Friday, July 18, 2008

Bad Day

Today is a bad day so far. Maybe it's because I've done basically nothing. Or maybe it's because I'm having a bad day in terms of depression.

Does anyone know if with depression there are good days and bad days, even when you're on your therapeutic dose of medication? I hope not. I want just good days. I want Sunshine and Lollipops.

Maybe I'm sad because I keep finding new blogs about little kids who have died from CF - at like, age 12. I hate that, but why can't I stop reading? The medical stuff I've found out is maybe too much for me. I'm now trying to digest what end-stage CF looks like, because I've never physically been near a friend who was end-stage. The two friends I've had die in the last year weren't extremely close friends, so I wasn't there near the end.

Now I have read what end-stage looks like, and I know enough to know that it is bad. Very, very bad. And maybe I'm finally scared for me - but even more so, I'm scared for my mother. My mom just called to tell me what they are getting me for my birthday/Christmas... and it's something big I was planning to save up for. I knew it might take me a year or more, but I was going to save for it - and I had mentioned to Mom that I was looking at sizes and asked what size hers was - and then she decided to buy me one. Which I'm happy about - but at the same time I wanted to do it on my own. I wanted to do SOMETHING on my own. The IKEA furniture will be mine - bought all by myself and on my own, so that is good.

I don't know why Mom decided to get me this - besides the fact that it will benefit her too when she is here. Maybe it's her "you're doing really well on your own and getting over the depression" present. She likes to buy things when I'm doing really well and when I'm really, really sick. It's her way of celebrating and coping.

I have read the blogs of moms who have lost their daughters to CF - and I know that the last thing I ever want to do is leave my mom behind. I know my death would hurt her the most, and I don't know if she could recover from it. I know my mom very well, and I don't know that she could handle the grief. I don't want to leave my mom. I always want to be here for her. I love my mom.

1 comment:

sixtytwodays said...

Hey - sorry if my comment made you search out other blogs and caring bridge sites...it does get pretty heavy, thinking about it all.

A word about your mom...I am probably biased here, but on my good days it seems pretty clear that CF moms are some of the toughest gals around. Maybe you don' t give your mom enough credit. I have no idea, I do'n't know her. But, think that she just might surprise you with how tough she's going to be when push comes to shove. I'd love to meet your mom, actually. Maybe she and I can hook up for coffee or something sometime.

Also, I do beleive there are good and bad days with depression, medicated or not. I am not currently medicated nor in therapy but when I was (both) I definately had some days that were better than others.

I think I'm going to put myself on a self-imposed sabatical from reading other CF blogs for a while. I can feel myself slipping back to an emotional place where I don't want to be, and it is, without a doubt, related to how much time I'm spending on-line reading about sad realities.

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