect the first three dates I've had.

Bachelor #1 - very nice guy. Loved how smart I am. Thought I was fun to hang out with. He was fun to hang out with. Too bad he's 1. old enough to be my father and 2. has a wife and 3 kids. Turns out he was on business in Madison and just wanted someone to keep him company. Right. He was nicer than the guys I've hung out/dated recently. Ick. They made me want to swear off men forever. Then I talked to my best lesbian friend and she said that girls are just as complicated. I decided it's not worth becoming a lesbian if they are complicated too and I'm not really attracted to them. Maybe a lesbian would have fewer issues with my CF.... but we'll get to that.

Bachelor #2 - only talked to him online, since when we were supposed to get together I didn't wait very long and then left. Maybe that's better. He seems to think I'm all that and a bag of chips - and he hasn't even met me yet. I don't think I can handle being THAT cool. I know I'm cool - but when people think I'm the best thing since sliced bread or even the iPod, we've got trouble - right here in River City. So this one has a red flag. Or maybe more than one, since he wasn't on time when we agreed to meet - and I was fashionably late to make sure I wouldn't end up sitting there alone. I didn't want to get hit on by other creepy guys when I was there to meet my own creepy date. One creep per evening is enough, thank you.

Bachelor #3 - this is the last guy I've dated. Hmmm how to describe him? Well-traveled. Smart. A UW Student (so we have that in common ;-) ). Single father - so responsible - and I LOVE kids. But his son is 15. Yes, he is also old enough to be my dad. I'm good at this dating older guys game. He was nice. And he too seemed maybe TOO interested in me for the first meeting. He said that someday he'd like to take me to Paris. And me, being the cool person I am, shrugged my shoulders and said, "Meh. I've been there." Which is true.

So here is my theory on why I have the internet lining up to date me - I'm not sick on the internet. On the internet I don't have CF. I haven't found the most fabulous guys - but the guys I have found seem really interested - despite age differences. I've been there before and the thought makes me giggle. Anyways. I'm not sick on the internet. I've told a couple guys I'm diabetic - and that's cool because being diabetic doesn't mean you're dying.

I like the fact that people recognize how smart I am. Ever since I had to drop out of college I've had a complex that people no longer will think I'm smart. Smart was what always defined me. I wasn't pretty, or athletic, or popular, but I was unbelievably smart. That's who I was before college. I was the sick looking girl who could blow you away with her brain power. If I had died before college people would have said, "She was really smart" at my funeral.

I like being the ChemE major again. Well, I like pretending that I am a ChemE again. I like the fact that people recognize how smart I am. My ability to do the course work was not why I dropped out. My body couldn't handle the stress of all the work. My brain didn't need to study I was doing so well, and I loved it. I got frustrated having to drop class after class because I would be hospitalized and couldn't make up the labs I missed. It was either re-take classes I had completed 2/3 of and get sick 2/3 of the way through again - or switch majors. I hated that my new major wasn't the hardest one on campus. Because I was smart enough to breeze through the toughest one.

Just being a ChemE major means that you are all-around smart. I am well-traveled and cultured and just know a lot about many things - but I guess that doesn't come out as well when I'm honest and tell people I had to drop out of college because I was sick. Because being sick I guess implies you are stupid? I don't get why I can't be smart and sick. Why does the fact that I don't have a college degree make me not attractive? It's so much easier to tell people you took a couple semesters off to explain why I am 22 and still in college (well, still pretending to be in college).

Without my CF, I am apparently much more attractive physically. When someone learns about my CF to I become a constant cough lying in a hospital bed dying? Is that what people see? (close friends, be quiet... I know that's not what you see. You're my close friends because you don't see me as a disease). But when I'm dating someone is that what they see? And how do I make someone look past my CF.

The only way I can think of is to get to know someone without telling them about my CF - and then once they know me as a smart, beautiful , ChemE major with a different name, tell them everything.

I will say, "So, now that we've been dating for awhile, and we seem to really like each other, I've got some things to tell you. First, my name is not _____. It's Carla. I use a different name online b/c I was stalked in high school and wish to never have a stalker ever again, so I do it for my safety. I should have told you earlier my real name - but I was afraid you'd learn a couple other things about me. Like, that I'm a college dropout. I WAS a ChemE, and it's who I would be if I weren't battling some health issues. I had to drop out because of my health issues because I have cystic fibrosis. I'm also diabetic - so I wanted to you to know that I had a few health issues, but I didn't want you to know the extent of my health stuff before you got to know me as me. Please don't hate me because I am a lying sack of shit. Thanks."

Oh yeah. That'd go well.

I also like this online dating thing because I am in control. I'm not going to get hurt if I only see each person once. ::headdesk::

I think we'll end it there. Suggestions on the CF dating thing are welcome because I have no idea what to do. If I had a million hours I would explain that I chose to drop out to maintain a quality of life - I felt that if I went through college I'd be too sick to work. So I have a good quality of life - I just don't have a job, or a career, or well... much of anything besides my dancing. And have I mentioned I got kicked off the dance team?

Life is Hilarious.

6 comments:

Chris S. said...

Hey, are you coming to the dance Friday?

I think you have an interesting experiment going on with internet dating. I really hope you don't get hurt though.

I think you have the right to "manage the expectations of others" (jargon from work) or perhaps "personality management". The way others treat you based on your full profile is not fair, so why share it right away? It's like Facebook or any other social site: you really shouldn't share everything until you know the person better. And I definitely agree with hiding your name. The ChemE thing would be minor if the person isn't superficial.

Still, I hope you don't get hurt, or some guy gets really pissed. Just be careful. And remember you can call me if you get into trouble.

Oh, and yes, you are smart and beautiful. :P I do not obey!!! Ha ha ha ha!

By the way, you should see the movie Airplane. Hilarious! (That had nothing to do with anything.)

gracefulinsight said...

Ok.. first off. I dont think it is a good idea to lie to someone about your CF and name. Sure you can start that way, but if things start actually picking up you really think it is going places, you need to fess up pronto! Otherwise they might end up hating you for lieing about something that important and then you lose someone you really like...again. So I think it is best for you to be honest pretty damn near upfront. You don't have to right away, because Chris is right, you shouldn't share all your information right away b/c it is unsafe, but being honest is good.

You can't and should hide who you are and what you have. You are smart, and sick. You can be both. It is unfortunate that you have to be both, but reality says *light goes on* that you are. Be proud to be as smart as you are, and just because you are sick does not hinder that. Look at everything you have taught yourself, places you have gone and things you have experienced. You are way ahead of the game than most, and you should be proud of those accomplishments. You don't need a ChemE degree for that sweetie.

Be careful. And if you want to meet these people with a wing girl, let me know and i'll hide at a different table (with pepperspray) to make sure you don't get molested :)

gahitstoni said...

So I watched Jack and Jill Vs. The World. Just do what she does, and meet someone you know (in real life), and don't tell them about your CF until after you get to know them... then of course they will break up with you and realize what a mistake/asshole they made/are and they will come crawling back into your arms. Because life is just like the movies. I'm actually trying it out. I met a kid and I won't tell him about my CF because he already hinted that he can't stand the fact that some children/people get a death sentence from birth. We'll see how this all plays out.

Matt Todd said...

In an ideal world you plan would be great. But in the real world i suspect that your plan would be committing relationship suicide. A relationship that is started based on a lie is going to have a real difficult time working out. Most people, and probably me included, would likely decided to end the relationship when told that information. And its not because of the the CF, its because of the lie. From my experience if there isn't honest in a relationship its not going to last. And as much as it may hurt to be rejected because of our disease right off the bat i think that we are better off in the long run not getting involved with someone who is not willing to step up and deal with the reality that is our disease from the beginning. You deserve better than a superficial looser and i honestly don't think you'll find that with your plan. However if you're out to have a little fun, go for it, just be careful, we all don't want something bad to happen.

Chris S. said...

I don't think a lie like this is that terrible. If the person is worth it, and they really care about someone, they will stick around after being told that. Otherwise, they're not worth it anyway, so it's just another filter in the relationship search.

Justin said...
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