A friend asked me an interesting question tonight. Our conversation (word for word) went like this:
Him: I have a kind of whimsical question
i like whimsy
Him: slightly serious though
what would you do if you were cured tomorrow?
Me: oh jesus.
Me: i've thought of this b/c they said they're within 5 years of a cure
Him: ah gotcha
Me: (which i don't believe haha they've been saying that since I was about oh, born)
Me: I'd be really scared if I were cured
I'd have no excuse to just bum around and do nothing anymore
I'm very used to my sleeping lots and watching movies and fooling around on the comupter lifestyle
so i guess I'd have to go back to school
and get the degree I always wanted to get
and do things the way I planned to in high school - the way I planned when I thought i'd never actually get sick for real
Him: do you think it'd be hard for you to be well?
Me: at first yeah. I'd have to do my own laundry haha
i think i'd actually like being able to do stuff again
I would work really hard and get a degree and a good job and travel and adopt kids.
those are the things I've always wanted to do but know I probably can't anymore
Him: how is your attitude?
what are your expectations for yourself
Me: they're totally diferent from my expectations if I were completely healthy
if I were healthy I would become a doctor because I would know what NOT to do.
or a social worker
my current expectations for myself aren't very high.
I'm happy when I can dance and when I can shower all by myself and when I do the dishes and when I have a good day where I don't need a nap
I think the first thing I would do if I were cured would be to run up three flights of stairs.
I'm proud of me when I walk up one or two flights - but I can no longer do more than two flights
Him: do you think you'd be able to if you worked on it every day?
Me: i tried for awhile... and i never seemed to get any better at stairs.
i was able to work up to two flights...
yeah, and I think I can dance more and more, maybe... but eventually I get a lung infection and it sets me back
Him: is that what happened this time?
Me: well yeah, in november - i held on through the dance showcase with adrenaline,
then they put me on the bad bad inhaler, and I wasn't able to get better until I stopped it with this (the third) round of IVs.
my nurse said today that this is the best my lungs have sounded in months
so yay :-)
And here's a picture from what I see all the time: SNOW. I really hate the snow, but this was pretty. So here:
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